April 13th

Alivia,

Today would have been your birthday. Funny how Goga and I laughed about the fact that it was a Friday the 13th. I’m not superstitious. It was just another day.

Though we never got to hold you in our arms, I will never forget this day.

Alivia, I wish I could have seen your face, smiled at your little grunts… your soft skin… your beautiful eyes.
I wish I could have delighted in your tiny fingers… swaddled tightly your fragile arms until you felt safe and secure enough to drift off to sleep.

I still don’t know fully why we didn’t get to keep you. I know sin in our world finds it’s playground. I just wish it hadn’t brought about death. But you have met the Creator of Life, in one lost heartbeat you appeared at His throne. Fragile and naive of deep hurts, you found yourself with Jesus. He will care for you far better than we could.

Eleven weeks and three days in utero. We were going to announce you to all our friends, family, and the church at 12 weeks. You only had eleven weeks and three days in utero. The world may not count you as a baby, but there was no doubt in my mind. I saw your little hands. Those little feet. Your little heartbeat. Your closed eyes. Nothing can convince me that you were just some glob of tissue. No, my baby, you were so alive.

God can and has worked all things for the good of those who love Him. He has and will continue to use this for His glory, my dear Alivia. For your life pointed and continues to point directly to Jesus. Hope is found in His eyes. How amazing to think that one so small – only an inch or so big, could so clearly point to the Ruler of the World, without ever speaking a word or taking a breath.

Alivia, I missed you when my friend announced her pregnancy. I felt a little pinch of hurt. I missed you when I held my friend’s newest bundle of joy. I miss you when I look into your big sister Rachael and Abi’s eyes sometimes, catching that glimpse of utter joy I hoped to see in your eyes.

I miss that I will never get to hold you in my arms, or watch your character grow… your personality form… and discovery and mastery and accomplishment light your eyes. I miss that I will not get the privilege to call you mine and announce, “That’s my girl!” I miss that I will never get to delight in how you play with your sisters, running through the house with glee.

Alivia, Daddy and I used to joke that you had to have been a girl because “he only makes girls.” We laughed that he defied the “Stauffer” odds of having boys by having two girls in a row. We don’t even know for sure if you were a girl, but what we do know is that you had as good of a chance as any.

It took me a month before I spoke your name. The shock of it all is still so real sometimes. Daddy agreed shortly thereafter that it just fit right… Alivia. And of course Mommy had to spell it “a little funny” to fit in with the rest of the kids. Alivia. My precious.

We miss you. We love you. And you are not forgotten.

Some day we hope to see you, if we get the privilege. And if we don’t get the privilege, sweet girl, just know that there was a family down here that was just thrilled at the chance to love you and hold you, but Jesus made the best of the situation… as I am sure you are well aware. And we too hope to feel Him and know Him fully to be our faith’s sight someday.

Praise Him all the more up there, sweet Alivia.

He deserves it all.

– Your Mommy.

*** Written October 2011.

Survivor: Toddler Style

It started out as a great little adventure. The children had visited the playground, saw the farm animals and were beginning to settle in after their lunch. We were out with the cousins at a local park when we decided, “Sure, let’s walk a short trail before we head on home.”

The trail was littered with a few old carnival items, remnants of bliss hundreds of years ago. So with our plotted map of distractions, we set out.

I’d like to take a moment to list the items we left for our walk with because they will matter as the story goes on.

First of all, there were 7.5 of us going out on this adventure. Five children were age almost 5 down to Abi, 21 months. Then there was pregnant me, bell pepper baby and my sister in law, Ellen. Ellen and I have laughed about “mating season” because out of her three children, my two nephews are each 3 weeks older than Rachael and Abi. So that put pregnant me, bell pepper baby, Ellen, five years old, two three year olds and two a-few-month-shy-of-two one year olds. Ellen brought a single umbrella stroller for Josiah (her youngest) and two water bottles. I brought the diaper bag, two sippies and a water bottle, and our single running stroller (which I now love even more than the first day we were so graciously given it).

The walk began with a small melt-down via Rachael about her desire to hold the nap and the fact that we were getting close to nap time (sigh). But since the map’s course was only a little over a half hour, I still decided that an adventure rubbing up against nap time would be okay for today. Rachael came around in two minutes of boundary confirmation and we were good again.

They all started off with a bounce in their steps, excluding Abi and Josiah who rode contently in their strollers.

Shortly into the trip we noticed that the path colors and indicators were not quite matching up with where the map said we were. But the colors still matched where the map said we were headed, so we went on cheerfully.

We found our first wreckage find, the base frame of two old cable cars. Great excitement erupted form the group of “pretty easy to entertain” kids. And with a few cute pictures of smiling faces we marched on to our next discovery.

 A little ways up the road split with pink and orange branching off and purple and orange going on ahead. We stopped to check the posted map provided by the park at the fork. The sun had faded that map into uselessness. So out came Rachael’s map again and we came to the realization that we had been on the very part of the trail we were hoping to avoid. We then plotted “the best way back” route while still seeing a few more remnants along the way. Feeling confident in our ability to entertain and have a realistic walking distance for three small and seatless preschoolers, we went on to the orange and purple pathway.

Then a hill came – taking a lot of the wind from the children’s sails. We struggled to find a nearby stream, some purple flowers and a big hollow tree to distract them into their second wind.

We found the remnant of a push car at the top of our shaded forest trek in just the nick of time as the children were quickly losing the joy of the walk. Feet were getting heavy, nap time was upon us and the walk was turning into a bit more than desired or planned. Rachael asked to ride in the stroller, so I set her in the jogging stroller straddling the front fixed wheel, thankful for the wheel shield providing the security away from the entrapment of the rotating wheel. Abi was unfazed. But Ellen was in a different predicament, poor thing, with only one seat in the umbrella stroller and three kids wanting to ride. She did what any resourceful Mom does and stacked two in the seat while one walked.

We then hit a second fork in the road, at this point our adult joy was beginning to reach it’s peak. The path again split, this time both paths were labeled with the same colors. Back to the map – only this time it was a guessing game. Should we go left straight up the crazy big hill and risk taking an extra detour? Should we go right over the pretty-straight path and hope it was not a facade for the longer path. I chose right. My back and shoulders liked the idea of the non-hilled version. And I hoped I was right.

Shortly after we were faced with a second fork in the road with both paths marked with the same colors. This time the choice was made for us – one of the paths had a log across it and non of us desired to lift 5 kids, two strollers and ourselves over that log, no matter how do-able it could be. I was grateful later to have avoided the straight up-hill path and the log path because we later found out that they were connected to a loop and were the same path. Thanks, Lord, for sparing us.

At this point we looked at the map again and took a stab that going back would actually be further than going forward, though at this point forward appeared to be a bit more unknown.

We continued on.

Then the path started getting rocky with dried clumps of dirt that proved hard for an umbrella stroller loaded down with “completely done” kids. Rachael and Abi had abandoned their socks by then and resided to riding/balancing (dear Rachael) in the stroller for the rest of the trip. Abi started to get fussy since at this time it was PAST nap time (sweet), so I busted an extra park guide from the stroller tote and introduced it to her as a book. Her spirits instantly changed and she began reading the book aloud to us.

As time and heat and spirits decreased from the overall group, I started walking ahead of the group with my girls in hopes to shout back good news as we came across new signs. Hard thing was… we weren’t coming across new signs. We were just lost. On a trail. In the woods. With a map. And five nap-time kids. And draining water rations. …. hmmm.

There came a point in which we just had to suck it up – I mean what really are you going to do? We certainly weren’t camping there and stopping wasn’t helping. Ellen, poor thing, alternated from carrying Josiah on her hip and the two older kids riding in the stroller to all of them walking while she trudged over a rocky spot to two walking and one riding to two riding and one walking. You do what you can to keep the “obviously so done” herd moving.

There was hope when we hit the road and the map FINALLY lined up with the trail markers. Pep returned to our steps a bit when we saw the “small” stretch before us to the parking lot and our “so glad to see you” cars. Small felt long at times, with fatigue starting to set in for the whole group, but my girls began singing songs to their maps/park guides and I tried to stay ahead to call back signs of hope. Alas we hit the parking lot’s edge…. 45 minutes later than desired. That made the total trek to be an hour and a half.

I don’t even think we made it out of the parking lot before Abi was out cold – such hard work riding in a stroller. And the girls slept long and hard in their beds when we got home. Ellen’s kids perked up with a packet of crackers rationed out in the car. And our adventure ended with a hug and a “never again” smile.

I called Matt on our way ojt of the park and announced in my most desperately wild voice possible, “We were lost in the woods, baby…. LOST! (dramatic pause) but we found our way out… and no one needed a tourniquet…. or medical attention…. (dramatic labored breathing).” To which came the reply, “Ok, good, honey.. I’m glad to hear that… would you mind sharing more when I get home, I’m in staff meeting.” I snapped back, “Oh yeah, sure. No prob. Sorry to bug ya, babe.” “It’s okay. See ya in a few hours. Love you.” hehehe. My bad. =)

Honestly, despite getting lost in the woods… and the hills…. and the tired kids… and the shortage of water… I really enjoyed the afternoon. The walk was nice in many spots. And I’m proud of my girls for holding it together when we all knew there was nothing we could do to change the circumstances.

And I’d probably do the walk again… just not before nap… and not with limited water rations… and not without a double jogging stroller…. and a strong husband to trade off on pushing. 😉

Actually, I think our 2 mile walks recently have conditioned us all to enjoy the outdoors more, even if we have to exercise. They proved good training for today’s episode of survivor!

– I’ll sleep well tonight.

Wordless Wednesday: Remembering Summer

It’s cold so today I’m remembering summer heat and fun. On Wordless Wednesdays for now on words will be less, but not completely cut out and pictures will be the primary blog entry. I thought this a fun way to share some of our pictures on a pretty regular basis – even if (in today’s post) they are from the mission trip LAST summer. [This is the most typing you will see ever in Wordless Wednesday posts, most will just be a word or two below a picture.]

“Mine.” 
(“Don’t mess”)

 Joys of a playful grandma.

Daddy. 
(Enough said.)
Independent adventure bliss.
Sunshine.
(Post ice cream.)

Anticipating Everything BUT This…

A few days ago I posted our goodbye to a beloved friend. I wanted to update you all on the grieving process:

She appears to be over it. I’m not even sure if she needed a grieving process, honestly. She asked twice during nap the first day about her pacifier to which I told her “Paci’s all gone. Paci’s bye bye.” And she altered her affection to her blanket and singing seahorse (who were previously a needed trio and now a needed duo). At night time (day 1) she didn’t even mention it. The following day at nap time she asked about paci. I told her the same two lines I had recited the day before. She moved on. That night (day 2) – no issues. Yesterday (day 3) at nap she never mentioned the pacifier and yesterday at bed she asked one time with the same response to my answer.

Today (day 4) she didn’t mention it at nap time.

That’s it. My drama queen has been surprisingly undramatic about the whole process.

I had anticipated everything but this kind of a reaction.

Wow! That was easy! This ROCKS!

So it appears that the beloved friend is in the past with minimal eye batting and much moving forward.

As for blankey and seahorse? I couldn’t care less if she sleeps with them for the rest of her life. They won’t make her teeth rot out or delay her speech. And they are loved, snuggling friends who provide much comfort primarily at bedtime or on “waking up on the wrong side of the bed” mornings. Dude, we all need our comfort snuggling every once in a while. 😉

– Thanks, Jesus, for the evidence of her trusting that we’ll provide what she needs.

Goodbye, Beloved

This morning marked a huge step out of babyhood for my dearest Abi Grace. This morning after breakfast (don’t mind our wild night time hair), we said goodbye to our beloved friend, Paci. We rounded up all the paci’s in and around Abi’s bed (the last remaining ones in the house since we weaned her back months ago from daytime paci use).

Rachael talked all about how big people don’t use pacifiers and proceeded to list off a list of all the people we know that don’t use pacifiers while we gathered up the friends.

Then we put them in a bag, Abi having a last suck of “the favorite” one.

And we paraded off to the closet where we stored them away. We purposefully put them into a closet that they are not stored in so we can recheck the closet in the moment of her distress and see that the paci’s are truly gone. (I already pocketed them and moved them while no one was looking). During their nap time today, I’ll take them down and thoroughly clean them before returning them to storage.

And while this morning she was smiling and saying “Bye, bye Paci. All gone Paci,”

I know that nap time and night time will come with grieving. So today we are putting on our sackcloth and ashes in memory of the dear friends and we will be grieving and providing many condolences throughout this process. Paci has been an emotional and trusted friend since Abi was only a week or so old. And today, at 21 months we have said our goodbyes.

After much thought I figured paci would be the best one to go first in the months of transition that lye ahead for dear Abi. Since Avocado will be joining us a few months post-Abi’s two year old birthday, getting rid of the pacifier, changing to the big bed and potty training possibilities are all around that time frame. Since I know there will be much transition in adding another burrito to our mix, starting a transition slightly early will allow for a more natural transition that is not fueled by the new baby. Due to how Abi grieves, saying goodbye to paci while still contained in her crib is a better strategic move than unleashing the wild in a run-around-the-room-availability bed. At this rate Abi will be long past paci (3 months) before moving to the “big girl” bed at 2 years old. Then we’ll see how potty training fits into the mix as is dictated by Abi’s desire and readiness. I’m in no push to move her from diapers until she is ready, but paci, on the other hand, is only serving an emotional purpose (no longer fulfilling the physical teething need) and that emotional attachment will only get stronger with time. Thus, paci has “moved out” and we will grieve his departing until the new normal kicks in. 

And yes, all you Moms out there, cry with me because my baby’s growing up. 😉

Well done, Abi baby, you are and will brave this adventure well. We’re here for you, Abi, in this transition.  And we’ll all be sure to nap together after the first potentially rough night. 😉

– Hopeful and Proud.

Costly Diapering?

**** Warning: This post has potentially too much information for the non-cloth-diaper enjoying crowd. For those who would like to read and learn, I have included this post. For those who couldn’t care less, you will be bored and potentially overwhelmed so feel free to find another time filler for today. 😉

So since I’m a borderline dork when it comes to frugality and practicality, I decided to do some math today while my diapers dried. Now, I don’t claim to be a math major (HA!) but I can add and subtract with use of a calculator. 😉

Back in December we decided to give cloth diapers a try. Abi’s little bum had had enough of disposables and the diaper rash thereof so we decided to stop spending so much in diaper rash cremes and making poor Abi suffer and instead to try my sister in law’s, at the time, vacant stash of cloth diapers. Now we are well aware that the ability to try out and then decided what kind of cloth diapers fits your family best cuts the initial cloth diapering cost down HUGELY, but I also found in my research a few offers to try cloth diapering for a $25 deposit for a month to come to a similar family decision on likes/dislikes and practicality.

—————————
Let me take a break to define helpful vocabulary in the following posts: We use a pocket diaper for nighttime, nap time and Daddy’s favorite/babysitter needs. A pocket diaper has 1-2 inserts (depending on age of child/volume of pee) that slide into the pocket and do not require a separate cover to be worn in the diaper. A pocket diaper looks and functions like a disposable diaper and, thus, is most appreciated by the disposable-diaper-friendly world. A pocket diaper requires the insert to be removed prior to washing and the insert to be dried in the dryer whereas the shell can be line-dried. A pocket diaper is considered a “premium” diaper and usually ranges around $15-$20 new from in the U.S., $5 new from out of the U.S. and $5 used inside the U.S. for a quality pocket diaper that will last for multiple kids. A pocket diaper can come size-specific or one-size to snap down for newborn through toddler (potty training) size. We prefer the one-size method since it is the most economical. And we also prefer a pocket diaper with an additional hip snap (second single snap on the diaper flap) to adjust leg size and make for a better fit. Pocket diapers also come in snap or velcro for the top diaper attachment around the hips. We prefer snap closure on the pocket diapers since Abi has quickly figured out how to unvelcro (probably not a word, but whatever) pocket diapers at night/nap (eeek!). We have 14 one-size pocket diapers. This is a one-size pocket diaper:

A prefold is a classic cloth diaper which requires pins or a snappi (substitution for pins) to hold the diaper in it’s shape around the baby. You can reuse snappies with diaper changes. We have 2 snappies. 

 A prefold can be folded in many different ways to specialize the shape, fit and needs of the baby (ex. different folds can be used for boys vs. girls, heavy wetters vs. normal wetters, and pooping vs. non-pooping). A prefold requires a cover or else the baby will wet their clothing or your carpet. A prefold can come in different sizes (newborn, infant, toddler, large toddler), but can be as simple as just 2 sizes: infant (7-15lbs) and toddler (16-30lbs). We have 10 toddler-sized prefolds. This is a prefold:

A cover is only needed for a prefold and can come size-specific or in a one-size. We prefer the one-size. The top closure system comes in snap or velro. We prefer velcro due to a better fit in varying hip sizes and Abi being too busy in the daytime to unvelcro her cover. We have two one-sized covers and one large cover. This is a one-size cover that can be snapped down to baby’s size for newborn through toddler:

So our total diaper count for our stash is 24 diapers (pockets and prefolds/snappies/covers) which gets us 2 days worth of diapering and a few left overs while I wash diapers.

——————–

Okay…. now back to the one-sided conversation:

To me, cloth diapering is less an environmental issue (though it does have wonderful perks) and more of a cost-effective, practical and reality issue. If you cannot put forth money up front, cloth diapering may not be for you. If you cannot keep up with your current loads of laundry and have no desire to, cloth diapering may not be for you. If you hate handling poops and pees, cloth diapering may not be for you (because poops and pees that have sit for even 24 hours in wait for the laundry are smelly business – though you don’t have to stink balm the house).

So with the grace of Matt’s “we can try it” encouragement, we stepped into the unknown of cloth diapering. Abi’s rash immediately disappeared, though my sensitive skinned baby still has rash bouts when she passes a silent poop and does not inform us until we find it an hour later. Any kid sitting in poop with sensitive skin will rash. And Abi’s a unique skinned baby. Diaper rash for us disappears w/o creme in 24 hours with cloth diaper airing and more frequent changes [10-12 vs 8] until rash is gone. With disposable diapers Abi had a blistering rash for 1 to 2 weeks with continual diaper rash creme application.

It took us a month to get it together – wish I would have researched “things I would have loved to know then that I know now” topics about cloth diapering and I could have avoided our figuring out soap to diaper quantity, laundering guessing, and some general “how to”s. The reality of cloth diapering, though, is that you need to know what you want (ex. how frequently do I want to change a diaper and how realistic is my want?) and what you can tolerate (ex. how often do I want to wash my diapers and be tied to the whole laundering process?) and then look for the diapers and stash that best fits that need.

Some things are trial and error, especially if you have a heavy wetter. So it’s nice to have a starter kit or borrow some diapers from a friend who has different kinds. Or buy small amounts (1-2) of different kinds of second-hand diapers to figure out what works well for you. I would not suggest investing solely in one type of diaper, especially if you’ve never used that diaper before. I bought many second-hand diapers from a lady who did just that and have seen many posts from likewise sellers.

So I sat down to do the math today, like I was saying earlier, and came up with these numbers from buying off-brand disposable wipes and Huggies snug and dry (basic line of diaper) diapers (since that was the only diaper that was least rashy on Abi and produced the greatest bang-for-your-buck coupons).

*** Matt caught my math error in wipes calculations and I have adjusted the costs due to my error. ***

Wipes per month cost us approximately $18.00 (1 box of 556 count is $12.00 cheapest we have found). This doesn’t seem too bad and costs a total of $216.00 per year. That’s presuming you are wiping only one child, using a box (556+ count) and a half of wipes per month (which is what we were using when adding in boogey-nose wipes and restaurant-table wipes, etc).

Diapers per month cost us $51.38 presuming we could find some coupons and buy the largest sized box of 156 diapers (or buy the smaller boxes with more coupons = more money savings). That’s a total of $616.50 a year and I’m not adding in the up to $8/6 oz bottle of diaper rash creme that can be added on the top to the diapering cost.

Total wipes and diaper costs are $832.50 a year for one child (if you don’t have to buy diaper rash cremes at all).

Now, our initial diaper stash we have put at most to total $175 between diapers, inserts, laundry soap ($5 every 3 months – you only use a TBSP per load), homemade wipes solution (I just found it more practical and cost effective to cut up and sew together old receiving blankets and wipe Abi with that in a solution of baby oil, lotion and baby wash which I can throw into the wet/dry bag and wash with my diapers vs finding a separate trash can for just the wipe and not knowing if the wipe is causing a diaper rash or not for sensitive skinned baby), clothes line/clothespins (used previously owned white string-stuff and $1 for 50 clothespins), wet/dry bag (transports diapers home when out – you could use a plastic grocery bag, but we prefer an odor-shut-out bag that is washable), trashcan liner (for trash can when diapers are waiting for wash day), $2 trash can from thrift store, second-hand diapers/diaper covers, and I don’t think I forgot anything else in the equation. I can only count $150 that we’ve spent thus far, but I’ll add it all up to $175 to be generous and realistic (since my memory’s not 110%).

The ongoing cloth diapering cost is $5 per 3 months of Purex Free and Clear detergent (the cheapest cloth diaper safe detergent) so that equals $20 per year in detergent alone. Then there is the monthly cost of $4.92 ($1.64 per bottle for off-brand baby safe baby wash, baby oil and baby lotion to make wipes solution)  that we choose to make to use cloth wipes so that’s $59.04 per year for wipes. ***You could just use water instead of a cloth diaper solution with wipes, but we choose to spoil our little Abi (and future little ones) with a whopping &59.04 per year. I know, I know… we’re really luxurious over here. 😉
So that’s a total of $79.01 to cloth diaper a child per year.

So this year alone we will have saved $578.49 for diapering Abi.

Now, due to the age breakdown of our kids and the little one on the way, Abi could still be using her toddler diapers when peanut 3 comes to join our family. Since we bought all-in-one diapers to save on cost (even if peanut’s trousers are a little bulky initially) we can use many of the same diapers since our stash allows for 14 diapers a day with me washing diapers every 2 days and Abi only uses 8. Since a newbie uses at least 14/day and will not fit into Abi’s toddler-sized prefolds, we will be looking at adding an additional $50 to the total spent on the whole cloth diapering project. Since $50 is what we spent per month on disposable diapers, a one-time $50 investment is looking nice. Abi will also be out of her toddler prefolds when baby needs them so we’ll not need to double anything else in our stash. And my guess of $50 is a bit high since most entire stashes of newborn/infant prefolds are being sold for $20 secondhand. But I am also taking into consideration that the diaper covers Abi wears cannot also be worn at the same time as newborn so we’ll need to invest in a few more covers to get the job done. While a few more covers will not get us to $30 I am taking into consideration that I may need to add a few more wipes to our stash ($0.50 at the thrift store for a receiving blanket that makes 7-8 wipes) and making some potty training pants could be helpful for Abi in the future though not necessary.

Adding that $50 to the ongoing cost to cloth diaper a child (x 0.5 because it is cheaper to buy in bulk and Abi will not be diapered for the full year) would make $168.52 for the year.

So that’ll make our next year savings at $663.98 to diaper 2 children (one newborn to 1 year and one in late toddlerhood).

The following year (kid 3 age 1-2) we’ll save $753.49.

So that’ll put our total savings over 3 years to be $1,995.96.

Does time, labor and effort play into the cost? Certainly! I’m not going to pretend like the laundry is not an extra effort. I am doing one extra load of laundry every two days. It does take time – a cycle and a half in the washer and a full two-three cycles in the dryer for the inserts/wipes (the night inserts take the longest to dry) plus a half hour of drying outside on the line for the diaper covers/shells or over the night for the covers/shells or 40 minutes in the dryer on low heat. It does take me at least 4 hours from start to fold to wash/dry my diapers. It takes time. It takes effort and work.

And so does my other laundry. And the house chores. And investing in the kids. And homeschooling.

Cloth diapering is not for everyone. It is work. It costs up front. And it can be time consuming and frustrating until you figure out what works for everyone who’ll be diapering the child or children. Matt has preferences in the cloth diapering world, and I do my best to cater to them because I want him to change baby’s diapers too. 😉 And he has also been very gracious and flexible in learning what is best for our daughter. I am grateful because not only can I do the math of savings as a result of cloth diapering, but I can also provide the best for Abi, and lil apple-sized invader (we don’t know gender yet).

There is much to think about in the world of cloth diapering, but the numbers do add up nicely in your favor.  But for us, cloth diapering is a helpful, realistic, practical, and cost-effective method to provide the best diapering options for our family. Also has the unexpected added bonus of helping me keep up on the other laundry too. 😉

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