A lot has been going through my mind lately. Between moving and sorting through old things I have been reminded of from where God has brought me. With missing our field trip departure yesterday, God gave me extra time to serve Matt, even though he’s at Kid’s Camp. And last night, God gave me some time to release a lot of the built up stress from this past Senior Year of College. God has brought a lot to my attention. There’s thoughts of what was “too much” this past year for the way He has created me. There’s been thoughts of thankfulness for the friends and family that have supported me in the distance of an overbooked schedule. And there has also been thoughts of who I am now, after this past year, and where God will take me. So, needless to say, there has been a lot going through my head lately.

“Here I raise mine Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I’m come.”

The familiar words of Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing pop into my head this morning as I type words. The thought of raising an Ebenezer is not a scrooge reference, but instead is referring to an altar built unto the Lord. It’s neat because this altar was traditionally built when God’s people would come to a new place or a new land. This altar stood as an acknowledgement of how far God had brought His people. Similar thoughts have filled my mind as I pack away old journals and move old books.

And the thought of my future is spurred from how far God has brought me in my past. And I wonder… and I hope… that when this short life in complete, I may be so blessed to hear the words from my Father, “well done, good and faithful servant.” But it has become all the more clear to me that while anyone can look upon another’s life and sum up their interactions as “good” or “bad”, it is in the small details of one’s life that they create the overall “good” or “bad”. It makes me ponder what exactly a faithful walk truly is. I mean, I could only hope (along with Matt) to have an much boldness as Paul to be able to say at the end of my ministry, “I have run the race, I have fought the good fight” or even to say for others to be imitators of me for I am such an imitator of Christ. No, Paul didn’t speak in arrogance, but in utter devotion and with such conviction of God’s power and ability that since He conquered the grave nothing would keep Him from holding Paul to Himself. Not death, nor life, nor angels, nor demons…

I was talking with Robin last night as we circled what used to be “my campus”. I released my desired “dune-ness” with schooling and Robin communicated her faithful friendship with few words and much listening. And the topic of growth in the Lord rose to our thoughts. Why are we satisfied with so little of God? came my thoughts, outpoured in many more words. (Why say what you have to say in a sentence when you could explain it in a paragraph, right Matt?) Perhaps we have been taught to be less satisfied, came a train of thoughts. Or maybe we have failed to see other examples and therefore failed to be an example ourselves. Oh, but maybe the real battle lies not in examples or seen things, but in the battle between flesh and spirit. And then, have we let our flesh win?

I read this morning…

So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. His wife said to him, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!” He [Job] replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman, Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” -Job 2:7-10

Sometimes I feel I let my flesh win. This is too hard. I give up. I want my comfort, not my growth. The sores seem too much to bear. Why me? And other selfish thoughts flood my mind.

But dare I see, yet again, through the Holy Spirit’s eyes…?
Or do I fear that sores and loss may be good for me?
Pain? Be good?
And if I acknowledge pain as growth, have I placed a target on my head?
But what makes me think that just because I hide away that God doesn’t see me all along?
And if I run from God’s standard surely it doesn’t make God’s standard any less of Truth.

Much to think about this morning… much to think about.