A poem I wrote a few days ago:

Piercing

Explain to me why

too much knowledge falls in your silence

candy-covered answers

hide lost desire

hide accepted hurts

Why

mirrored images reflect empty

golden locks drained of color

existence without purpose

How I am

who I’ve become

empty words fall

reflecting accepted darkness

Slowly

linens fall from fingertips

eyes uncovered

mouth freed

they all fall to reveal Beautiful design

cold dirt between toes

cracks of light piercing the shadowy hole

at last,

the stone moves!

-written February 6, 2007-

Well, friends, these past two weeks… months…. have felt like years. And I am sure by the time I graduate I will be secured on the “early gray hair” track. I wish I could describe to you how much of a disappointment and a hurt it is to not be able to be a good Best friend, roommate or fiance because I am so over-committed to graduate. Sometimes Studying takes the back seat to sleeping. Sometimes paying attention in class takes the back seat to getting my homework/class projects/papers done. Sometimes eating takes the back seat to my internship, work and Crosswalk “requirements”. But without fail, my relationships with friends and my fiance ALWAYS take the back seat to the requirements of being a Senior in college.

So to my friends, my best friend, my roommate and my fiance….. I miss you.
I really wish it didn’t have to be like this.

And to college… I really hate that you take my life away form me in exchange for a degree. Haven’t you taken enough of my sanity, why my life too?

And to my kids at work… I’m sorry that Ms. Monica doesn’t play with you as much any more. I’m just exhausted. And I wish I could play more and smile more.

So this is what it is to be a Senior in college….

and I don’t like it.

But God and God alone will get me through this.
I have no hope but my God.

Cause I fail.

I had a dream…. seriously, last night I did. [I confess to you as Cheddar stares me down from atop of Robin’s journal on the dresser.] It was a funny little dream. Andy Weems, the director of Crosswalk Campus Ministries, was there. He needed to meet with me for lunch. But I had all of Matt’s brothers and sisters to take care of, so they had to come with me. [Boots pops up into my lap, smelling the keyboard.] I knew James (8yr old) would get bored really quickly so I debated whether or not to go to lunch. But I did not want to let Andy down. I was at church with part of the Stauffer clan; William, James, Sarah, Steven, Cat (by default). [Cheddar approaches, feeling unloved and needing a pet.] The only ones missing out the the Stauffer clan were Ellen, Ron and Matt. I remember the tedious phone call with Andy as I attempted to figure out where we were having lunch and tried to round up the Stauffer clan. There occurred much interruption and massive confusion added with a dose of frustration. [Cheddar purrs.] The lunch location was decided to be at a friend’s house. This friend was not a mutual friend of me and Andy’s, but they knew Andy. The attraction to that destination? They had a pool. That would entertain the masses. [Boots curls up on my heated blanket.] And right as I pulled the Stauffer van into the driveway I thought to myself, “We don’t have swimming gear.” And I woke up.

You know, it can be lonely sometimes to wake up to a quiet house with only a few cats on the prowl.

But other times, I really do enjoy the solitude of me…
and my Cheddar…
and Boots.

Thank You, God, for those moments of simplicity.