Month: February 2011

Autonomy Vs. Rebellion

“I do it myself!” We’ve all heard our toddler say something along these lines, or maybe it was just some toddler in the grocery store. That breech and stretch of freedom mixed with a mild dose of attitude. And while it’s easy to laugh it off as the toddler’s obviously poor coordination overtakes them amidst their stubborn nature, their words hit like a spreading epidemic in our culture.

Have you noticed the commercials? Have you noticed the expectation shift?

Kids are portrayed more and more in sitcoms, comedies, kid’s shows, and commercials as rebellious individuals. And we laugh at the irony and somehow have trained ourselves to find the humor in the rebellion. I think it started somewhere as a “help me” laugh. You know, one of those laughs that is almost a plea asking the fellow participant to intervene. One of those partially embarrassed laughs.

I’m finding, through the joy of raising a toddler, that many kids are getting stuck in their toddler stage. Every kid has a wonderfully selfish side – welcome to the Fall-out, right? But there is a difference between autonomy and rebellion. Our culture has seemed to laugh where the lines have gotten muffled.

It’s like that familiar saying, “things just aren’t like they used to be.” While progress is a good thing, slowly spiraling out of control is (clears throat) less desirable.

The kids shows now highlight and exemplify the role model as the one who has the sarcastic come-backs. Glamorizing the ability to cut someone else down with your words and rebel. So what’s the result? Those pre-teen attitudes get themselves trapped in admiring first-grade bodies.

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Calm Expectations

I have heard recently that my children are mellow. And I would like to explore the concept of a mellow child.

Many can attribute mellow to a child’s genetic disposition. Or is mellow an environmental creation? Or is mellow a sign of a child’s understanding of predictability – for if a child understands what is expected of them and what will come next then where is the nervous anxiety or concern?

I think my kids have a bit of all of these. Though I must note that my kids have their rambunctious moments too. But I am blessed to have learned early the value of being strict with your kids. Being strict does not mean lacking love, just being clear in expectation. This is hard to describe to a by-stander. It’s hard to explain to them that your child cannot have the juice because you already told her ‘no’ and giving in to her crying, no matter how pathetic or no matter how much your heart breaks and thinks about ‘just this time’, teaching consistency is a far greater skill. No, people, being a Nazi about life is not the answer either. Don’t think that my kids won’t ever get ice cream or enjoy the freedom of yelling at the top of their lungs during play. But yelling at the top of their lungs in the car is not going to cut it, Boundaries create predictability. Predictability creates stability. Stability creates a calm child.

I guess when it boils down to it I just don’t want to live in a constant state of chaos. I don’t want to live in chasing down a toddler because running through the parking lot is an option. Introverted me would explode without some quiet around the house – and quiet is a loose definition with 2 of your own kids and 1 you watch throughout the week.

I am blessed by a toddler that enjoys quiet play as well as noisy play. Our mornings here are pretty quiet, with Abi napping, and Rachael usually looking at books, silently pulling a pull-toy in the hallway, and spending some Mommy-time laughing at the jack-in-the-box’s flailing arms when you try to stuff him in. Rachael knows what to expect – each morning she’s asked to play quietly if she wants to be in the room while I put Abi to sleep, and she prefers to be with us. Then Rachael knows that Abi sleeping means that she needs to be quiet in the hallway, but can feel free to be loud and play in the living room or the playroom or the fireside room. But Rachael has learned the difference between playing loudly and playing recklessly. And I am sincerely thankful to God that my efforts to help Rachael with her self-control, by creating boundaries, have created a very well-mannered (though she odes have her moments) and responsive child. She’s still a toddler, people, and no I’m not the baby whisperer (that’s my father-in-law), but predictability and clear expectation go for MILES.

Abi, on the other hand, is a more entertainment driven child. Her nature is to desire you to entertain her, or a toy that has movement and entertainment over a quiet toy. Knowing this about her character, though, does not mean she is constantly entertained. She, too, is expected to provide her own entertainment while playing on the floor beside my laundry folding, etc. And while she is more fussy about it at times, she has come into the same ability to self-entertain with understanding of the expectation. Now seriously, people, she’s only 8 months old, I’m not asking her to self-entertain for 40 minutes, but age-appropriately I am asking her to self-entertain. And once she understands the expectation (though sometimes Abi is much more stubborn than my Rachael), she too finds enjoyment in the clear boundaries.

I love them for their differences, but the expectation has not changed. How I teach them the expectation is unique to the child, but I try hard to be as consistent with my expectation and keep my end-goal desire in mind. It’s not about control. It’s about wanting to enjoy the ride of life. It’s about wanting to make a home that is welcoming and comfortable for all. It’s about wanting to raise my kiddos to enjoy life and get the most from the moment while still learning the values of respect, and honor because of Jesus wanting us to respect and honor each other.

Please hear my heart here… I’m not bragging. God has RICHLY blessed me in the obedience and the approach to teaching self-control and obedience to my kids. And I have a LONG way to go in upbringing kiddos to honor Christ. God is constantly reshaping me and remolding me to honor Him more and more with my family. To God be all the glory for the successes of my little family. I just want to come to Him holding out my family and be able to say, “I tried hard to run after You with these kids. My offering is so insufficient but I give it to You.”

What are some ways you give your family to Jesus, no matter how big or small your family?

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The Power of ‘No’

The predictable utterance of any toddler. The half-hearted response written across any teenager’s face at their parent’s exciting vacation plans. The programmed response of any adolescent when offered an “uncool” option. Yes, friends. I’m talking about the word, “NO.”

Such a small word with great power.

I’ve found that this word may not produce immediate smiles or high fives, but sometimes it’s the best response of honesty available.

God’s been teaching me a lot lately. As I type that sentence I wonder at the marvel that He would still teach me and take time to walk this road with me even as I stumble along in my toddling for truth moments.

“Where is your ministry?” is often thrown around in the Christian church.
“My ministry.”
“I just can’t find a place to serve.”

Pastor’s wives (and church staff wives), I have found, are either expected to run everything – the church MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group, Jr. High girl’s bible study, vacation bible school kindergarten 2 class, and raise 5 babies – 2 from Africa- while keeping the house cleaned and dinner on the table at 5pm. Or there’s the “does our Pastor have a wife?” staff wife that lives in her house and tries to keep from attending prayer meeting in her bathrobe.

Sure there are those staff wives that are able to find the beauty in balancing their crazy kids (who’s kids aren’t crazy), bake brownies for the next church social, and stick to only teaching their 3rd grade Sunday School class. But while we all aspire to be them we have our wonderful moments of feeling the fluctuating from the overbooked to the hermit.

And while my brain and heart digests the unspoken, yet felt, expectations or, for a kinder word, “desires” of a church Body on the Pastor’s wife/staff wife I find God walking in with a whole new life motto.

“Just say ‘no’.”

What God? Come again?

At some stages of life God is revealing to me that He just wants me here; folding the laundry while singing praises, picking up the talking hamster pet toy for the umpteenth time, changing one more diaper, and serving my husband where I am.

You know, maybe I create too much pressure on myself. Or maybe I am just trying to serve where I have in the past. But I am learning that sometimes the best thing I can do and the best glorifier of Jesus that I can be is the wife that: makes Godly goals with her family, gets up with the baby and rocks that new tooth out of hiding, prays for her husband and listens to his heart, tries to come up with new ways to surprise her husband with an ‘I love you’ note, joins in toddler dances with flailing arms and no reservation to ‘old school’ Sunday School songs, and prays ‘thank yous’ to Jesus for His marvelous works while scraping food off the dishes.

Matt has a lot on his shoulders and He needs to unload on His Savior. But am I ushering Him into the presence of God? Or am I heaping more onto the load because I failed to say ‘no’?

Someone will always ask me to do more. And I hope they never stop asking because it gives me opportunities to run to Jesus and say, “What about now? Did You want me to do this?” But there’s no shame in saying, “I agree. That ministry direction sounds great and is just what our church needs. I’ll pray for more workers alongside you and let you know if God is calling me to add more than prayer.”

He’s given me so much to be thankful for. And while I’m not to be self-serving and not to seek out the easiest road. I am reminded again and again that I will be standing at the throne of God in judgment (not Heaven or Hell. That question is sealed already.) . And though I will always have “I wish I would have done better” on my lips (if I can even talk), I want to say that I tried hard to serve and serve with my family. I want to say, I received your ministry in my life and ran hard.

So today I woke up stretching (and yawning) as my ministry awoke me over the baby monitor. My ministry filled the kitchen sink and sat by the washer. My ministry woke up for another dry morning and toddled to her little potty. And I kissed my ministry as he headed out the door for the office. And now I’m about to go clean out my ministry’s dirty littler box and then rescue my ministry from her torturous napping crib. Tomorrow, if the weather’s nice, my ministry could be sitting on the park bench watching her kids play too or standing on the side of the road asking for a hand-out.

Thank you, Lord, for the ministry you have given me.

Please continue to help me grow and mature more in serving my ministry as you expand and develop it.

I’m reminded of the praise Chorus:

Where you lead me, Lord, I will follow…
Where you lead me, Lord, I will go…

-to God be the glory.

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Unpredictable


If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that life with a 2 year old and an 8 month old can be pretty unpredictable. Let me show you what I mean:

When she decided to pick her own seat at the snack table, I didn’t really know what I agreed to. =)

Sometimes smiles are inevitable.


A balloon can quickly become a best friend.


You never really know what she’ll show off from the dress up box.


She always looks like Daddy.
But in some moments she REALLY looks like Daddy. 😉

But no matter what may come, I’ll still be addicted to

that laughing smile


and those baby blues.

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Overheard

Dakota howls and jumps about.

Matt standing at the coat closet, “Hey listen. I’m not going outside to freeze my butt off without a jacket because you’re a little impatient.”

Dakota howls at him and jumps about.

-Sometimes talking back is funny.-
_______________________________________________________

Background: We have recycled a butter tub to use in the bathtub as a small bucket with which to clean soap from baby hair.

Rachael with all innocence: “Ready Abi?” Holding the bucket of water above Abi’s head. “Look down and hold your breath.” (Quoting what she has been told many a time.)

– Sometimes my Little Mommy needs to be reminded that I’m the Mommy. hehe. –

No one freak out, people, I caught her in time. =)
________________________________________________________

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Eyes Wide Open

We enjoyed a Sara Groves concert last night. As I commented on Facebook, it was such a blessing to see the face of my little Rachael light up when Sara sang her favorite song. It’s like a whole new world opened on that toddler’s face as she heard the familiar favorites that fill our car speakers and warm our home, played and sung from the heart of the writer on stage, behind the piano in a local church. Two worlds collided. And that toddler just had to stand on the pew and see Sara from our seats – five or so rows back. Rachael’s little voice singing along as nearly a years worth of memorized songs poured from her little mind. Too precious. Too precious.

Next time Matt and I see Sara Groves, and the next time she’ll be n this area for that matter, is at the Orphans weekend in May that we’re planning on attending. I didn’t even know this was going on, in all honesty, until Matt wrapped the information and gave it to me for my birthday. See… it’s way more than an excuse to sing along to my favorite artist (though that is quite thrilling in itself).

Matt and I feel compelled and called to adopt. We’re still in the development stages of what that will mean for our family and feel very comfortable with being on the outer circle and beginning phases of that process. It’s just one more way that we’re striving to serve Jesus with all that we have. (Don’t worry this won’t be the last that you hear of this, much to your chagrin.)

I’ve been reminded lately in all things that there is so much more out there for us to do and pray for. It’s so easy to get caught in the child-raising phase that before you know it the routines become selfish, as if your family was the only one that existed. Don’t worry, people, I’m not talking about throwing out naptime — no, no, that’s for the good of mankind. =) But I am talking about using time wisely.

It’s looking for those conversations about Jesus. Seeking those times to encourage a fellow believer. Wanting Jesus to be more and more in your conversation. That Kingdom work would ocurr and not just more small-talk.

Because believe it or not, each day we leave a legacy. A legacy exemplifying who we are, what we value, and why we keep on going. And I want my legacy to be more than good morals and good values and nice words.

– Oh that they would see Jesus. –

And that I’d do better at getting of the way.

That I may decrease that HE may increase.

I’m not trying to control the conversation or manipulate others. I’m just wanting to leave good seeds and walk beside others as we figure out what it is to constantly seek His face.

I mean come on, if He can use this filthy rag then I know he can use any one of us.

In the words of a sweet Sara Groves song, “I’m gonna keep my eyes wide open, keep my eyes wide open.”

– wanting Your perspective to trump mine.

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