Category: God’s heart

To Take the Bag Home…

I’d like to take the bag home. I saw a woman leaving with the bag. Her smile was big, “the scary window” had passed. Life alive inside.

I’d like to take the bag home, the one filled with hope, life, and joy. Bustling to the brim with “new pregnancy” freebies. And the Dr.’s water bottle. Even the little urine sample cup.

I’ve been praying to take the bag home, this time. I know You hear my prayers. The bag matters to You. It matters to me. It even mattered before.

I’d like to take the bag home, God, if it could please be in Your will. Last time it was left on the chair. She was gone. The bag was unneeded… nonfunctional without her heartbeat.

I’d really like to take the bag home, the first trimester accomplished. And tell of the good news to more than just a handful. Celebrating life as You create and prefect.

I’m praying to take the bag home, this time, Lord. Thank You for hearing my prayers. Thank You for the peace You bring, the comfort within, that in Your arms I can securely ask

to take the bag home.

* written February 8, 2012

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57 Dollars of Silence

There is danger in believing that we deserve something. There is danger in elevating ourselves and puffing ourselves up to “deserve better than this” or “deserve” an ice cream or a long walk on the beach. We can begin to set ourselves up for not only a superiority complex with others who are “depriving us” of the things we “deserve”, but we can also begin to look upon our current situation as the enemy. If I deserve an ice cream, then not getting an ice cream or worse yet, being deprived of an ice cream is absolutely unacceptable. Can you imagine the level of selfishness that could come out of an “I deserve” lifestyle?

Sometimes I slip dangerously close to justifying “I deserves” in my mind. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there. I think that’s one of the reasons God makes it so clear that we must serve Him with our minds as well as our hearts, bodies and souls. Our mind is an outpouring of our heart. You harness in what your heart believes and shut out the untruth that pops into your mind when it is in conflict with your heart… the very heart Christ redeemed.

Breaks can be that way, as a mother. They can be highly appreciated when happened upon, or I can choose to live my life in discontentment of “never getting a break” from my fill in the blank (kids, laundry, dishes, cleaning up cat puke, you name it). I can look at a break with gratitude as it arises and as I am able to incorporate it into my schedule or I can live a lifestyle of exhaustion and loathing getting the “short end of the deal” by being “on-call” 24/7.

It’s all an exercise of the mind. What truth and untruth am I clinging to?

I found a quiet moment out tonight, pumping $56 dollars of lifesavings into our van.  😉 The cold, quiet breeze refreshing my soul. The dark, wearing down minutes of eight thirty dancing headlights and neon fast food restaurants across the horizon. Winter dark freezing time, stilling time. The pulsing click of the pump as the numbers turned and turned before the receipt was printed. Still. Quiet. Breathing deep.

The wait I didn’t mind. No where to be. No demands. Liberty. The teenager asked for my order as I pulled a ten from my wallet. The last of my allowance money for the month felt so freeing in my hand. One dollar ice cream cone of cheap and liberating delight. Sunday driving on the way home, soaking up the wind rustling the van windows and watching the neighborhood settle in for the night.

I don’t deserve this. I didn’t earn this. It has been given me. The enjoyment of life. The fast and the slow. The loud making an appreciation and a soaking in of the quiet. The quiet refreshing for the loud.

Thank you, Lord, for the break. Unplanned escape.
The 57 dollars of silence.

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A Willing Servant.

In reading through Matthew and working through our recent Sunday School apologetics series, God has taught me all kinds of things. One thing in particular that has popped up again today in my devotion reading is the following:

Many times throughout the Gospels, Jesus tells a newly-healed person not to spread news of their healing or a demon not to announce that Jesus is the Son of God.

At first in my study I used to think this was just Jesus’ humility. What a humble God-man, I used to think and move on in my reading.

Then as I thought deeper about it, I thought maybe Jesus’ ministry would have been cut short quicker if more people knew He was God at a faster rate. Maybe He’d be kept out of cities and it would have been more difficult to preach to the masses. Maybe He would have been crucified sooner, and less would have had the opportunity to hear first-hand the Good News.

And then in my Sunday School class it hit me for the first time, maybe it was none of those reasons, but that they would not have crucified Jesus if they knew for sure that He was God. The goal of Christ was what? Salvation to all who would believe (the Jew first and also the Gentiles). Would they really have crucified their Obviously Announced Messiah? What did Israel believe? Jesus was coming as a conquerer, not as a servant. So if Christ was announced as a conquerer, even the demons shrank back from His presence, I’m not thinking they’d be so quick to crucify and instead they’d be quick to enthrone Him and finally “beat” their enemies.

Just kind of interesting to think of Christ asking to remain quiet about His Deity early in His ministry (though He made it quite clear in parables and at the end of His ministry that He was indeed God) so that He would be crucified!

Kind of puts a humble spin on Christ accepting and willingly going to the cross for our salvation.

– just some thoughts.

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Who’s control is in Control?

You know, I just wanted to take a moment to bring up the interesting conversation/battle of birth control into the topic ring.

I have many times heard the birth control method argued by Christians to be “responsible” and “enabling you to control when you have a kid to best care for the child.” I have also heard the conservative approach, and even “excessively” conservative approach argued that “we’ll take whatever the Lord gives us.”

I find this conversation interesting in terms of the Duggar’s new announcement that they are pregnant with their 20th child. So many feel challenged by that information and often throw in their two cents of, “those people are ridiculous” judgement. I could easily find myself in that camp when my kids are obnoxious. I could also find myself in the “test of faith” camp wondering how many other feminist thoughts we are going to try to justify by the Word because the thought of not controlling our family feels uncomfortable and we want to feel justified with our level of control.

Matt and I have had this conversation many times and probably will continue to have this conversation as we continue to surrender our family to the Lord. I agree with him that birth control, whether it be abstaining during your ovulation cycle or a non-abort-effasive method, in many instances can be very responsible. I think it can also be very wrong. I think it boils down to the heart, which is what the Word seems to bring me back to.

Am I saying, “no, I don’t want You plan over my own,” to the very one I call Lord? Am I saying, “it’s not convenient,” and viewing children as the “burden” that first began the feminist movement of birth control? Is my heart in line with what God says about kids? Is my mind with Christ’s on valuing and delighting in children? And does not being on birth control really mean that I’m going to end up with 30 kids? What about Hannah? Or those in the Bible that were barren? Or those in the Bible that only had a handful of kids?

Or am I using my “faith” in God’s plan as a cop-out? Am I being irresponsible in ignoring the things we so clearly know about women’s bodies and how and when contraception is at it’s most harvest-filled time? Am I being selfish in wanting a particular number of kids and controlling in being non-controlling?

The battle is in the heart. And the surrender, on either side of the argument, is in the heart. But what I do know is that God calls us to self-sacrifice. His Will in exchange for our will. And His Will stretches us and is not comfortable because it defies our fleshly nature. His Will challenges and grows us. And while we can still be Christians and still be controlling, I just know one thing… the Judge looks at the heart to determine who is and who is not sacrificing in worship and evidence of their faith.

Paul states it this way in the Word, that all things are permissible for us, but not all things are good (or beneficial). It is important to weigh out the consequences of either side of this “birth control” argument and surrender our families fully to the Lord. For He even said, “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46).

We need to be certain His motives are ours in all things, the make-up of our family included.

– to God be the Glory.

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More of Jesus

You know, I was thinking today about what it will be like to be nearest to Jesus. I can’t possibly fathom what it will be like to see Him for the first time. And quiet honestly, just thinking about it makes me miss Him so much.

Do you get like that? Where you think about how awesome Jesus is and just want to find yourself wrapped up in His arms? It’s not that your family isn’t wonderful. You’re not in some pity-me moment. And it’s not a self-loathing moment either. Your day is good, maybe even great, and you just miss Jesus. He hasn’t gone anywhere, but something deep inside… something that can’t be satisfied just wants to run into His arms.

Something inside you wants to stay in His arms and catch up on the ‘remember when’s of this journey. You just want to snuggle in deep and hear Him breathing. You just want to feel His embrace – you know that has to feel amazing.

God is no less real on this side of the New Jerusalem. God is no less present and no less enough than He is. The I AM is still the I AM. And there are days that I wish I could just hug Him. No one has been closer to me than Jesus. And no one ever will be.

The closest thing I can think of how my face will be is comparable to this little girl’s face when she looks up from her classroom work to see her Daddy standing there, newly returned home from the war.

http://www.godvine.com/Daddy-Gives-his-Daughter-a-Heartwarming-Surprise-at-School-764.html

With tears in my eyes I can say that yes… Jesus is well worth it.

-Keeping my eyes on the Prize.

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To be Onesimus for God.

I’ve been to a few youth conventions in my life. You know, those mass-packed stadiums of exhortation and challenge. I’ve been to my fair share as a youth and then a good handful as a youth chaperon in college and then as a “youth pastor’s wife” here on this side of life.

I’ve found over my years that the music has changed from being familiar singalongs to I-have-no-idea-who-that-guy-is songs. I’m sure, friends, that as the music has changed so have I.

Those wonderful youth conventions turned from just-right music to did-you-bring-the-cotton-balls music. Again, friends, I did the changing. And while some youth conventions end with outlandishly entertainment-only speakers, I have heard my share of good challenges and, what we “old people” of the faith call “charges” at revival-type settings.

In my quiet-time reading yesterday I felt the desire to check out Philemon again. Good old Philemon; wronged by his disobedient slave who stole from him and ran off (Sentencing the slave with a punishment of death according to Rome should he be found). Poor Christian Philemon…. now what? And then this letter arrives from a dear friend, mentor, and brother-in-Christ, Paul. And the letter says what? The slave is now a Christian and is the bearer of the letter? Now what should you do, Philemon? When put at the crossroads of trial, what should be the response?

The Bible never tells us. Thanks! Good suspense novel missing the last chapter! But again, you know how I like those unsettled-in-the-middle stories.

Only my heart shifts instead to the slave: Onesimus. Onesimus is translated to mean “useful”. Paul and his witty self using the play on words that Onesimus is no longer useless, but instead in Christ is useful. Nerd joke alert! Gotta love that Paul.

And yet the term sticks. Am I Onesimus for the Kingdom? That is, am I useful for the Kingdom?

Each day we have an opportunity. I hope to seize that opportunity today. Not that my record could be cleaned or my name looked better upon, but that I would be proof that only Christ can do the changes that are inside of me. Just like Onesimus.

And one more thing, what if God calls you not to the exciting missions field where you get to witness first-hand the Kingdom work, but instead right on back to where you were running away from? Is He any less God? Is that cause to return to uselessness?

– just some thoughts today.
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