I Can’t Go Back.

Orphan Summit 2011 was wonderful, overwhelming, and inspiring. Much unlike the familiar guilt-trip driven orphan care seen in infomercial ads, the Summit focused on the hope and compassion God stirs within His people for orphans and the poor. The Summit focused on being compelled to reach out and serve and love and provide for orphans because we were once orphans adopted by God and now are called His family. I could fill this blog with hours of information and emotions and out-pouring from the two days of heartfelt encouragement and empowerment for the Body of Christ to go forth and fulfill God’s commands to care for the needy. So instead of hitting you with it all today, I plan on sharing with you and anyone else I meet for the rest of my life. When God’s called receive His instructions, we are compelled to run to the labor with full abandonment. Or another way to say it, in quotation of Sara Groves: “I saw what I saw and I can’t deny it. I heard what I heard and I can’t go back. I know what I know and there’s no substitution. Something on the road, cut me to the soul. Your pain has changed me. Your dreams inspire. Your face a memory. Your hope a fire. Your courage asks me what I’m afraid of …and what I know of love…”

Matt and I are left in a place of prayer. We know we are called to adopt. We don’t know where. We don’t know how. We don’t know when. We don’t know who. But all we know is that we must find out. And we’re not interested in merely a humanitarian act – we just want to obey Jesus. So we’re praying hard and asking our friends and family to come alongside of us and pray with us.

The pivotal moment in the weekend for me was sitting down to the provided lunch, while waiting to bag some food to send to those dying of starvation far across the world. Matt and I had come with every expectation to work throughout our lunch process, shoveling down lunch quickly to allow for more time. Jesus compelled me but a statistic resounded in my head, “2 people for 2 hours of labor in bagging food equals 1 child’s year worth of food supply.” We were planning to fill small bags approximately the size of two stationary envelopes with a highly concentrated rice, mineral, and powdered protein formula. I ate my lunch quietly, listening to the “background” music that blared loudly beside me from computer speakers. It was an African children’s choir, singing Revelation song (the one Kari Jobe released). And in that moment God taught my heart in a very real way – these voices were singing straight scripture: “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God, Almighty Who was and is and is to come. With all creation I sing, praise to the King of Kings…”

It blew me away that from merely me taking time to fill a bag of food, there could be a brother or sister in Christ standing beside me in the new Jerusalem that would have otherwise not been there. In that moment, and in each moment thereafter, it had nothing to do with me helping someone and everything to do with my obedience to God’s commands. God’s command to go and to make disciples, God’s command to take care of the poor and needy, God’s command to do unto the least of these, God’s command to provide for the widow and the orphan… it all flooded through my mind- obedience felt that much more critical. I don’t have to sell all my possessions and move to a third world country, but my obedience is directly tied to what I do today to obey the Lord. My obedience is directly tied to how I serve the least of these today, from the comforts of my home, from the way I teach my kids about God’s heart, from the way I help structure our family values and our family goals, from the way I use my money, from the next conversation I have…. TODAY – not tomorrow or some futuristic goal of later having more funds or time or devotion. Today!

I can’t possibly describe to you how my heart feels or what it feels like to have God pull the blinders off to His heart for the poor and the needy. I can’t possibly begin to put into words how much more than smiling at a homeless man or volunteering once a year at a food bank or how much more than doing a 30 hour famine awareness once a year with the youth it is to have God’s heart regarding the poor. But brothers and sisters in Christ, it is our responsibility to pass on to our children that “to much is given, much is expected”. It is our responsibility to pour ourselves out that one more may come to know God in His abundant love and provision for our souls.

The world is filled with one “I can’t” after another. But what I have found regarding the poor and the needy and the orphan is that a family, regardless of financial status, who has a heart for the orphan and the widow and the needy will pour themselves out through prayer, conversations, collecting spare change, awareness, walking alongside missionaries in their endeavors to blog about God’s work around the world, creative fundraisers, and doing everything they can to keep open eyes and gain a more Godly worldview so that through that family our Lord will be glorified. And Matt and I desperately want our family to have an accurate worldview, that God’s heart would compel us and direct our steps to bring Him the most glory possible.

It just all boils down to this… In Christ there are 2 kinds of Christians: those that merely receive Christ and those that become saints. I’m not talking some weirdo “check me out, I rock” title. I’m talking about those that have jewels on their throwing-at-Jesus’-feet-crowns and have sold themselves out for the utter and complete Glory of God and God alone. And I agree (once again with Sara Groves) that “when the saints go marching in, I want to be one of them.” When I stand before Jesus I am going to have so much to say regarding my lackings, but I want to also be able to cling to Him and say, “Jesus, I tried so hard – even though I failed in so many ways- I poured myself out because I wanted so much of You and I wanted to make so much of You.”

– that is if I’ll be able to speak at all.

(praying and thinking and longing)

A Grateful Perspective

My husband and I had a conversation tonight about the art of living on a budget. I call it an art because it really can be a challenge to live within your means while still feeling the reality of the utter luxury we have in our “means.” It’s so easy to lose oneself in the “new fads” of today. My kid needs the newest of this. My wardrobe is not complete without the newest of that… Now don’t get me wrong a little spoiling is not a problem, but it’s important to live within our means.

Living within your means is not popular. Look at the government for example (no, I really won’t go there). Commercials fail when we live within our means. Fad fashions fail when we live within our means. Extra storage space fails when we live within our means. And Spring cleaning gets easier when we live within our means.

But for some reason living within our means has become a synonym of the word poor. It’s like choosing not to have credit card debt is a lifestyle of the past – everyone is just getting by on the minimum payments, John, get with the program here. It’s like going out to get an ice cream cone as a family is no longer spoiling, but an expectation. I sincerely hope and pray that a gift or a random spoiling is not normally considered an expectation in the eyes of my children. They have no right to spoilings – and it’s not because I’d rather be selfish and keep the extras for myself. But it is out of the same sincere love for my kids that I give and I choose not to give.

There is such danger in raising a kid that expects overabundance. I’m not talking about expecting food and clothing and shelter and the basics – I certainly hope Rachael and Abi expect, and even beyond that, trust that all that they need will be provided for them by Matt and I – And really where the credit is due: God. But I believe the value in gratefulness is portrayed in not getting everything you want. When you don’t have all the new trends you are given the opportunity to value what you do have. I’m not saying we’re planning on intentionally depriving our kids, but I am saying that need and want are two different things that God is entrusting us to teach our kids (as we learn ourselves at times. [clears throat]).

Growing up not once did I doubt my parents’ love for me. Not once did I doubt their dedication in raising my sister and I to value and appreciate and respect and have self-control about things. Sure I wanted stuff I didn’t get. Sure I wasn’t wearing the coolest clothes. Sure we didn’t have the newest toys. And I don’t regret that. I don’t feel a loss in my childhood. Yes, my sister and I were teased – what kid out there wasn’t teased? My sis and I didn’t look like slobs. But we also didn’t buy our clothes from a designer shop. My mother was frugal and she still is darn good at being frugal without looking poor. (Holla, Mom!) Thrift store shopping is an art, not just a fun hobby. I mean come on, if you can enter a thrift store and leave with a wardrobe that looks like you shopped at Kohls then you need some serious props given. (Again, Holla, Mom!)

Growing up I remember having the cousin who “had everything.” Now I know quite well that they didn’t really have everything, but it sure seemed like it. I remember how different it was to meet blessed people in my life and those that felt the need to make you feel jealous of their wealth. I remember thinking others spoiled and mean for their pride in having the newest and “best” things on the market. But I also remember going home to my familiar dolls and toys and enjoying hours of play without begrudging my parents for deprivation. I spent hours on end outside playing when I grew up and to this day I really can’t remember much of anything in particular that I played with out there. So whomever claims that stuff makes memories, I know that one’s a lie.

I’m not just some bitter poor kid. I just have been taught to find value beyond things. And I hope to teach that to my kids.

The youth group is getting ready to have their annual 30 hour famine again. It’s the time of the year when we intentionally look at other countries and the poorest of the poor through the eyes of Christ. We try our hardest to drop our spoiled natures and I-can’t-believe-I-don’t-have’s to see true need at it’s purest form. Talk about humbling, people! Every year God uses the 30 hour famine to blow me out of the water. Everything I thought I needed suddenly looks quite stupid. Everything I thought my kids needed suddenly pails in comparison to the utter raw need. Not once have I ever doubted that my kids would be able to eat or survive a common illness. And it’s not just for the sake of guilt that the 30 hour famine exists. What good is a 30 hour famine if it remains in a once per year category?

Life changes occur when we see our families in the real light.

We are among the riches people in this world if we own a car and live in a stable home and have food on the table and money to spend at a store and health care and… and… the list can go on and on. It’s not enough to merely smile at that fact – God calls to my heart, “How are you using that child?” It’s not enough just to sponsor some kid and think that cuts me off the hook. How am I teaching my kids to value? What am I teaching them to value? What am I teaching them about wants and needs? What am I allowing myself to think about wants and needs?

To much that is given, much is expected.

I used to think that when the Bible talked about that it was referring to just a spiritual gift. Or maybe even just those that are really wealthy. It was so much easier to exclude myself from that category and think of all my I-can’t-s and my if-only-we-had-more-money’s.

What a challenge to be conscious of the underlying messages I allow myself to receive through commercials. Or will I allow myself to live a life in which I’m so stuck in it’s-never-enough that I can’t move forward to I-have-plenty,-here-have-some!

Am I so stuck on me that I am forgetting my work here?

Rachael and Abi, when you grow up, I really hope you won’t look back and think “we never got everything we wanted” but instead think, “we got more than we needed.” And if ever you have some desire to parent your kids in a different way than I parented you, please just know in your hearts, that I tried so hard to show you Jesus – and yet I failed in so many ways.

May my next opportunity to teach gratefulness and perspective be a success.

– in Christ alone.

Accepting What Now?

I was reading Job yesterday. Chapter one: Job is introduced as a known, faithful, obedient and relentless follower of God. God offers Job to be tested by Satan. Job loses all his wealth, all his children are tragically killed, and his cattle are ransacked. Job’s wife is the sole survivor and when you meet her character in chapter 2 you may wonder why. Yet, Job still praises God. Chapter 2: God offers Job again and Job loses his health. Job’s wife “encourages” Job to just casually “curse God and die” – oh the picture of exhortation. Job’s response?

“Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” (ch.3, v.10)

Can we say heart-piercing?

mmm. Yowza!

How easy it is to complain. Ask anyone and I’m sure they could come up with a laundry list of frustrations in their little world. Hello? Could someone help me carry mine? And amidst my complaining I read the words, “Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?”

ZING!

You know it’s been a challenge to decipher the truth amid the lies we are whispered daily, sometimes nearly every minute. We’re given the opportunity to follow truth to our Lord or follow lies to a desert-wandering path. And when we find ourselves out in left field, thanks to our apple-biting nature, we find the tumble weeds aren’t enough company to sustain (oh but we’re going to try first). And we need to prodigal it back to the Father with a list of apologies. But we have to first realize that the Father’s perceived “pig slop” would be better than the dust we stand in before we can find ourselves robed and at His welcome-home-party table.

You know, it’s so easy to get discouraged. Trials seem to constantly be hiring and for some reason we keep submitting our resumes, sometimes unknowingly.

Sometimes working out our salvation feels like a once-a-month shopping trip with the gimpy cart and a late-napping, fall-out expressing toddler. And it’s in those moments that I desperately beg and plead for the Father to remind me of His open-door policy because it’s so easy to feel like God’s a complaint box that never gets weeded through. But no matter how many times I get stage fright and feel overcome by the serpent’s whispering, I need to keep reminding myself that when that curtain comes down the only encore will belong to Jesus and Jesus ALONE!

– wrestling out this faith journey.

The Power of ‘No’

The predictable utterance of any toddler. The half-hearted response written across any teenager’s face at their parent’s exciting vacation plans. The programmed response of any adolescent when offered an “uncool” option. Yes, friends. I’m talking about the word, “NO.”

Such a small word with great power.

I’ve found that this word may not produce immediate smiles or high fives, but sometimes it’s the best response of honesty available.

God’s been teaching me a lot lately. As I type that sentence I wonder at the marvel that He would still teach me and take time to walk this road with me even as I stumble along in my toddling for truth moments.

“Where is your ministry?” is often thrown around in the Christian church.
“My ministry.”
“I just can’t find a place to serve.”

Pastor’s wives (and church staff wives), I have found, are either expected to run everything – the church MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group, Jr. High girl’s bible study, vacation bible school kindergarten 2 class, and raise 5 babies – 2 from Africa- while keeping the house cleaned and dinner on the table at 5pm. Or there’s the “does our Pastor have a wife?” staff wife that lives in her house and tries to keep from attending prayer meeting in her bathrobe.

Sure there are those staff wives that are able to find the beauty in balancing their crazy kids (who’s kids aren’t crazy), bake brownies for the next church social, and stick to only teaching their 3rd grade Sunday School class. But while we all aspire to be them we have our wonderful moments of feeling the fluctuating from the overbooked to the hermit.

And while my brain and heart digests the unspoken, yet felt, expectations or, for a kinder word, “desires” of a church Body on the Pastor’s wife/staff wife I find God walking in with a whole new life motto.

“Just say ‘no’.”

What God? Come again?

At some stages of life God is revealing to me that He just wants me here; folding the laundry while singing praises, picking up the talking hamster pet toy for the umpteenth time, changing one more diaper, and serving my husband where I am.

You know, maybe I create too much pressure on myself. Or maybe I am just trying to serve where I have in the past. But I am learning that sometimes the best thing I can do and the best glorifier of Jesus that I can be is the wife that: makes Godly goals with her family, gets up with the baby and rocks that new tooth out of hiding, prays for her husband and listens to his heart, tries to come up with new ways to surprise her husband with an ‘I love you’ note, joins in toddler dances with flailing arms and no reservation to ‘old school’ Sunday School songs, and prays ‘thank yous’ to Jesus for His marvelous works while scraping food off the dishes.

Matt has a lot on his shoulders and He needs to unload on His Savior. But am I ushering Him into the presence of God? Or am I heaping more onto the load because I failed to say ‘no’?

Someone will always ask me to do more. And I hope they never stop asking because it gives me opportunities to run to Jesus and say, “What about now? Did You want me to do this?” But there’s no shame in saying, “I agree. That ministry direction sounds great and is just what our church needs. I’ll pray for more workers alongside you and let you know if God is calling me to add more than prayer.”

He’s given me so much to be thankful for. And while I’m not to be self-serving and not to seek out the easiest road. I am reminded again and again that I will be standing at the throne of God in judgment (not Heaven or Hell. That question is sealed already.) . And though I will always have “I wish I would have done better” on my lips (if I can even talk), I want to say that I tried hard to serve and serve with my family. I want to say, I received your ministry in my life and ran hard.

So today I woke up stretching (and yawning) as my ministry awoke me over the baby monitor. My ministry filled the kitchen sink and sat by the washer. My ministry woke up for another dry morning and toddled to her little potty. And I kissed my ministry as he headed out the door for the office. And now I’m about to go clean out my ministry’s dirty littler box and then rescue my ministry from her torturous napping crib. Tomorrow, if the weather’s nice, my ministry could be sitting on the park bench watching her kids play too or standing on the side of the road asking for a hand-out.

Thank you, Lord, for the ministry you have given me.

Please continue to help me grow and mature more in serving my ministry as you expand and develop it.

I’m reminded of the praise Chorus:

Where you lead me, Lord, I will follow…
Where you lead me, Lord, I will go…

-to God be the glory.

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