Without Holding Her

Little Hannah turns 3 months old tomorrow. Funny how the time flies and yet feels so slow in other moments. I continue to delight in her little fingers and toes… that “You’re my Mommy” smile… the running in place with excitement.

Miss Big’s been sleeping consistently through the night for 8-9.5hrs. It’s been six days now so I’m hoping this trend is here to stay. But with the trend of sleeping through the night, she still has yet to break her sleeping through the morning and the early afternoon phase. So with a few less moments of eyes at night, I actually find myself missing her more during the day. I’ve been encouraging her to sleep in her bouncer or a swing or her bed instead of in my arms since she was about a month old (I had to get my snuggling in before then. 😉

And while little Miss Sleepy is sure racking in the shut-eye, I’m hoping this “all day” sleeping is a closely fading phase… because I miss her. She slept down the hall in her bed two nights ago, cutting her bedtime about an hour earlier than usual, and leaving me awake without her nearby. Then she slept in her bouncer in the girls’ room while we did homeschooling the following morning. She looked so peaceful and I didn’t want to move her, risking waking her up. But I missed not glancing over at her every handful of minutes. Hearing her breathing so close.

Maybe it’s because I see Abi’s independence, creating the bittersweet reality of no longer having a hip-riding snuggler. Maybe it’s because I hear Rachael’s “don’t tickle me” moments, when she’d rather just be quiet and “alone”. That bittersweet reality that holding your babies changes with time and growth. And while Rachael enjoys for me to hold her with my words instead of my arms sometimes, I still love how she just wants snuggled while watching a movie or reading a book.

It’s in those thoughts that I find myself wondering back over to the bassinet just to look at her…

just to watch her breathing…

her precious face…

And I’m grateful that she’s still a hard sleeper…

who doesn’t wake when I just can’t stand being so close…

without holding her.

– Thankful, grateful and blessed.

December 4, 2012 0

It Caught Me

There was something in her stale eyes, dirt-clod mouth and blank expression that caught me.

One of those messages on facebook hit me this morning as I scrolled through my friends’ thanksgiving gratitude posts. You know, those “hit share if you feel some emotion” posts with someone’s story and a picture. Seeing so many of those things posted on my wall, I usually just breeze past them – maybe I’m just a victim of over-sharing. But I couldn’t scroll past this one. It hit me as such a stark contrast.

An eerie expression of a buried baby, with only her face uncovered. My stomach churned. [And thus is why I am choosing not to attach the story to this post.] A discomfort made me read the attached story below the picture. I was almost drawn to that painful terror, praying for the evidence of some hope in the storyline.

The story unfolded about an Egyptian father (self-proclaimed Muslim) who buried his two daughters (8 years old and an infant) alive beside his recently murdered wife whom he caught reading the Bible. The children reported, when discovered 15 days later, that “A man wearing shiny white clothes, with bleeding wounds in his hands, came every day to feed us.” Even explaining that the man woke up the children’s mother to nurse the baby. The eight year old identified the shining white man as Jesus on national television, broadcast to a predominantly Muslim nation.

While this story could be a testimony of Christ’s miracle, the repetitive image of a discarded life was etched into my mind. The horror of it all. Those stale eyes, dirt-clod mouth and that blank expression…

Maybe it’s because I see how easily she erupts in a radiant smile. Maybe it’s because I delight in her two month old coos. And the light in her eyes. Those wiggling arms and legs as she spots Matt and I coming near. Her delight. Her utter joy. And the beauty in her eyes…

And then to see this little one’s face… the distrust and broken pain in her listless figure.

I don’t need to watch horror movies, there is living horror all around us. People can do such terrible things to each other. Sin can sure corrupt in unimaginable ways. And while the depth of the pain, hurt and despair can feel endless, my heart yearns for the rescuing arms of Christ. I don’t ask to be rescued from witnessing the monstrosity in this world… no, but the depths of my soul groans and yearns for a rescuing Savior who marches into that brothel and grabs up His bride.

The inner needs for God’s justice for those who have been cast aside as unwanted and expendable…

“Oh that You would rend the heavens and come down (today), that the mountains would tremble before You! As when fire sets twigs ablaze and causes water to boil, come down to make Your name known to Your enemies and cause the nations to quake before You!” – Isaiah 64:1

*** I was informed by my dear aunt that this story in itself was reportedly untrue. While this certainly makes my heart feel better regarding the poor lives of two innocent children, the reality that things like this happen in the world of child abuse and sinful acts parents do to “the least of these” is very much true in this world. And while this picture may not have been attached to a true story, the picture of a child’s face being found buried in the ground is sadly more common than we may want to admit. Again, I am relieved that this story was not true, but cannot rest in the naivety that these kinds of stories do not exist. It’s just that these kinds of monstrosities tend to not be widely publicized, just as mass genocide is not easily found in history textbooks.

November 25, 2012 0

So Demanding! ;)

I went to a Le Leche League meeting with a friend Tuesday night. I can certainly see the value in asking questions should your kid be having some odd behavior or you have some nursing complications. I have been blessed by Hannah’s wonderful nursing skills (though we did have our hiccups too) and Abi’s past success, but I certainly don’t take them for granted (remembering the struggles with Rachael and ultimate weaning at 6 weeks).

But there also is a danger in sitting around in a group that won’t tell you “no.”

Please hear me through on this one…

Support is important. Support to excel and succeed can certainly help a Mom “go the distance” in the nursing world. But support is only healthy if the behavior supported is healthy.

I believe breastmilk is the best option for a baby – for certain. But I think the question moves from “best nutrition” to “overall health” when looking to wean a child. Biblically kids were weaned around three years old, but we must also take into account a child’s expectation and cultural skill level at three years old 2,000 years ago verses now.

I tend to fall on the side of babyhood and breastmilk falling together (if possible) while toddlerhood, when nutritional value is found in food over drink, and breastmilk should be a “weaning onto other things” policy. There has been a recent trend in “prolonged” or “extended” breastfeeding into preschool age.

First off, I begin to wonder what is fueling this need. Is it really the child or is it the parent projecting a need onto the child?

I sat beside a woman who was still nursing a child Rachael’s age (turning 4 years old this winter). Now while I am not making the family decisions for her household, I began to wonder if feeding a stubborn will and a perceived skin-to-skin need was indeed healthy. She herself acknowledged the nutritional need ending long ago and the need to establish boundaries.

I also sat across from a woman who in an effort “just to make her happy” was still getting up multiple times per night to nurse her co-sleeping toddler.

[Sidenote: A child is capable and healthily able to sleep through the night once they return to birth weight, though emotionally they may not be ready initially.]

I think it depends on how you view breastfeeding. Is it nutritional or attachment or both?

I’d venture to say in the beginning that it is both. I agree in wanting your child to be happy, but to what extreme do you do it?

It’s the same argument for the pacifier. Or the special blanket.

And I would argue that it is the parent’s job to make sure the habit is remaining healthy. See, when a child’s stubborn will is exerted over a parent, the habit’s not healthy. When “no” is not accepted characteristically, the habit is not healthy. And when a parent views a child’s needs as demand-oriented, drop-of-the-hat, child-controlled, the habit is not healthy.

I don’t think it’s my job to set a nursing age standard by any means, please understand. But I do call to question the evaluation and parenting method of demand-oriented comfort, regardless of the method.

See, I think there’s a sickness going around the parenting world that the child is the authority and ruler of the household or child-rearing. I think it’s the same sickness that drives parents to merely entertain verses interact. I think it’s the same sickness that sets a child up for even greater selfishness.

No one had to teach my kids to be selfish, we all came into this world with those resume skills. 😉 But instead it is the job of the parent to foster a child into “otherness” without fear of their own true needs being met. And it’s not the immature child that dictates the true needs. Oh, they can vocalize their wants all they desire… and they will. But we create an unsustainable world by demand-oriented parenting.

I’m not arguing to rip the special blanket from a child’s arms by any means
(and I was a blanket kid – and still do love my adult blanket and pillow’s feel of normalcy). But I am arguing the need for constant evaluation as to a habit’s transition from nurturing to defiance or dependence.

What do you think?

Feel free to share in the comment section.

November 15, 2012 0

Still on the Playlist

I had a conversation with a dear friend, …oh it must have been a few weeks ago by now. The girls were all sleeping, my friend’s kids were knocked out as well, and we enjoyed the quiet households giving us the opportunity to share in each others’ lives.

I don’t even remember quite how we got onto the subject, but we blasted back to the very beginning of our marriages. I enjoyed learning about my dear friend’s transition from her Mother’s house to making a home of her own with her husband. And it was fun to take a walk down memory lane with her back to the old one-bedroom apartment that Matt and I stepped foot in after saying our ‘I do’s.

Well after the phone conversation ended, the memories swirled.

That broken bathtub drain clogged with a washcloth so I could do the mounds of dishes piled up, evidence of no dishwasher and a cutting-board sized counter space. Two full, full-time workers and then school and then internship. The late night hours waiting for Matt to return resulting in me falling asleep on the couch.

When we got married it was not in ignorance. We had seen divorces have their affects on families and kids. We were blessed to have also seen marriages, our parents, held together by Christ and prayer. We knew the statistical odds. We knew it’d be work. And we knew it’d be worth it.

But never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined it’d be this good.

Here 5 years later, rocking my youngest of three daughters, the praise of our Lord pours from my heart. Thanks be to the God of firm foundations. Thanks be to the God of uniting hearts. Thanks be to the God of hope and forgiveness. Thanks be to the God who has built our marriage on Him and Him alone.

I remember my roommate and best friend at the time putting together our wedding slideshow. She gathered together the old baby pictures of Matt and I, infusing two separate stories and sharing the years of memories captured in the hearts of our friends and families in attendance. She asked me to pick the background music. A few songs came to my mind that she easily found on my music playlist. Then by some near mistake, she came across the song. The song that captured the very heart of the commitment we were offering each other. “We Build” by Nicole Nordeman.

I wanted to share this song with you, but could only find it in terms of a past flood video so please enjoy the words and ignore the pictures for the purpose of this blog. 😉

“It’s bigger than we thought
It’s taller than it ought to be
This pile of rubble and ruins

The neighbors must talk
It’s the worst yard on the block
Just branches and boards where walls stood

Did it seem to you
Like the storm just knew
We weren’t quite finished with the roof
When it started?

So we build
We build
We clear away what was and make room for what will be
If you hold the nails, I’ll take the hammer
I’ll hold it still, if you’ll climb the ladder
If you will, then I will, build

On any given day
We could simply walk away
And let someone else hold the pieces

The lie that we tell
Says it’s better somewhere else
As if love flies south when it freezes

What I’m trying to say
In some clumsy way
Is that it’s you and only you for always

What I’m trying to say
In some clumsy way
Is that its you and only you, not just for now, not just today
But its you and only you for always

So If you hold the nails, I’ll take the hammer
I’ll hold it still, if you’ll climb the ladder
If you will, then I will, build“

“We Build” speaks of emerging from the tragic moments, the tougher trials and challenges and choosing to build. Matt and I don’t have a pessimistic view of our marriage, but we do know there will always be trials and challenges and circumstances outside of our ability to rise from.

But instead of accepting the lie that “it’s better somewhere else” we must choose to build… together.

It’s that security of choosing the mindset that “it’s you and only you, for always”. When you start there the choice is to build now or have a harder time building later. But not building is not a choice.

Matthew, I love building beside you and with you. I am blessed beyond measure at the graciousness you extend to me through Christ. Thank you for teaching me with a humble heart how to build. Thank you, Lord, for breathing your truth into our marriage. Please, Lord, help us and hold us together because it’s so easy to be “prone to wander” when we look to ourselves to keep this marriage healthy.

I wish I could convey to you the reassurance I see in his eyes. It’s something that just can’t be put into words unless you have felt that kind of commitment. So many walk into relationships with a “hope this works out” mentality. And I must tell you that not one day of our marriage have I ever, nor will I ever, fear Matthew leaving me for “something else” or “someone else.”

So many times this confidence has been laughed at as naivety or immaturity. But I find it quite the opposite. I know that Matt’s soul is the Lord’s. His commitment to me is through his level of commitment to Jesus. For it is through Christ that he is even able to offer me a lifelong commitment. And just as it is a daily denying of self for the cause of Christ, Matt has chosen to daily work on our marriage. (And I likewise).

Sometimes daily working on our marriage looks like ignoring my flaws. Sometimes it looks like grace. Sometimes it looks like holding me accountable… even when I don’t want to hear it. Sometimes it looks like sitting next to me, holding my hand and not asking me to talk. But it always looks like, no matter what the day has held for us, it always looks like snuggling each other before we fall asleep.

See, no matter how flawed and frustrated and annoyed and selfish we have been, we have chosen our “for always” here on earth to be together. It’s not a commitment that can be changed by circumstance. It was decided once … until death. And it’s that commitment that keeps us coming back to apologize. We can joke, because otherwise the next 90 years are going to be mighty quiet and frustrating if we don’t apologize now. 😉

It’s hard for me to put into words. It’s hard for me to convey my appreciation, adoration and confidence in my husband’s heart. He chose our marriage in his mind. And he is one stubborn man. 😉

And I’m so blessed… so very blessed to build with him… no matter what.

– we build.

November 1, 2012 0