You know, sometimes this process can feel very overwhelming. The hours of praying for the lost. The hours of heartbreak for a yet to be revealed people group that our Lord is calling us to. The faces we have yet to meet. My heart cries. And the numbers look so huge. And I turn and look at myself and suddenly feel so unequipped to tackle witchcraft mixed with the Koran. I suddenly feel so unequipped, sitting here in my air-conditioned home, to handle to African heat. And the bugs with my four year old who is going through a phase of utter terror of bugs. I suddenly feel so intensely unequipped as I stumble through what feels so inadequate of a Biblical knowledge when I think of counteracting generations of lostness. And suddenly being a missionary feels so beyond me.
And it is.
Then He speaks. In a low rumble. Into my depths.
“This is not about you. It is about Me.”
Tears hit my eyes. As I think of the depth of that truth.
Lord, You are so BIG. I have seen you so small amid my little bubble of comforts. You become more about blessings tan Your Sovereignty. I’m spoiled and when the parameters are stripped away I get nervous. I suddenly feel exposed and inadequate to survive in a world of deep hurts. In a world where things don’t come easily. And to my doorstep. With Prime shipping.
But You don’t fit in a box.
No, Lord, You are amidst the hurts. The pains. The depths of filth. You are amidst the brokenness that will rob us of our sleep and bring intense tears as we walk alongside another’s despair. But are we just to stay here in light of that cost? What if we were to just leave them there. Just like that. I couldn’t fathom having been left in the depths of despair without Hope. Whom would go if we stay?
It’s not about me. It’s about You.
And You are working through me. That still blows my mind. ME?!
It is with a bittersweet heart that I open my hands in my overwhelm and say, “Here, I am, Lord. Send me.” I know that I’ll never be the same. I know that I’m standing on the shore of an ocean I can’t even fathom yet. And yet in my fear of losing myself to the current, I take my first step forward.
It’s not about me. It’s about You.
I hear you training my mind, adjusting my vision to see You in the unfolding panoramic view. The Light reflecting off of the water is so bright I can barely see where I am going. But I don’t have to. I just need to listen. And step forward.
It’s not about me. It’s about You.
And when I’m tempted to step backward as I feel the ocean’s surge, my heart melts within me at the Truth that I am Yours. You will not abandon me. You know my depth and You hold me through the strongest undertow waves. The story You have written in my heart is the same depth of love in the States as it is in the foreign world – I’m just the one adjusting to the reality of revealing of that depth. You saw all this unfolding from the beginning of time. I am Yours. Forever Yours. I trust You, Lord. I am Yours. Forever Yours. All my days.
Love, come down and rescue me. Set my feet firmly. It’s not about me. It’s about You.
This is such a process…
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