Category: being pregnant

Not So WordLESS Wednesday…

This Wednesday I wanted to share a picture, but this one requires a few more words. So it’s a “Not so Wordless Wednesday” over in these parts, but next week I’ll return to the more wordLESS side.

This is copied from an email. I had debated whether or not to share this, but I decided to share this because I think God will reap the glory.

“Matt was cleaning out the bathroom today when he emerged with it on the way to the trash. “Suppose we can throw out your old pregnancy test?” He chuckled. I had forgotten I had held onto it from when we first learned we would be welcoming our third child to the household. “I guess that one came to fruition, huh?” I laughed back as he tossed it in the trash and returned to his cleaning. I remember choosing not to throw it away so quickly. Something about having miscarried Alivia before made me want to cling to the hope of getting to see the next baby’s ultrasound. It almost solidified more in my mind that even if we lost this baby, she was real. Alivia felt like such a haze of misfortune and I just wanted to hold onto something real. I could not protect the baby, no more than I could protect Alivia.

I remember coming home with the first set of sonogram pictures. Our little peanut-baby. And wondering if we’d ever get to a second set of pictures this time. I trusted God. He gives and takes away and makes the best of every situation – even the hurts. I put the pregnancy test back in the bathroom cabinet. It still showed positive.

The second set of pictures came at 12 weeks and it was like a breath of fresh air. But there also lay the reality and the sting of past loss. I chose to hold onto the pregnancy test. It still showed positive.

I could have thrown it away when I first felt Hannah move. She was clearly proof in herself that thus far God had chosen for us to keep the child. But I left it put just for a little while longer. It still showed positive.

And when we came home from the hospital holding our precious Hannah in our arms, the test got pushed to the back of the cabinet some sleepy morning in search of the toothpaste. It got lost somewhere in the new challenge of raising three little ones, on a handful of hours of sleep. It still showed positive.

—

I fished the test out of the trash. [Don’t freak out, it was on the top. (hehe)] I just wanted to take a picture. So I grabbed the sonogram pictures from the fridge door and brought them over to the swing. I laid them on her sleeping little body, beside the “gangrene test”, Matthew and I had joked about. I took a picture.

Sure you can count me weird.

But I just wanted to remember how it felt…

to be standing in front of an answered prayer. ”

– Thanks be to God.

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A Wonderful Birthday Celebration.

*written yesterday but didn’t have time to post til today.

We started out yesterday morning coming in to be induced at 5am. While 5am was an early start to the day (since the day really started at 3:30a for me), we were excited at the surreal joy of finally getting to meet our Hannah. One last photo of the bump before suiting up in the gorgeous hospital gown 😉 and starting the IV.

They began the induction with a very small dose of Pitocin at 6am. It was a little slow going from the 3cm I started at to 4cm that we finally accomplished five hours later. They slowly inched the Pitocin up during the first five hours. And then after 12mL of pitocin per minute, my body took over and ran the rest of the labor without need for further induction.

The labor was primarily a lot of back labor and tailbone pain added to the laboring contractions. So I happily received an epidural at 4cm dilation and 75% effacement. Unfortunately the first epidural was a “dud”, but once it was removed and reapplied, my joy and smile returned. =)

I went from 5cm to 6 and almost 7cm in an hour and a half. Then I moved to 8, almost 9cm in twenty five minutes and landed at 10cm five minutes later. Yeah… the second half of labor went fast. And here’s the funny, quirkiness of my daughter. I was dilated to 10cm and fully effaced… and Hannah still had not dropped. hehe. No sooner had the nurse told me to notify her of any pressure I may have that the pressure of Hannah slowly descending into the birth canal was felt. Dr. K was still in transit from the office when I felt the first desire to push. I ignored that desire, waiting out Dr. K’s arrival.

I felt relieved when the nurses asked me to take a couple of preparatory pushes and then Dr. K walked into the room shortly thereafter. When I first started delivery pushes I felt immediately that Hannah was big. And after six or seven rounds of three/four pushes a piece, Hannah was out and under the lights. Physically Hannah’s delivery affects on my body were the gentlest to date via delivery. For that I was grateful for no additional drama and am currently blessed to be healing well and mobile.

Hannah was born at 2:12pm on September 5th, 2012 at a whopping 10lbs, 10 ounces and 24 inches long.

Yes, I birthed a 3 month old. 😉 And she couldn’t be healthier.

Hannah blessed me by immediately taking to nursing with a kind latch and has been a valiant learner since. I am thankful for the leeway of her ten pound self to teach her to get her suck organized without the urgency of jaundice or a low birth weight.

Still under twenty-four hours old, Hannah has been kind to Matt and I with her sweet little personality desiring uninterrupted close snuggling. She prefers to listen to Matt and my heartbeat and breathing while nuzzling her little face into our necks. She has a wonderful set of mature lungs that find their power when poked and prodded by nursing staff, but otherwise just complains in bird-like pathetic squawks when she feels that Mommy and Daddy are too far away.

Rachael and Abi came up to meet our newest family member the evening of the 5th, delighting in Hannah’s little bundle amongst to excitements of the hospital room, cupcakes to celebrate Hannah’s birthday (thanks Aunt Jes) and the energy of a day of play away from Mommy and Daddy that refused to let them sit still for long. Unfortunately I was awaiting the affects of my pain medication while they were visiting, but Rachael and Abi gave me grace and tried to hug very gently.

The first night Hannah napped in the evening, her first real nap on this side of the womb, and happily nursed for at least 15 minutes per side three times before settling in for the night at 1am. She slept until Mommy encouraged her feeding at 3am and had her first dirty diaper since delivery. Hannah decided to excel in her pottying habits coming in with her daily requirement of dirty diapers not during the regular 24 hours, but at just a few minutes over 12 hours. The nurse was very happy at the fruit of a good nurser.

So as we continue to nap, study, and delight over our newest daughter, we are enjoying her little grunts, snuggling habits, and excited visitors later today who will come to celebrate with us the blessing and miraculous gift of Hannah Joy.

She’s currently sleeping with her Daddy, inching over to be closer to his face so I am going to get off the computer and take advantage of another napping window before Hannah;s next feeding session.

We are blessed beyond belief and thankful for all the prayers, encouragement and support we have and will continue to receive from all our friends and family. It really has been an utter pleasure to share in these moments with you all. And best of all, it has and will continue to be our complete pleasure to share with you our dear little Hannah Joy. Thank you all again.

Happy birthday, little Hannah. Welcome to our world. =)

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Goodmorning Hannah

Goodmorning cricketed darkness,

Today my youngest daughter will be joining this side of the womb. in anticipation she shared some strong contractions with me last night, which were happily masked a bit by tylennol and a hearty snack. Despite the normal series of naps termed sleep for the past few months, today is a day filled with excitement and adrenalin that’s already staking it’s claim in my alert eyes and smile. Today’s the day, sweet Hannah. Today’s the day! We’ve waited for a long time for you. We’d hoped for a long time for you. And so many things about today still feels so surreal.

We made it! We made it to 39 weeks, putting the most meat on your bones and giving you the best chance without utterly torturing your Mommy.

We made it to our induction date so Dr. K can claim the rights to having delivered all three of my girls.

We made it through first trimester nausea, pinched nerves, lower back pain, sickness, being breached, hip blows, and so many more things that seem to now be on the back burner of “over”.

We made it through wonderful family moments watching “the blob” rearrange Mommy’s stomach.

We made it through sisterly love resulting in elbow pokes and your next closes sister in line sitting directly on your bump for months while Mommy carried her.

We made it!

And now all that’s left is your final debut. The revealing of God’s miracle that He has been stitching together in you.

Hannah Joy, you are beyond loved, prayed for and hoped for. Today we get to meet your wonderful character and begin to study your personality. Today!

Anticipated baby girl, we love you so and while the world will be blurry, cold and frustrating in many new demands and sensations, we look forward to you learning to feel our love not in the pats, kisses and words from the outside of your protection layer, but through the snuggles, rockings, and songs we sing over you as we embrace you as our own.

For whenever you choose to come today, for whatever happens in your delivery,

I just want to say:

Happy birthday, Hannah Joy!
Precious little girl, happy birthday indeed!
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The Last Few

So over these last few days I’ve found projects to keep me busy and distracted.

After being given the first letters of Rachael and Abi’s names a good while back that I hung above their beds on the wall, I decided it would be cool to have one for Hannah as well. Before we got a second glimpse at Hannah’s gender (when we found out that she was breached) I was debating leaving the letter off the wall until we were certain of gender come delivery day. Even though they get a good look at her gender at 21 weeks, you never know. After we discovered she was breached we were certain of her femininity with a clear, unmoving picture. At 37 weeks she would have had VERY obvious boy parts should she have been an Elijah Joel. 😉

So the letter on the wall was now an option.

I started off to the craft store with the girls to buy an H in the same letter series that the girls’ letters came from. Unfortunately in the past two years the craft store had stopped selling that line of letters. So I became more creative. Still wanting things to be reasonably priced, I opted for the simpler letters for $1.50 a piece instead of the $3 ones since I’d now be purchasing three letters, one for each of the girls, so they matched. With the $1.50 letters I was also able to give Rachael and Abi a choice from a few decals to put on their letters. Hannah got the default one after Rachael and Abi picked.

When we got home and the girls were down comfortably for their nap, I used some nearby paint left over from painting the nursery “back in the day”. I painted all three letters the same so they’d match and then attached their decals to the letters with sticky tac so they could exchange decals later if they wanted or the decals could be used to decorate other things in the future.

Thus I give you their letters: It was a few hour project due to allowing paint to dry.

I also decided to label the girls’ drawers and put up words/pictures to help them in putting away the laundry. Rachael has her drawers memorized as to what should go where, but Abi often will forget between the couch and her squealing run down the hallway just what drawer you asked her to put her clothing into. So in an effort to reinforce literacy for Rachael and encourage Abi’s independence, I found these labels online. I printed them off and slapped their beautiful black/white selves on the drawers.

And that happy little project also extended to the closet where the organization is a happy perk in easy communication of hang-up items.

Then I saw a pinterest post of a do-it-yourself butterfly mobile and thought instantly “I’d like to do that….. some day” well some day came over the last few days. While I chose not to use the above tutorial, I did print off a basic outline of a butterfly from searching “clipart butterfly” on google images. Then I printed off 10 pages of black/white butterflies. Since I wasn’t worried about rushing the project, but instead about filling time with a fun craft, I wasn’t concerned that I planned to color each of the 60 butterflies’ front and back (120 total) and then cut each one out. I used a cross-stitching wooden ring as my circular base. I then painted it white as a primer and a light pink (mixed from the old nursery colors). I used some clear fishing line found in the bracelet section of the craft store ($2). Thanks to borrowing a friend’s glue gun (I don’t have one), I tied and glued the fishing line to four spots on the top of the circle, attaching a small washer to the top as a “hanging hook.” I then glued nine butterflies around the upper circle. Then I attached the various lengths of fishing line hanging down from the circle. After each butterfly was colored and cut out, I hot glued each at various places to each of the eight hanging strings. I did some basic math to use the remaining butterflies to attach at least six butterflies per string.

Now I did have some battle scars from gluing the butterflies on: burnt fingers, two thumbs, a spot on my wrist, and, sadly, the pad of my  right foot from dripping glue. But honestly I really enjoyed the project without the time commitment feeling too laborious. And thus the product that hangs above the changing table in the nursery:

Fun projects. More simple home improvement. And time well spent. =D

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Born from the Sometimes

Sometimes you just need to cry.
Palm on your forehead,
Face buried in your blanket,
Laying alone in your bed.

Sometimes you just need to stare off.
Disappointment not taking on words,
Fuzzing out of reality,
The bassinet still empty.

Sometimes you just need to lay quietly.
Drowning out the unwanted commentary,
“Helpful” others due date predictions,
Filtering out prying stares.

Sometimes you just need to close your eyes.
That blurry burning in your eyelids,
Headache incurable,
Months of tension in your lower back and shoulders.

Sometimes you just need a moment.
Replaying hospital discharge words,
Medical assistant’s “common” classification rolling so easily from her tongue,
Lip quivering and that lump welling in the back of your throat.

Sometimes you just need to stop counting.
Fake progress’ painful contractions surmounting nothing,
Distance allowing the illusion of control,
Ripping up the latest record sheet.

Sometimes you just need the silence.
Just alone without expectation,
Letting down the game face,
Months of others’ Hallmark hope sayings falling from your mind.

Sometimes you just need to not know what you need.
Heart-ripping frustration rolling from your cheeks,
Not even understanding yourself,
Welcoming the isolation of pregnancy in the moment.

Sometimes you just need to hurt.
Months of sleeplessness and silent symptoms dealt with alone,
Patience statements from well-rested, comfortable others, 
Endless pain welling over the brim.

Sometimes you just need to cry.
Outpouring of honesty to a responseless audience,
Frozen in space and time,
A blender of misunderstood and brushed off.

Sometimes…

Then the sometimes ends,

And you go back to your normal,

Filing the sometimes in honesty and growing into a newness.

… A newness born from the sometimes. 

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Just Today

Well, I haven’t spoken much about Hannah’s pregnancy on here. It’s not because it hasn’t been exciting or because I haven’t enjoyed it. It is because I am now to the “rough it out” end.

Now thus far Hannah’s pregnancy end has not been as physically taxing as Abi’s last few weeks of pregnancy. Abi’s pregnancy came with pinched nerves, which I can say hands down were FAR more painfully consistent than anything I’m feeling today with Hannah.

I think the greatest challenge in Hannah’s pregnancy has been happening for a long time now. It’s the constant “You’re not going to make it to your due date,” comments from, honestly, the second trimester to now. I think people sincerely mean well in wanting to share in the pregnancy by adding in their opinion. It’s just hard to hear that repeated message over and over, have early labor symptoms arise (been doing these for 3 weeks) and have no progress.

It’s that kind of combination that puts a damper on the joy of getting out and washing all of Hannah’s newborn clothes. It puts a little tinge on packing a hospital bag for us both as well. See, it doesn’t make it feel like she’ll wait until her September 5th induction date when I am experiencing daily and hourly mild laboring symptoms. And while these symptoms could amp up at any time, in any place, unexpectedly, they could also just not. And it could just be like this for the next 3 weeks. It’s like showing a kid a picture of an ice cream Sunday and then saying, “I’ll give it to you later.” “But when?” “Later.”

Today I’m 36 weeks pregnant. One more week to go until she’s full-term.

Part of me is thrilled that she has not come with the first signs of pre-labor threats. And part of me wishes I could just hold her and have my body back.

I think about the sleepless nights and wish they were that way because I was caring for Hannah, not just trying to get out of bed because my lower back can’t take it anymore and I need to pee.

You know, I’ve been told so much “it’s all in God’s timing” usually from those well-rested, comfortable people who have lost touch with the hurts, annoyances, and anxieties of the last few weeks. I’m not trying to be a bitter person who finds nothing but complaints. I’m not trying to downplay the miracle growing within me. I’m just being honest and trying not to only “put on a happy face” when someone asks how things are going. There is a reality of the situation, not to downplay the miracle, but to come along with the entrance of the miracle. A waiting. And I’m not always patient. – As you can tell.

We have a Dr. appointment on Thursday morning. I’m hoping to learn of some progress from the 25-30+ Braxton contractions I’m now having daily. I’m also hoping to hear of even just the tiniest progress from the amped up lower abdomen pressure and pinches and pains added to the mix this week.

And if I hear of no progress, I’m going to learn further the lesson of waiting amidst the hurts for the promise to come.

That promise is so close I can almost taste it.

So close.

So close…

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