What do you do when you find out the county lied about the placement case you accepted?

You feel shocked.

You repeat the new information that changes the odds of working toward adoption in an unfavorable way.

You feel frustrated that your clearly stated desires were blatantly ignored.

You call your out-of-town sister in a mixture of confusion, frustration and shock.

You feel betrayed, stabbed in the back and stuck in a situation that either you or the children will pay for, not the ones that misrepresented the case.

You ask the baby, “what is going to happen to you?” in disbelief and uncertainly while bouncing him.

You put on a movie for the older kids because you’re emotionally spent.

You go for a walk when your husband gets home so you can try to clear your head and come to terms with the new conditions.

You call your husband on the walk so he can talk to you while making dinner because some things should not be shared with children.

You cry until your baby looks up at you in the front carrier with bewilderment.

You leave your mom a message since she’s one of your best friends and is unavailable.

And you just walk in the quiet, cold, asking God, “what now?”

 

Then you come home in time for dinner.

Do bath night assembly lines as usual.

And hug your boys goodnight.

Because even when you’ve been disrespected, two little people are worth more than shifting stability and the very ugliness of a case you would not choose to accept, had you been told the truth.

So who knows what tomorrow holds for all of us in this equation.

But I do know this… I can’t do this.

But Christ can.

And will.