Category: just me

Maybe…

Maybe it’s in pulling out the winter blankets for the girls’ beds.

Maybe it’s in realizing how much Rachael has learned in last year’s homeschooling as I flip through this year’s homeschooling outline.

Maybe it’s in the realization that Abi no longer fits pants I got out last month.

Maybe it’s in hearing her add “certainly” and “presumably” to her 3 year old vocabulary.

Maybe it’s in watching Hannah’s eyes now open daily and soaking in her world.

Maybe it’s in overhearing Abi use words, “it’s ridiculous!” instead of screaming every time she’s frustrated (evidence of growing self-control).

Maybe it’s in the realization that Rachael will be 4 years old in just a few months.

Maybe it’s in noticing Abi’s face elongating and planning for potty training in just a few weeks.

Maybe it’s in the realization that Hannah’s 5 weeks old already.

Maybe it’s in contemplating bunking the beds after Rachael’s birthday.

Maybe it’s in looking into the “new kid room” and wondering who will be joining us
… and when
… and feeling like it is so soon
… and that I need to redress the beds in there sooner than later.

Maybe it’s a combination of all these things, but today they all just feel so big… so old… so “growing like weeds”.

Rubbing my hand through Hannah’s soft red-tinted hair takes me back to Rachael’s newness
 … like it was just yesterday.

And then I see her, Ms. Long-legs, dancing down the hallway with Abi squealing and chasing her. Free and so alive.

– In the blink of an eye…


– Snuggling a little extra today.

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Born from the Sometimes

Sometimes you just need to cry.
Palm on your forehead,
Face buried in your blanket,
Laying alone in your bed.

Sometimes you just need to stare off.
Disappointment not taking on words,
Fuzzing out of reality,
The bassinet still empty.

Sometimes you just need to lay quietly.
Drowning out the unwanted commentary,
“Helpful” others due date predictions,
Filtering out prying stares.

Sometimes you just need to close your eyes.
That blurry burning in your eyelids,
Headache incurable,
Months of tension in your lower back and shoulders.

Sometimes you just need a moment.
Replaying hospital discharge words,
Medical assistant’s “common” classification rolling so easily from her tongue,
Lip quivering and that lump welling in the back of your throat.

Sometimes you just need to stop counting.
Fake progress’ painful contractions surmounting nothing,
Distance allowing the illusion of control,
Ripping up the latest record sheet.

Sometimes you just need the silence.
Just alone without expectation,
Letting down the game face,
Months of others’ Hallmark hope sayings falling from your mind.

Sometimes you just need to not know what you need.
Heart-ripping frustration rolling from your cheeks,
Not even understanding yourself,
Welcoming the isolation of pregnancy in the moment.

Sometimes you just need to hurt.
Months of sleeplessness and silent symptoms dealt with alone,
Patience statements from well-rested, comfortable others, 
Endless pain welling over the brim.

Sometimes you just need to cry.
Outpouring of honesty to a responseless audience,
Frozen in space and time,
A blender of misunderstood and brushed off.

Sometimes…

Then the sometimes ends,

And you go back to your normal,

Filing the sometimes in honesty and growing into a newness.

… A newness born from the sometimes. 

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Just Today

Well, I haven’t spoken much about Hannah’s pregnancy on here. It’s not because it hasn’t been exciting or because I haven’t enjoyed it. It is because I am now to the “rough it out” end.

Now thus far Hannah’s pregnancy end has not been as physically taxing as Abi’s last few weeks of pregnancy. Abi’s pregnancy came with pinched nerves, which I can say hands down were FAR more painfully consistent than anything I’m feeling today with Hannah.

I think the greatest challenge in Hannah’s pregnancy has been happening for a long time now. It’s the constant “You’re not going to make it to your due date,” comments from, honestly, the second trimester to now. I think people sincerely mean well in wanting to share in the pregnancy by adding in their opinion. It’s just hard to hear that repeated message over and over, have early labor symptoms arise (been doing these for 3 weeks) and have no progress.

It’s that kind of combination that puts a damper on the joy of getting out and washing all of Hannah’s newborn clothes. It puts a little tinge on packing a hospital bag for us both as well. See, it doesn’t make it feel like she’ll wait until her September 5th induction date when I am experiencing daily and hourly mild laboring symptoms. And while these symptoms could amp up at any time, in any place, unexpectedly, they could also just not. And it could just be like this for the next 3 weeks. It’s like showing a kid a picture of an ice cream Sunday and then saying, “I’ll give it to you later.” “But when?” “Later.”

Today I’m 36 weeks pregnant. One more week to go until she’s full-term.

Part of me is thrilled that she has not come with the first signs of pre-labor threats. And part of me wishes I could just hold her and have my body back.

I think about the sleepless nights and wish they were that way because I was caring for Hannah, not just trying to get out of bed because my lower back can’t take it anymore and I need to pee.

You know, I’ve been told so much “it’s all in God’s timing” usually from those well-rested, comfortable people who have lost touch with the hurts, annoyances, and anxieties of the last few weeks. I’m not trying to be a bitter person who finds nothing but complaints. I’m not trying to downplay the miracle growing within me. I’m just being honest and trying not to only “put on a happy face” when someone asks how things are going. There is a reality of the situation, not to downplay the miracle, but to come along with the entrance of the miracle. A waiting. And I’m not always patient. – As you can tell.

We have a Dr. appointment on Thursday morning. I’m hoping to learn of some progress from the 25-30+ Braxton contractions I’m now having daily. I’m also hoping to hear of even just the tiniest progress from the amped up lower abdomen pressure and pinches and pains added to the mix this week.

And if I hear of no progress, I’m going to learn further the lesson of waiting amidst the hurts for the promise to come.

That promise is so close I can almost taste it.

So close.

So close…

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The Joy of Financial Responsibility’s Accomplishment

I sent this email to my sister this morning and I just wanted to share it with you all over here too because it really makes me happy.

God has blessed us with our financial situation and the ability to stay afloat through good budgeting (even with some mistakes) so that I can stay at home to raise our two (almost three) girls. Along with choosing the budget and for me to stay home, comes gradual financial decisions and less of the “eggs all in one basket” whims. While the later method sounds foolish, there are some cases (like purchasing a vehicle) where “eggs all in one basket” is really the only choice.

One way to “cut back” and be more financially responsible in our spending has been to cloth diaper over disposable diapers. One helper of that decision has been Abi’s skin sensitivity, but another has been the obvious money saver.

I must confess, I have been slightly jealous of those with duel income or at least a greater nest egg that have been able to make the cloth diaper switch all at once, purchasing their whole stash in one big chunk of a withdrawal.

But the reality has been for us that the slower building of our stash and adjusting our stash method has been the piece by piece and most responsible approach for us.

This may not sound like too much of a sacrifice until you see the behind the scenes of that picture. Adding 1-4 diapers per month to get to a 3 day washing schedule for Abi and build our stash for a newborn has involved hours of research, trial/error, craigslist hopefuls and failures, waiting on 3 week difference international postage, and much strategy of mine and the girls’ allowance money over an eight month period.

That being said, I give you my email to my sis this morning and share with you my domestic joy:

“So I’m dorkily excited because my last shipment of cloth diapers came in today. I got 6 more. I have been slowly picking at adding cloth diapers to our stash for the last, seriously, EIGHT months and we finally have a full stash from birth to potty training. I’m SO EXCITED to no longer be looking at, sewing, altering, and fussing with cloth diapers to build up our stash. As it is our newbie baby stash has me washing every 2 days, for the 3month to 18 month phase I’ll be washing every 2-2.5 days and for the 18month plus phase I’ll be washing every 3 days. YAY! This just gives me a REALITY washing experience (cause washing daily is not on my agenda along with managing 3 kids/nursing/house work/wifehood/outside of our house ministry oh yeah and eating, breathing and sleeping).

So as I wash the “fresh from the factory” 6 diapers, adjust our diaper bins to fit our new diapers in, and settle into the new washing machine routine just know that this domestic-happy me is smiling…. big time.

And after next month’s allowance money spend on 3 wetbags (one for Hannah’s diaper bag [since Sundays/Wednesdays Abi and Hannah will be separate and I’d like a “catch the dirty diaper and lock out the smell” bag for each], one for the living room changing table [new baby = CONSTANT changes] and one for the nursery changing table), I will happily put the cloth diaper thoughts aside and just coast through diapering 2 kiddos. [Sure some of these things are not needed, but there also is a “convenience” factor of diapering two kids 2 years apart that plays into my success on minimal hours of sleep. – Just being real.]

On our registry there are still 3 covers/prefold sets for the 3m-18m phase that could be quite helpful to add to our stash as night diapers (prefolds/covers are the only thing we’ve found that can hold a HUGE amount of pee and not leak all over the bed while the child does aerobics in the night), but nothing we couldn’t live without. So it’s possible that in the future I may purchase 2-3 more diapers, but it’s just nice to sort of close the door on the “building our stash to actually work for our lifestyle” phase and move on. =D

If we were Mr. and Mrs. Moneybanks, we would have dropped the money all at once (up to $300 – and that’s on the cheap side!), but that’s not the case with us, so purchasing primarily 1-2 cloth diapers from overseas and waiting out the 3 week difference between purchase and receiving we have done… for eight months. And now…. YAY! We’re done! YAY!

The washer never sounded so good.

=)

– delighting in domesticity. ;)”

Our financial situation is really good due to my husband’s hard work and great budgeting. So please do not think for one minute that I am complaining or in any way feeling oppressed. We are blessed beyond belief to be able to sponsor two (soon to be three) World Vision kids as well as serve the Lord in many ways with our finances. I’m just happy to see the fruit of our budgeting coming to a close in the world of cloth diapering. =D

– Thanks for sharing in my joy. =)

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Wordless Wednesdays: Generations

When my Mom stayed up late to finish this for her little three year old’s birthday,
 Me (3 years old)

I wonder if she ever thought this would happen:
Rachael (2 years old)
Abi (2 years old)
– Because some things you just want to pass down.
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Country Frog Huntin’

One last story about our mini-vacation that I wanted to share with you:

We had many opportunities to take life at a simpler pace. So if you could take life at a simpler pace what would you do?

Frog catching, of course!!!

Matt set aside his morning devotions Bible on our walk back from the wooden bench swing to return to his childhood.

Despite nearly catching one poor, slimy victim (he grazed through Matt’s hand), our frog-hunting experience did not produce “a big one for the camera.”-

I’m sure my one-hit-wonder theme song “Water Serpent” didn’t aid in Matt’s catching success.  Oh you haven’t heard that wonderful song? You poor, deprived people. Well I’ll share the lyrics with you…

“Water serpent… coming to bite your face off.
Water serpent… out of the mud.
Water serpent… coming to bite your face off.
Water serpent… he’ll drink your blood.” 

Now do you see why Matt’s concentration could have been slightly off?

He’s still my hero regardless. 😉

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