Category: faith

When the Answer is ‘No’

I’m not even sure where to start these swirling thoughts. It’s a lot to still take in.

I got a phone call a few months ago and we all celebrated quietly. We didn’t want to the news to slip out, but we were joyful at the life conceived after a hard run.

My dear sister in law had already lost three, two in a row and the most recent’s surgery still fresh on our minds. And then the news came. And we rejoiced quietly, so as not to announce anything before passing that first trimester window.

Things were trucking along, with understandable conversations of laying anxiety at Christ’s feet. For those of you whom have ever miscarried, you know that passing the last miscarriage date feels more secure… it’s like a deep breath can happen more freely.

And with the close of the first trimester, we were excited to see our prayers being answered favorably. Thanks be to the Giver of life who knits our very fragile selves together in the dark, quiet comforts of our Moms.

Then all at once she felt something was wrong. She told me of the multiple attempts from nurses and even the doctor to find little one’s heartbeat. I remembered that drop in the pit of my stomach when the same thing happened to me. She knew the baby was gone.

With another surgery scheduled, the healing phase begins again. Only this time with the hurt of having more children in heaven than here. We’re left with the ‘why’s to lay at His feet. And why four? The hurts. And the questions that we fight to keep from eating away at our sanity. Faith  is not shaken, but hurt is inevitable. Loss. The grief season.

So what are you supposed to do when the answer is ‘no’?

Again.

You hug each other
and hold each other
you come over to distract
and bring dinner
You pass off the baby when she needs snuggle therapy
And keep the baby quiet when she needs to forget
You listen
and listen
and listen some more

You hurt with her hurts
And cry with her crying
And you laugh with her laughs
because life still has joy
You go for walks
and drives
and celebrate what He has given her
with an arm around her at what has been taken away

And you both stand in the hope of Christ
a Hope that heals the soul

a Hope that breathes peace into the mind
and calm into the depths of the pain

a Hope that offers Life
when death seems to surround us

He is that Hope
and that Perfect friend

And so you just pray Him over her

because He is everything she could ever need…

… to heal.

… and to thrive through this storm.

– Love her so.

– to God be the glory. Forever. And Ever.

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Final Goodbye

From an email sent to my Sunday School class about Grandpa Stauffer:

“Grandpa Stauffer began heavenly walking with Jesus this morning at 6am. He shed this world and stepped into the second chapter of his life without pain or distress, but peacefully in his sleep. We’re all taking comfort in the hope that he is now standing on two legs [he previously had one amputated] and meeting his Savior face to face. We’re also hopeful that he’ll get to dance with his earthly bride again.

While the transition hurts for those of us left behind, the hope in Christ is more than enough to grant a supernatural peace about the whole situation. Barb and Rodger both woke up this morning around 5am feeling that something was different. Rodger later shared that he had a dream that he and Barb were standing in the house with Grandpa and everyone was at peace.

Please, if you do not mind, pray that the Hope we have in Christ is able to bring family members into a stronger desire for Jesus as memorial service plans, phone calls, and travels to Michigan naturally bring up conversations about eternity. Grandpa Stauffer’s wishes to be cremated and buried next to his beautiful bride will be carried out at the small grave-side service in early October.

Thank you again for your love and prayers.

And again, it cannot be stressed enough, that the hope of Christ makes this whole situation saturate our faith in a new level of New Jerusalem focus.

One day every knee shall bow… just some get the privilege to kneel before the rest of us.”

– We know you are resting in peace, Grandpa Stauffer. And we’re also so thankful that you are resting in true Joy. You are so loved and already are missed.

– To God be the glory. 

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Another Addition to the Fam.

Before Matt and I had kids, we decided it would be a priority in our household to sponsor children in poverty-stricken countries and situations “overseas”. We decided that our family would add one additional sponsored child per biological (or adopted) child in our household. We figure if we can afford to add on a child to our mix, we should make it a priority to afford a $30/month sponsorship as well. God has blessed us beyond measure and we trust He will continue to enable us to glorify Him, even if things get tight. Priorities require sacrifices, but some sacrifices are so right they feel like breathing.

With that being said, we first picked our Lidia back when Rachael was a baby. Sweet Lidia was the youngest child available that day when we walked into a local Family Christian bookstore and checked out their “World Vision” sponsorship rack. Sweet Lidia was just a petite little almost two year old (who looked more like a new one year old) when we first sponsored her and is now a thriving five year old starting school this year.

When Abi was born we discussed another sponsorship child. Our dear Tofic fell into our laps when the youth group was no longer able to provide funds to upkeep the little guy’s needs. So we joyously took on our dear Tofic in Abi’s honor. Tofic is currently an active seven year old (his birthday was 8 days ago) enjoying his second year of schooling. We love the hand-drawn pictures he sends us.

Lidia and Tofic are precious in our family as we learn about their loves, lives and families. We have clocks hanging on the wall to remind us of their real-life times and schedules. We pray for them at meals and talk about them during the day. They are two sweet kiddos who have just been  dealt a hard hand and we are so beyond blessed to come alongside of their families and their communities to help them “learn how to fish” in a desolate place.

So with the addition of Hannah to our family on the horizon, Matt and I took the girls back to the bookstore to the familiar World Vision rack. We studied the faces, learned new name pronunciations and worked together to pick out Hannah’s sponsor child.

It was a given when we came across her. Valentina from Colombia. She’s a cute little two year old with a birthday split between Rachael and Abi. The sweet thing is the only child of a single mom, for whatever reason, who is doing everything she can in upholding a daily wage earning job to try to provide for herself and her little girl. Valentina is growing up in a poor community in Colombia. World Vision just recently expanded their efforts in Colombia to come alongside struggling families after a devastating earthquake.

While we still have much to learn about Valentina and anxiously await our packet of information about her that we will be getting in the next few weeks in the mail, it was so neat to watch Rachael’s excitement and curiosity about this precious life. And our dear Abi clung to Valentina’s brochure with joy. We read and reread the few paragraphs we have about her before bed that night and since then.

It’s such a blessing to watch our children’s eyes slowly opened to the precious opportunity we have to love on children in the name of Jesus that we may never meet.

So welcome to the crew, Valentina. Rachael wants you to know that she loves you very much.

*** This post is in no way to bring glory to us, but to give it to God in thanks for the privilege of bringing Him glory in our daily lives.

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Just Today

Well, I haven’t spoken much about Hannah’s pregnancy on here. It’s not because it hasn’t been exciting or because I haven’t enjoyed it. It is because I am now to the “rough it out” end.

Now thus far Hannah’s pregnancy end has not been as physically taxing as Abi’s last few weeks of pregnancy. Abi’s pregnancy came with pinched nerves, which I can say hands down were FAR more painfully consistent than anything I’m feeling today with Hannah.

I think the greatest challenge in Hannah’s pregnancy has been happening for a long time now. It’s the constant “You’re not going to make it to your due date,” comments from, honestly, the second trimester to now. I think people sincerely mean well in wanting to share in the pregnancy by adding in their opinion. It’s just hard to hear that repeated message over and over, have early labor symptoms arise (been doing these for 3 weeks) and have no progress.

It’s that kind of combination that puts a damper on the joy of getting out and washing all of Hannah’s newborn clothes. It puts a little tinge on packing a hospital bag for us both as well. See, it doesn’t make it feel like she’ll wait until her September 5th induction date when I am experiencing daily and hourly mild laboring symptoms. And while these symptoms could amp up at any time, in any place, unexpectedly, they could also just not. And it could just be like this for the next 3 weeks. It’s like showing a kid a picture of an ice cream Sunday and then saying, “I’ll give it to you later.” “But when?” “Later.”

Today I’m 36 weeks pregnant. One more week to go until she’s full-term.

Part of me is thrilled that she has not come with the first signs of pre-labor threats. And part of me wishes I could just hold her and have my body back.

I think about the sleepless nights and wish they were that way because I was caring for Hannah, not just trying to get out of bed because my lower back can’t take it anymore and I need to pee.

You know, I’ve been told so much “it’s all in God’s timing” usually from those well-rested, comfortable people who have lost touch with the hurts, annoyances, and anxieties of the last few weeks. I’m not trying to be a bitter person who finds nothing but complaints. I’m not trying to downplay the miracle growing within me. I’m just being honest and trying not to only “put on a happy face” when someone asks how things are going. There is a reality of the situation, not to downplay the miracle, but to come along with the entrance of the miracle. A waiting. And I’m not always patient. – As you can tell.

We have a Dr. appointment on Thursday morning. I’m hoping to learn of some progress from the 25-30+ Braxton contractions I’m now having daily. I’m also hoping to hear of even just the tiniest progress from the amped up lower abdomen pressure and pinches and pains added to the mix this week.

And if I hear of no progress, I’m going to learn further the lesson of waiting amidst the hurts for the promise to come.

That promise is so close I can almost taste it.

So close.

So close…

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For Another Day…

” I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. 
I believe in love even when I cannot feel it.
I believe in God even when He is silent.” 
– written on a wall during the Holocaust –

If there is anything I have learned time and time again in this world, it’s that there are so many questions without answers, so many hurts without visible justice, so many tears in what can feel like silence.

But when I open the Word of God, His love compels me toward faith. His consistency. His unchanging forgiveness. His character proves and has proven ore and ore that His promises remain.

When it feels hard, uncomfortable, and things here in this world hurt, our hope is found in Christ alone. And all we need to do to remind ourselves of the Hope in Christ is open the Word to Revelation. He wins. Justice takes it’s final judgement. And there are no more hurts, tears, pains and sins causing all those.

He wins.

So keep holding on for another day… cause that’s what it means to live by faith.

– Reminded lately.

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