I have been pretty quiet over here in this space. And in some ways I’ve come to miss it. Life keeps galloping on by with a husband to share life with and four wonderful girls to invest in, so many times things fall to the wayside.

I’ve actually been wrestling with my “online presence” for a while now. It has been eye opening over the past year to watch how helpful and how hurtful online voices can be when given less constructive echo chambers, spontaneous and seemingly lack of accountability, and a free license to “be raw” at the disregarded expense of others. Thankfully, the Lord has shielded me and my family from much over the years. But it has been sobering to sit back and watch the devolving of the “Western” mindset as it can and has faded into short, egocentric online interactions.

It caught my family off guard this past year at how many people appear to be addicted to devices and the “online voice” as opposed to those sitting right before them. It has brought many a reflection on the ministry of presence and the quality and sacrifice of investing in others face to face.

It has brought much self reflection on how much time I have personally devoted to distractions over depth. You will not find me blaming any society or people group for such examples set before me for I have seen that pride and arrogance is highlighted in us all, manifesting itself in us, mankind, in so many different cultural ways across so many country boundaries.

And, as I continue to encourage my girls, I find myself striving after a continual season of self-evaluation. A ridding of the unhealthy I find within me, caused by me, fueled by me and fanned into flame by me alone.

What will my legacy be? I have asked myself this question, not to elevate myself but to diminish myself to right standing. How quickly each generation forgets about the last. Our legacies are washed away with the next round of louder distractions and comforts. Oh sure, our testimonies matter. The way in which I conduct myself can and does spur others on or place stumbling blocks before their feet. But the fame and the renown are not mine to carry. And never were.

No, it’s not really my legacy at all. Nor has it ever been. It is the Lord’s. What kind of a legacy will I detract from or contribute to for His fame?

It brings much to reflection. Much more than a silly online voice. A silly distracted presence. A silly half-hearted investment in superficial relationships that never get to heart investment.

It calls me to much more than I can even define in myself or for myself. Much more than I can even acknowledge that I think I need. Or even immaturely want based on half-understanding and my limited horizons view.

Self-sacrifice is an unpopular choice.

Depth is an intentional choice of investment.

No, I don’t find myself out here chasing my own legacy.

I find myself chasing His.

What will be today’s legacy?

Mine or His?

This past week Matt and I had the privilege of celebrating 14 years of marriage.

We took the kids to a secluded beach house and enjoyed four days of whale watching from the top of high sand dunes, tidal pool exploration, and family games.

I didn’t take many pictures because the focus was more on just being together. It was really fun changing up the scenery here on another wave of country-wide COVID lockdowns. I always cherish the time spent at our favorite spot, where time seems to be in abundance and family bonding is a focus.

There were crisp mornings on the tops of the sand dunes where the girls and I enjoyed cups of hot chocolate and waking up to the whale calves jumping. There was nowhere to be. Nothing to do but just snuggle together in blankets and watch the world wake up together. (The girls even enjoyed feeling their baby sister in my belly squirming around and waking up for the day with us too.)

Amazing what 14 years has brought into Matt and my lives. So many good and hard things we have grown together through. And it was lovely just stopping for a few days to breathe in and out as a family and a couple, reflect some, and just slow down from the noise.

It was a set aside time to treasure what the Lord has brought before us, thanking Him for His provision and protection.

And a time to even thank Him for the challenges that have defined our family in ways we did not know we needed refining.

We celebrated growth and the internal quiet changes as He has continued to mature each of us in Christ. We dreamed a bit as a family. And we looked at the stars, blanketing the huge African sky and reminding us of just how Big He is and how small we are.

And we just sat in silence together, watching the horizon. Not finding a need for words, but just enjoying being together.

I wonder what the next 14+ years will hold for us.

And I smile at the future.

Knowing the Lord is already there.