This song just seems so appropriate in so many ways to be following the Always. post. Funny how no matter how many times you hit a valley He’s always there to make the best out of the surrender.
Always.
So things have gotten hard around here. I’ve hit a roadblock and need to refocus. I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost my press. And I’ve somehow found myself going through the motions of foster care with lack of sympathy.
A lot has happened since the boys came to our home.
I’ve lost a part of me… almost like shedding a skin. These boys are changing me and sometimes I see the uglier side of myself. That’s what 5 kids 5 and under will do to you, even if they’re not all yours. They’ll drive you to the edge. And you can shine or you can repent. I’ve found my side of repentance and I’ve also learned I can handle far more than I thought I could. But then some news came.
And I hurt.
Mom made a choice.
And I hurt for these boys.
And there’s just a lot open.
And hurting.
And it feels out of control.
I find myself losing sympathy for mom. It’s not something she has done. It’s something she IS doing. Those are two different things. Our new worker spoke with wisdom. “Some parents are comfortable with seeing their kids once a week. It’s enough for them.” I’m scared we’re seeing that unfold.
And that opens a whole new world of hurts.
I’m glad the boys didn’t know we were talking about reunification as early as this summer. Because it would have come as a crushing blow to now be enrolling Big Guy in Kindergarten. Instead he can start his year with the hope of reunification… without the added anxiety… and feeling stuck. And lost.
Somewhere in the middle.
I didn’t know sheltering a child means experiencing the hurts yourself… and smiling when they come into the room. Well, maybe I just didn’t know it’s depth.
I wish I were one of those miraculous moms. You know, the ones with the 9,000 kids AND the foster kids. The ones that don’t sweat it and roll out the nurturing and full self-sacrifice like they were born to do this. I wish it didn’t drive me crazy to hear his shrieking. I wish I could tell the future. I wish I knew if I could fully attach to them now. And I wish this would just end.
I wish there was some way to know if these boys are supposed to be mine. I wish we knew if Mom would ever change her mind… or if the county would just give up and give them back despite the track-record. I wish I felt reassured that some judge is going to see the depth of this case. I wish I felt more in control when 5 kids need me all at once. I wish it weren’t so hard to load and unload 5 kids from the van. Or that it didn’t take serious luggage and at least 45 minutes to make a “surprise” escape from our home… and then we realize half-way there that we left something. I wish I felt more in control of our time-management and I wish I had the luxury to be lazy… or sleep in … ever! … without it costing me 2 extra nighttime nursings, a shower, and my sanity.
But I’ve come to the hard reality that I’m not living in a dream world. And “All IN” is not a one-time choice, but a daily and minutely choice when it comes to loving someone else’s child… through their repetitive mistakes.
I am no longer who I once was.
I cannot go back.
Even on days that I really want to.
And while this often feels like chaos. And the tears are real and really hurt.
And while I wish I could hit an escape button and somehow work myself out of this mess many times.
I am learning in the most difficult struggle I have faced to date that God never gives us more than we can handle. But we certainly cannot handle it without Him.
It’s hard to ask for help. EVERY DAY.
It’s hard to lay down the pride and pick up the baby, even though I know he’ll still be screaming in my arms and I have a headache. It’s hard to play go-between ensuring everyone’s happiness… or close to happiness. It’s hard to work on the beginnings of disciplining a child without knowing if you’ll ever see the fruit… or even be able to finish part of the lesson.
Orphan care feels too close sometimes.
And it feels too sacrificial sometimes.
And sometimes I just have to cry. … and let it all fall off my back for a few minutes.
But the morning comes, (too early and feeling too late sometimes), and the Lord equips for one more day.
And I find that I can readjust my white-knuckled grip… clinging to the cross.
God, hold me.
I need You in all of this.
I can’t do this.
You can.
And You are.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings. Or the next few moments for that matter.
But i do know this.
You have been.
And You always will be.
Always.
Wordless Wednesday: Went There
Oh yeah, we went there. Because we can! =)
Can you guess who picked these out? Oh no, not my husband. HA!
And look at this face…
I love this boy. He is “one of us” for sure. 😉
He cracks me up. =D
It’s About Time!
So it’s time to start sharing about California. Buckle up this is gonna be a long ride.
No, in order to remain sane I’ll just start to throw in come CA posts here and there amongst my other ramblings.
So day 1 we traveled. We hauled 3 kids and 2 adults (we met my parents at the airport) out of their beds between 3:30 and 4am and loaded into the van. Rodger, Matt’s Daddy, was so gracious to stay over the night before and drop us off at the airport. You may be wondering why we didn’t take the boys – no it’s nothing personal people. We had just planned this trip before ever getting the placement and there is something MUCH different about traveling with 5 children (two of which are babies) and trying to find accommodations for 7 people and a vehicle that’ll fit us on the other side. Since things would be further complicated with vacation clearance if Mom would even want her boys traveling cross-country and other stuff we nestled the boys in at Grandma’s house and called frequently. We knew she’d smother them with spoiling and love and they’d have many wonderful opportunities to have adventures with her throughout the week.
So our plane took off at 6am ON THE DOT. And we attempted to settle three little ones in for nap #1. Hannah was out like a light at take-off with a little nursing goodness. Abi was next in line with Daddy’s hair petting and Rachael decided to stay awake the whole time and talk my Mom’s ear off. Since my Dad added in at last minute (not knowing where exactly he’d be flying from until his trucking orders were given) we hugged and promised to see him on the other side in CA. Mom graciously joined our clan to provide support staff. 😉
The girls got a chance to have more “firsts” than just the flying and found themselves enjoying the airport monorail much more than the actual flying itself. Something about the excitement of a train mixed with having your feet decently grounded brought a smile to all of our faces as the girls enjoyed the window seats.
I am ridiculously proud of how well the girls did on both flights getting to CA. There were many opportunities for meltdowns, but they really did a great job. Since I had adjusted everyone onto almost CA time a week prior to our departure, the effects of an early morning and airplane excitement were the only two challenges that day. Sadly we learned that my dear Rachael felt the effects of air-sickness not on the last landing (in which she started turning a bit green) but in the rental van right before we were about to cross the golden gate bridge. So with a little pull-off on the side of the road, change of clothing, and the use of the last of my baby wipes we gimped along to the hotel, stopping occasionally to coach the poor child through it all. All I can say is, when my kids are physically ill, they are MIGHTY troopers. Though “I need a bag” was a phrase that took a week for Abi to stop repeating in the van after our CA vacation.
So we hit a Subway for dinner (lunch in CA time) and headed back to the hotel (sitting in traffic for what felt like years while the poor Rachael still experienced her motion sickness.
Once finally to the hotel, we put the girls to bed (who went willingly) at 6p CA time. Rachael’s color had returned to her face and her normal spunk post-shower spoke of motion sickness ending with her two feet on solid ground. We were happy to see her keep dinner down before bed and the two girls knocked out without a complaint. Hannah and I knocked out somewhere in the land of “lay down and be quiet so the girls will go to sleep”. I awoke to Daddy watching ESPN and my Mom and Dad bringing us a pizza for dinner. The girls didn’t even stir.
Thus ended our Friday day of travel. And joy CERTAINLY came in the morning with a solid 13 hours of sleep for all.
… to be continued …
Music Monday: A Worthy Cause
Many years ago this artist popped into my world. My sister brought her in from college and she has become the “above the rest” artist since. It’s been a joy to watch the Lord grow her in her faith and breath His heart for the lost and dying world into her music.
We got a chance to meet her in person at the beginning of our orphan care journey when we first stepped up to the plate of “whatever you’d have for our family in orphan care, you can count on us.” We had been to many concerts, small and big. But what I love the most is so far beyond her…. it’s Jesus coming through her. She just opens herself up.
It’s a cleaning day today so naturally I have a soundtrack to keep me moving. There’s a lot to be done and I work better, faster and harder when my heart is focused on Whom I am truly serving by serving my family.
“And I love because You loved me when I had nothing…”
I can’t shake that truth from my mind this morning …. and I hope I never do.
And He’s Mine
Today is my man’s birthday.
I really can’t possibly put into words how blessed I am to get to celebrate Matthew’s 27th birthday with him. I’m so glad that I grabbed him up (and he grabbed me up) and I get the blessing of sharing in his life.
Matthew is a FANTASTIC father of three+ kiddos. You should see him. He’s that Daddy that tickles, gives horsey rides, teaches you how to swing that bat and dribble that ball, lays beside the cooing baby on the floor just to share in the foaming smile, and takes the time to sit down and snuggle you when it’s just been a long day. He’s the Daddy that wants to celebrate HIS birthday at Chuck-E-Cheese’s because he loves to see that crazy excitement in his little ones’ eyes. He’s also the Daddy that teaches the hard lessons and pushes you to keep your word. He walks through the bad habits with you and guides you out of it. He encourages you to rise above your own low expectations and supports you in your endeavors. Just come watch the twinkle in his eye – his love for these precious little ones cannot be hidden.
Loving on his little girls.
Look at the trust in her eyes.
Such a playmate. =)
Matthew is an AMAZING hubby. He’s the one who spontaneously comes home with flowers or a frosty. Offers backrubs and my favorite, foot massages, after long and hard days. Just sits with me and snuggles when all I want to do after a long and exhausting day is just zone out watching some netflix. He listens to and accepts the hard, raw feelings with wisdom and understanding that a good night’s sleep will refresh and help add perspective. And he loves deeply. With such compassion and thought. And has such self control to laugh at his own mistakes with sincere humor. He gets up after my nightmare and checks the house so I can sleep easier. He smashes those NASTY creek bugs that make my skin crawl. And he runs to be my teammate before I’ve even voiced a need. And NO he’s not up for grabs. I got him. He’s mine!!! =) I really am blessed beyond measure.
But most importantly, my Matthew is a WONDERFUL God-honoring man. His heartbeat is true to His Creator. Kingdom work remains on his mind. And poverty, human trafficking, social injustice and people’s’ lostness bring tears to his eyes. He is passionate about the Word and his passion is grounded in unshakable assurance. He is willing to do the hard and thankless work that God would receive all the glory. And he is completely honest when he messes up, trying again and fighting HARD the good fight to keep the Faith. His heart bleeds for the Lord, communicating the Lord to me, his kids, his extended family, the church and the world. He will go and do and be whenever and wherever the Lord calls. He is rock solid in his faith and is the first to humbly admit his flaws. I am so thankful for a lifelong friendship with this brother in Christ.
Yep, today is my man’s birthday. And I could not be more proud of his sacrifice and devotion and reckless love.
Each year keeps getting better and better.
I am so unbelievably blessed…
by my Matthew.
Happy Birthday, babe!
– I love you so.