I was reading Andi’s post about being old and it brought back my similar feelings.
I have borrowed a friend’s 1980 (guess) Buick Park Avenue which is blue as opposed to the brown car in the link. Um, for those of you who don’t know, my grandmother had a similar car and I remember sitting in the back seat. Now, I’m driving it (of course only for about a week). [In case you are puzzled why I am driving it, my car broke down 6 weeks from this coming friday and I have been borrowing friend’s cars since.]

I don’t feel like I can connect to this generation anymore.

I was emailed by a dear friend about her wedding photography. She does beautiful photgraphy. I’m pretty sure we can’t afford her, but if you geta chance, please do look at her pictures.
In looking through her pictures myself I realised a few things…
1. She does amazing work
2. Our wedding isn’t going to look anything like any of those gorgeously expensive ones
3. We probably can’t afford my friend’s photography
4. I’m looking at weddig photography critically as to whether or not I can purchase it = I’m getting old.

Today has been a pretty blah kind of day.
Blah morning.
Blah afternoon.
Blah foggy rain.
Blah.

And it’s giving me blah thoughts.
And blah feelings.
Blah.

I’m old.
Blah.

I’d prefer to go into hiding today.
Blah.

I think I’m going to go to bed at 8:30p.

At what point, O Lord, do you move us? At what point in our walk do you separate us for leadership or not for leadership? At what point do you say ‘no’? At what point does leadership become more than just a leader’s task? At what point does the responsibility become other’s responsibility as opposed to the responsibility of others’ placed on our shoulders? At what point do we do enough to be seen as good leadership? “Good job” if said at all is always an afterthought. Are we always bad leadership? More, more, more is asked of us as if we do nothing right. As if we try never. As if we desire to fail. At what point do we do enough to be seen as good leadership? At what point? Or do we break before that point? Do we give up, shut off, and silence our desire to serve? Do we become so overcome with tasks in which we are told through silence that we fail that the spirit within us dies back as it touches acidic attitudes? More, more, more. How can we? How can we without support? How much loner until we give out so much that we turn around and realize we gave out all of our character and nothing is left?

Cold Regurgitation
“Anyone want to try to come up with an example…”
Monotone voice attacks peaceful silence
Defenseless, silence shatters
Shard pierces distant thoughts
Dragging us back
Back to a place we so desperately were striving to escape
PowerPoint too bright
His wandering failing to make up for lagging
dragging
statistical
ramblings
Exit sign not close enough
Names mispronounced
The example picks at her nails and blankly stares
“Real life examples” die as quickly as stale air pumps from vents
Clocks freeze
Unnoticed until no ticking heard
Character is crucified in cold regurgitation
Bright room
Dark blankness
How much longer?

How much longer?

-written 2/19/2007-