You know, sometimes this process can feel very overwhelming. The hours of praying for the lost. The hours of heartbreak for a yet to be revealed people group that our Lord is calling us to. The faces we have yet to meet. My heart cries. And the numbers look so huge. And I turn and look at myself and suddenly feel so unequipped to tackle witchcraft mixed with the Koran. I suddenly feel so unequipped, sitting here in my air-conditioned home, to handle to African heat. And the bugs with my four year old who is going through a phase of utter terror of bugs. I suddenly feel so intensely unequipped as I stumble through what feels so inadequate of a Biblical knowledge when I think of counteracting generations of lostness. And suddenly being a missionary feels so beyond me.
And it is.
Then He speaks. In a low rumble. Into my depths.
“This is not about you. It is about Me.”
Tears hit my eyes. As I think of the depth of that truth.
Lord, You are so BIG. I have seen you so small amid my little bubble of comforts. You become more about blessings tan Your Sovereignty. I’m spoiled and when the parameters are stripped away I get nervous. I suddenly feel exposed and inadequate to survive in a world of deep hurts. In a world where things don’t come easily. And to my doorstep. With Prime shipping.
But You don’t fit in a box.
No, Lord, You are amidst the hurts. The pains. The depths of filth. You are amidst the brokenness that will rob us of our sleep and bring intense tears as we walk alongside another’s despair. But are we just to stay here in light of that cost? What if we were to just leave them there. Just like that. I couldn’t fathom having been left in the depths of despair without Hope. Whom would go if we stay?
It’s not about me. It’s about You.
And You are working through me. That still blows my mind. ME?!
It is with a bittersweet heart that I open my hands in my overwhelm and say, “Here, I am, Lord. Send me.” I know that I’ll never be the same. I know that I’m standing on the shore of an ocean I can’t even fathom yet. And yet in my fear of losing myself to the current, I take my first step forward.
It’s not about me. It’s about You.
I hear you training my mind, adjusting my vision to see You in the unfolding panoramic view. The Light reflecting off of the water is so bright I can barely see where I am going. But I don’t have to. I just need to listen. And step forward.
It’s not about me. It’s about You.
And when I’m tempted to step backward as I feel the ocean’s surge, my heart melts within me at the Truth that I am Yours. You will not abandon me. You know my depth and You hold me through the strongest undertow waves. The story You have written in my heart is the same depth of love in the States as it is in the foreign world – I’m just the one adjusting to the reality of revealing of that depth. You saw all this unfolding from the beginning of time. I am Yours. Forever Yours. I trust You, Lord. I am Yours. Forever Yours. All my days.
Love, come down and rescue me. Set my feet firmly. It’s not about me. It’s about You.
He does it twice a day while I rock and nurse the baby. His little purr body just bear hugs the crib railing in anticipation of some petting affections. He always looks so uncomfortable, clutching the crib for dear life lest his fat shift and he plummet to his doom. Hehe.
I’m going to miss his cute little fur face when we go to Africa.
Today we just needed a walk. We just needed sun hats and a good breeze.
We just needed to balance on curbs and collect sticks amid willow branches.
One of us just needed to ride along and have a minute to not have to share.
One of us just needed to snuggle Mommy before a good nap amid listening to Mommy breathe.
And one of us just needed to listen to the normal suburb bustling to the quiet of happily entertained children. No needed words. Just listening.
And then of course three of us needed the simple joys of fountain play. A little water dries, but the memories don’t.
Yes, today we all just needed a walk.
Thank you, Lord, for the refreshment of a good walk. May our future naptime also be blessed. 🙂
It is challenging. Beyond materialism, it’s challenging. We’ve tried to live a patterned life of simplicity, and yet it’s still challenging.
It’s hard to walk through the rooms and think, “What would we take with only two suitcases a piece?” It’s challenging to see it all as so replaceable, especially when we’ve saved for a long time or worked hard to get some of these items.
It reminds me of the rich man. Jesus talks about him in Matthew 19:24 when He says, “Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Sacrifice is even harder when we believe we are our providers. When comfort isn’t guaranteed.
God is slowly teaching my heart to let go. Let go of the work of my hands. Let go of the presumptions of needs, that are really just wants. Let go of sentiments that don’t actually hold the meanings in themselves. He’s slowly training this mind of mine to see things as tools, even if they are hard to come by. Letting go is a long process. And it leaves the wall bare sometimes. It reminds me of His desire for our flexibility. His desire for our complete dependence.
As many of you heard yesterday at church, the Lord has been making some changes in our household in preparation for His next calling on our lives. God has made it quite clear over the last 6 months that He is calling our family to the International Missions Field. What does that mean? Please allow me to explain and answer some questions:
We are currently candidates with the International Missions Board (IMB), meaning that we’ve been through the initial interview, filled out some beginning paperwork, gone to a weekend conference explaining so, so, so much about what that picture will look like for our family, and the IMB has chosen to proceed further with our family in anticipation of us joining the missions field in 12-18 months. We are honored that the IMB also sees this Call on our family’s lives and sees the opportunity as now to pursue that Call. I want to be very clear here that we are not IMB missionaries. It’s not until job placement confirmation and the commencement ceremony that we would ever become IMB missionaries, but we are currently past the “seeking the possibility” phase and onto the candidate phase upon the IMB’s approval/recommendation.
So where do we feel called? We feel called to the Sub Saharan Africa region. Where’s that? This picture helps with perspective.And while these aren’t the exact borders that the IMB works within, you get the idea. And yes, the Lord is calling my family of burnable white people to the dry, desert equator. It’s a good moment to reflect on the joy of being called during an era of the invention of sunblock. 😉
Are we aware that we have four small kids? Um, yes. Pretty aware. 😉 And it is our responsibility to care for them the best that we can. So we’re taking our missions opportunities seriously, with prayer and discernment. But we also trust that when the Lord calls us, He calls our whole family and He knows EXACTLY the best for every single person in our family. And still He called us. So we joyfully obey, knowing He knows best.
What happens next? Well, next we fill out A BUNCH of in-depth application and deployment paperwork. And then we have another big long interview. Then we’re handed off to the Sub Saharan Africa guy who has a big long interview with us, yet again, and begins to offer us job possibilities. After prayer and discernment, we select a job of our interest, research a bunch and even have an interview or two with the team on the ground in that country. If everyone is in agreement that it’s a good match, then we proceed forward to the Board. After the Board prays through our application/checks off all our paperwork then we get offered the job or we end up looking for a new job to better match us. In general, we are told that while nothing is finalized until the Board agrees, therefore offering us that job, everyone is wanting to get us onto the missions field so it’s more of a matter of job matching and less of a matter of “no more room in the inn”. After job placement match and approval by the board, there’s a commencement ceremony, a month to say goodbye to our things, 8.5 weeks at Field Placement Orientation (FPO) in Virginia with our family and then within 2 weeks we’ll step foot in our new country of residence. Then it’s a 3-4 year apprenticeship with lovely language school for a year and acclimating to our new norm with our new team before we are “free to have furlough or move, etc” missionaries.
Yes, that’s a lot of information. Yes, it’s one step at a time. Yes, it’s a lot to take in.
How exactly does the IMB work? They fully fund their missionaries. There will be no fund raising from us. They will take care of 100% of our medical insurance needs (with no co-pays), cover moving expenses, airline tickets, in-country housing rent/establishment, etc. They’ll walk us through every step, unite us with a team and keep in regular contact to assess God’s Kingdom work. They are VERY good at what they do and their reputation proceeds them. And their recidivism rate from the start of the IMB candidate (our current phase) through completion of the first term of field work (apprenticeship) is 3.5%. The closest missions agency to the IMB has a 12% recidivism rate and they don’t count those that return after stepping foot on country soil.
But what about our heart for adoption? Yes, we still would like to adopt, and plan to. Yes, we’re still praying through that. And it’s looking like “on the field” could be an opportunity once we get through language school and settled. But we are not heading to the field for the purpose of adopting. We are heading to the field for the purpose of sharing Christ with the lost and dying world.
Don’t we know the world is scary? Yes, and so is the US. (Remembers a burglar breaking in through the nursery window while my children were sleeping). But God goes before us and behind us. He has been, is and will always be more than enough. And the IMB is REALLY GOOD about maintaining the best watch on a country’s security. It’s risky to go and it’s risky to stay. We are all living in a world that is passing away. So we will continue to listen to the Lord’s guiding and trust the discernment He has placed without our hearts. He has protected us before and we trust Him to guide and protect us in the future too.
Don’t we realize that we’ll be leaving our friends and family? I don’t think we’ll ever be ok with that part. I don’t think I’ll ever be ok thinking of Eden not remembering a time when her grandma or her Goga held her. I don’t like it. It hurts. But… then I think of the millions of people living without hope. In fear. Alone. And suddenly Skype and furlough feels doable. We will be intentional. Our hearts have to be. You friends and family are dear to us. So dear. But our hearts burn within us for the lost and dying world. And we know that our love with you all will withstand the physical distance between our Skype sessions. When a board of IMB missionaries were asked about their friends and family back in the States there was not a single dry eye. Leaving will always be hard. That’s how you know the relationship is real. It’s deep. And yet one missionary said it best after his 20 year term on the field, “God works supernaturally to build a relationship between us that we never thought possible with the distance. Trust Him. He will take care of it.” Our relationships will be different. But different does not mean shallow. We’ll bring you all. Our contact and communication will look different. But we’ll bring you because we can’t bear to leave you. We love you.
What if the IMB doesn’t work out? Then God is intending to get us to the missions field through some other means and we will pray through the next step from there.
How long will we live abroad? I don’t know. But we trust God to answer that one once we settle in toward the end of our apprenticeship. We may only serve one term. Or two. Or three. Or more. But we trust the Lord, who knows better than we, to show us one step at a time down this path of trust and obedience.
So the news is out and we covet your prayers. Big Time, we covet your prayers!!! Our children are excited and nervous and curious. And we are excited and nervous and curious, too. 😉 Feel free to ask questions. But don’t be surprised if we don’t know the answers yet. This is all unfolding slowly and in God’s perfect timing.
