God woke me up early again this morning. And I’m talking early- ten til 5am again. It always starts with having to pee (which is quite often the case being prego) but then my mind won’t shut off and God has taken the opportunity yet again to remind me of the work He wants me to do. And I find myself stuck somewhere between a Jonah (rebel) and a David (complainer). Wonder how many mornings He’s going have to work on me still?
Do you remember Jacob in the Old Testament? He was quite the waverer when it comes to God, but there was his one shining moment in which God renamed his Israel. You remember that night depicted when he wrestled with the Holy Spirit all night and then the Spirit touched his leg where there would forever be a reminder of his wrestling? I’ve been looking for my scar lately too but I have yet to find it so maybe that means the wrestling is far from over.
It’s like there’s a place in my mind that knows the fruit in obedience, I’ve tasted it. Yet this Philistine inside me trembles at the Goliath before me. And the more time passes, the more I convince myself that partial obedience will satisfy. “Maybe I’m just not meant for winning this battle.” I settle in my unrighteousness. And that comfort breathes relief for a night or two, but then the morning comes – especially the early morning.
Matt and I had a great conversation about the conflicts of man and God. It’s always fun to pick your brain with another and sharpen iron. This time the focus was on the fallacy of the Word. It’s incredible to me how many churches can pick and choose what they want in God’s character, in other words, saying parts of Scripture are and are not true. It’s as if it’s a menu, “Yes, I’ll take that platter, but hold the onions, forget the red sauce, I’ll have the cheese sauce instead and yes, can I substitute the fries with a side salad?” Who do we think we are in telling God what is and what is not in His character? But when you boil down to the roots of it, the primary struggle is not just one of having an improper view of Deity, but that of trying to elevate ourselves to a god status. “I know a loving God wouldn’t..” Really? Do you really venture to say you know the mind of God? Are you really that good to know the mind of the creator of all things? Have you really fooled yourself so? For surely if you know the mind of God, then you yourself must be God. And then how can one save themselves from themselves? How come we think we are so big to dictate that we will accept the salvation of the cross and yet were chucking out the wrath part, or the part where it says man is not to sleep with another man, or the part where it says we’re to have no other gods before God? How really have we fooled ourselves into believing we are wise enough to choose for ourselves what is and is not good for us from God?
And yet again I find myself at the same stumbling block, stuck somewhere between a Jonah and a David. My rebellion calls out: I don’t want to open this can of worms, I just want to stay here and be comfortable… look no real harm is coming to me thus far… this must still be not too bad. Ho easy it is to rationalize where I’m at and still dream for the reward given to those who step out in faith.
“All right, all right,” I finally tell God. “You are right. I will do it. I’m scared as all get out and I’m not comfortable and I’m one of your whiny ones, but I’ll be an obedient whiny one.”