This past Wednesday marked 8 weeks post-op (really 8 weeks second post-op) and I found myself remembering. In gratitude. In overwhelm in some moments. And in honor of my Father who reached down into the depths of my darkest moments and healed me. Here at eight weeks post-op I am finally past 98% of the symptoms and have much freedom to choose what to eat again, no longer based on pain levels thereafter. I no longer feel sick/dizzy regularly and can finally claim that this appears to be behind me. How thankful I have been as each symptom has slowly faded away into a past memory.
I remember.
And I am humbled.
Even when my eyes could not see.
You were always there with me.
These are not my words. This is not my melody. But at risk of being misunderstood in heart, I have chosen to share with you a song that has been healing to me throughout this journey. It expresses something so deep within me that I have failed to find my own words for at times. There have been hours of singing this song in my heart as I walked the Mozambican highway, the sun freshly breaking forth on a new morning. Nothing about this process has been easy, but such beauty my Father has brought from these ashes. I truly can’t stop thinking about His goodness.
So, I invite you into the deep. The vulnerable. The truth of the processing of all this. Welcome to my dining room. Literally. Come thank our Father alongside of me as He has walked through every step of this with me. That He would receive all the glory He is due.
…I remember… what an honor.
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I will never be able to do anything to deserve the Love God has extended down to this nobody through His grace. I cannot earn grace. It is a free gift from the Father, Who desires all of us. Why us? Why restore broken humanity? Why me? My mind is baffled. Yet still He reaches down through the perfect sacrifice of His Son to right our broken relationship with Him – that we may KNOW Him and know Him deeply as we are known by Him. That I could sit at the foot of a huge tree one fall day with tear-stained eyes over my sins, my inability to uphold His perfect law. And that I could approach the Father in the sincerity of my heart, praying my own words, and receiving the freeing gift of salvation in Christ. I cannot bear the weight of my own sin, but the chosen Messiah, Jesus, took my place as the perfect sacrifice. I will never get over this. The Messiah took MY place that I could be grafted into a right relationship with my precious, beloved Father.
He led me to those truths through His Magnificent Word. And those truths have spoken to the depths of me. He defines me. I am His.
What really have I done to deserve Love like this? A Love that He has extended to me time and time again, even in that darkness of an ICU room in Johannesburg. Still He breathed His Love into me, reviving me through His Word.
The following melody is not my own but has captured my heart in the overwhelming astonishment that such a deep Love would be offered to me. Nothingness me.
I am so thankful to get the honor to tell His story in my life. How He drew me up from dark waters and restored my soul. How He sees me. How He loves me. It’s a risk to share this song with you. Vulnerability is not easy. But I am reminded of 1 Peter 3:15: “but honor the Messiah as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you.”
My defense, my account, is nothing other than the utter Love of God poured out on this undeserving nobody.
Such a Father.
Such a Love.
Extended to all.
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Soli Deo Gloria.
(All Glory be to God.)
