I just woke up from this funky dream. I was at my High School graduation with some familiar High School faces. But my best friend, Robin, was there… thrilled as anything to be finished with her college degree and walking at our graduation. My sister was there… in the same boat as Robin. And in some instances of the dream I was at a High School graduation and in other instances I was at a college graduation. Those are dreams for you. But there was a sort of point to this one. All throughout the dream I was caught in this feeling of “this is the last big thing I will do in my life… it all ends here. All my dreams end here.”
I never walked at my college graduation. And I really don’t regret that fact. I didn’t want to graduate, get a job and then come back from my job one weekend to walk at my college graduation. It seemed a bit backward to me and due to my internship falling through in the first quarter of my senior year, I was bumped into a 4 yr and one quarter graduate candidate. So I missed the graduation with my classmates who I took all my classes with and with whom I completed my entrance into the Social Work department. A bummer initially, not because I had any special bond with those people, but just the sheer feeling of overcoming what we all thought would overcome us would have been nice to walk acknowledging. But to walk by myself? And two-three months after I had completed school and moved on in life? neh.
Nothing, though my dear friends, could express the amount of pride that I had for my husband as he was handed his (mock) BA diploma and I sat 2 months pregnant about 100 feet away. I was so thrilled for him. What an accomplishment!!! And with his completion of his undergrad we were tossed into the second and final phase of his pastoral education degree. It was SO exciting and still is here at semester one of Matt’s seminary degree.
I knew at the completion of my college degree that I would never be back to pursue my Masters. There are Masters people and then there’s me… satisfied with a bachelor’s degree. A waste? It is often implied through co-workers who hear of Matt and my family goals. Oh and you should have seen my professor/counselor’s face when I notified her that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and it was Matt and my choice for likewise. Oh how she tried to alter my thoughts to the business world. The fact is that some are cut out for the business world and others just aren’t. Am I giving up on my education? Absolutely not… I’m using it in the way that best fits our family.
I got a change to walk and talk to a sweet friend of mine last night. It was neat to hear of her family plans and agree with her that the politics of the working field are quite frustrating when you just want to serve the population. We spoke of how tricky and obnoxious it can be to try to avoid all the work-drama and power-hungry bosses in order to have a smile for a client. And it was fascinating to think of how much and how quickly life came at this wonderful woman. It was funny how the prestigious college pride of “no one can do anything without a college degree” has been overturned in the life of many families. I am appreciative of my degree because it’s enabling Matt and I to get good insurance coverage for this little one’s entrance into our arms. And I have overall enjoyed working with the populations. But when it comes down to it, a job is just a job to me. Yes, I want to work with a needy population.. one needing more than just fries and a drink. But throughout the day my heart yearns for my family and my home… not a longer day at work or one more client. When I’m at work, I do work. But that drive away from the office has never felt more freeing. My job is just my job, it doesn’t even come close to defining me. And at some point my job will change beyond this transition into motherhood to a full-time stay-at-home job that I can say has much more bearing on who I define myself to be. Some time soon… some time soon…
What parts of your life do you think defines you?
