What is the value of human life?

“I would rather one random man die than a poor little mouse.” My co-worker explained her flowing tears and frantic running about the room after finding a “baby” mouse with broken leg struggling on a glue trap in the group room.

Just days before she had cursed the mouse who left it’s droppings and ate group snacks.

This same mouse that could drive an otherwise opinionatedly strong woman to stand on a chair screaming and flailing her arms as the preschoolers looked on calmly.

Two of us stood there watching – me with bare toes a few feet from the whiskered one.
And three screamed, climbed on furniture, and otherwise convinced the six children that the world was ending.

– I just found the whole situation odd. That’s all.
Overwhelmingly odd. –

Ellen had her ultrasound this morning and it’s a boy! I’m so excited for her. She called me all bubbly and obviously smiling as she shared the “healthy boy” news. And it was cool to hear her joy as she shared that Ron and she had a conversation in which they both marveled at having “children” not just child. The concept really made me smile and has brightened my day completely. I’m so happy for them.

Saturday I drove to Guitar Center to pick up some strings. And as I looked in the rear-view mirror the thought hit my mind in a more solid form than before, “I’m going to be running errands with a little person in the backseat soon.” I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. I can’t tell you how wonderful of a thought it was to think of a little sleeping one in the backseat as being “my baby” and not just a niece or friend’s kiddo. Oh they’re just as cute sleeping in the backseat, but “my baby” thoughts fluttered in my mind.

Well, friends, the nursery is done. Robin and I started and finished it last night. That’s right, it’s simple and totally us (that is Matt and I, not Robin and I us). Touches of blue (cause I love the color and so does Matt) and beautiful little painted on butterflies, bees and flowers. With a touch of ivy leaves and classic Winnie the Pooh wallpaper pieces, it’s a warm little room of simplistic welcoming. And the bassinet/cradle Mom gave us adds this wonderful feel of new and comfort to the room. I absolutely love it. I absolutely love it. And I spent a little while last night just rocking away in the rocking chair Jes and I had the privilege of teething on and sleeping in. I gazed at the newly stamped walls and the sparkles of the blue glittered lava lamp on the wall… it was better than I had imagined. Simply wonderful.

Can’t wait for Matt to get home and see it. I hope he’s as pleasantly surprised as I was… and still am.

July 28th’s our ultrasound. And I’m looking forward to “seeing” our little one for the first time.
The little fingers… the little toes… that’s just going to be fun!

– take care, all. back to the grind here at work. –

A pregnancy tracker through emails. What a novel concept. And more than one place has learned their run of prenatal baby facts to bombard an expectee’s account with useless rantings and spam. So of course I had to sign up!

Today’s 18 week update (sent 2 days late) showed picture of little “alien baby” (Matt’s words) with much detail of development. And then came the “have to” s and “gotta have”s that every pregnant woman apparently is completely insufficient in raising a prenatal baby without. “Just what in the world did we ever do before it all,” Matt commonly comments in overwhelmed sarcasm. =)

Babysit for a day. Came the suggestion for those freaking out about childcare. Ask you best friend to babysit their child for a day and make it up as you go along was the meat and potatoes of the text. The title should have been “mess you friend’s kid up for a day.” But I did find it interesting of a concept. You know, a little experimentation upon close relationships… such a great idea. Hehe. Burn those that love you the most. j/k

But then I thought.. see the funny different in raising a child and raising someone else’s child is you call the shots. You are the authority. It’s not asking friend what their rules are and the baby’s eating times are and nap times, etc. It’s shoot from the hip, make it up and figure it out. Being one who has babysat MANY a time, this new concept of parenting sounds like fun. And I am fully confident that we’re gonna mess this kid up good! Yeah buddy!!!! =)

I tease. But I was thinking after reading the article that this parenting thing is going to be quite funny. See, initially Ellen spoke about feeling so in shock that the baby crying down the hallway was hers. And that realization that the fussy and poopy one was being handed back to her to change, not anyone else. She was the default. But then life became so normal as the default that she had a hard time imagining life without the baby’s toothless gurgling.

A soon-to-be second mom speaks with confidence in raising two children. But the fact is… she’ll be making it up as well as Matt and I will be. Yes, she has more experience in raising one child, but she has no experience in raising two.

I guess it just makes me feel a lot better to see each parent with one child on the same playing field… shooting from the hip and trying not to break their kid too much. And while another friend’s report of 3rd and 4th children just falling into the mix of regular life with ease makes sense, it’s nice to know that when it is all boiled down… we parents are just making parenting up; one rule at a time.

For those of you who don’t know…

I have had this desire for almost 5 years. I want to see God at work outside of the US.

I want to see God’s worldview, life outside of fashion, make-up, hair products, riches, and liberalism. I want to see a world outside of “elevated living” in which time seems to “stand still” and days are built around cooking, cleaning, and truly living. I really want a more realistic worldview. A Biblical worldview.

Am I selfish? Probably. Is the point of my wanting that I can bring home a nice ethnically diverse picture for a church slide show? No.

I just believe that there is so much more out there that we American Christians have fooled ourselves and convinced ourselves that doesn’t exist. I believe that non-Americans have great value and are quite possibly are even living their faiths more Biblically than us. I believe that a poor person is not to be labeled in pitied help, but has so much more to teach about trusting God than many middle-class and still rich “go to churchers.”

Do I think missions are an out-of-country experience? No. But I do think that experience teaches far more than an imagined alternate reality. And I really want to be rocked out of this world in my sometimes God in a box thinking. I just feel like I’ve bought too much into the American church some days that “it’s okay” to skip devotions and “it’s okay” to forget to pray as if devotions and prayer have no affect…. no meaning. And sometimes I get so lost in American thinking that things should be handed to me and maybe the best way to serve God is to tolerate other’s beliefs that I feel I’ve betrayed the real, live God of the Word. The God of this world, not the Western God of the Americas.

Do I need to leave the country to learn about the Real Jehovah, Maker of All and Sustainer of Life? No. I just would really like to some day. I just would really like to serve and even just witness another’s faith in Jesus Christ that has not been dulled by ego-centrism. No, I don’t have to leave the country to witness very strong examples for Jesus. I just really would like the opportunity to do so some day.

And it’s a day like today in which my heart longs for that day

… if it should come.

Well dear ones, I’m now in month five of pregnancy. I just poked into the month today. It’s kind of crazy to think about it. Ever since my friend, Lorraine, left my workplace I’ve had a lot of free time during lunch. Being one who likes to keep busy so the day moves quickly, I have found myself reading, checking email, sometimes napping (don’t worry, my boss is cool with this) and checking old friend’s blogs during my lunch break. And as I’ve read through a few friend’s recent life joys and gocked at these “little babies” which are now little girls and boys that I had in the nursery at Apex, I am dropped into a second reality. Man how time flies!

I feel like it was just yesterday when it was a sleepless 4am of “I can’t believe it” thoughts with a positive test. Walking in Meijer, for I don’t even remember what now, and passing baby clothes was a totally new world of thought. That new tumbling of shock, unknown, and inconfidence occasionally still grasps my hand as this little bump becomes more apparent.

I look at my niece. I remember holding her when she weighed just under 10 lbs at birth. Now that one and a half year old toddler that runs around talking and pointing at me when asked, “Where’s Aunt Monica,” floors me. Where’d the baby go? And yet all the while… she’s still such a baby.

I wonder if this is what my mom thinks when she looks at me.

I’ll technically be 1/2 way through this pregnancy in 2 weeks. Oh my goodness!

And while baby is only about palm size right now… that’s my baby! Palm size! Dude how it’s grown!

And soon we may have the opportunity to learn (come July 28th) if we’re having a boy or a girl. Man, that floors my mind. Suddenly baby will move from “the baby” to she or he. And then will have a name. And sometime soon, for the first time, I may get the chance to feel he or she move within me. How exciting.

Yet my excitement is mixed in satisfaction with where Matt and I are at right now. “Are you excited?” I’m often asked. “Can you wait?” Yes and yes. I am excited for how God is growing our little one. Day by day. Minute by minute the little one develops in ways that I can’t even understand. But I can wait. I can wait to find out baby’s gender. I can wait to become the Stauffer’s three. I can wait. Because I don’t want to get so caught up in ‘I can’t wait’s that I miss the now. I want to enjoy the sleep I am still able to get. I want to enjoy the date nights. The me and Matt moments of “let’s go for a walk” or “ice cream run.” I want to enjoy just sitting in a quiet house holding my cat against his will, or just petting him beside me and listening to the washer spin or the AC vents after a long day’s work. I don’t want to get so caught up in baby shopping (even mentally) that I lose what’s been given me today.

I know baby is going to be amazing. And with baby will come a whole new level of Matt and I. A whole new level of family. And baby will bring such joy and such unity and all these wonderful thrills.

But today I want to wait. I just want today. I want to enjoy doing a puzzle with a socially rejected child – piece by piece, supporting my husband when the youth aren’t listening- shushing by shushing, and even just eating this broccoli cheddar soup- spoonful by spoonful with my shoes off in my office. It’s like my wedding day… I don’t want to be so caught up in the execution of planning that I miss the memories.

I guess all these words are just to say… I am enjoying where God has me right now and I can wait for His timing.

I can happily wait.