Category: life thoughts

Not So WordLESS Wednesday…

This Wednesday I wanted to share a picture, but this one requires a few more words. So it’s a “Not so Wordless Wednesday” over in these parts, but next week I’ll return to the more wordLESS side.

This is copied from an email. I had debated whether or not to share this, but I decided to share this because I think God will reap the glory.

“Matt was cleaning out the bathroom today when he emerged with it on the way to the trash. “Suppose we can throw out your old pregnancy test?” He chuckled. I had forgotten I had held onto it from when we first learned we would be welcoming our third child to the household. “I guess that one came to fruition, huh?” I laughed back as he tossed it in the trash and returned to his cleaning. I remember choosing not to throw it away so quickly. Something about having miscarried Alivia before made me want to cling to the hope of getting to see the next baby’s ultrasound. It almost solidified more in my mind that even if we lost this baby, she was real. Alivia felt like such a haze of misfortune and I just wanted to hold onto something real. I could not protect the baby, no more than I could protect Alivia.

I remember coming home with the first set of sonogram pictures. Our little peanut-baby. And wondering if we’d ever get to a second set of pictures this time. I trusted God. He gives and takes away and makes the best of every situation – even the hurts. I put the pregnancy test back in the bathroom cabinet. It still showed positive.

The second set of pictures came at 12 weeks and it was like a breath of fresh air. But there also lay the reality and the sting of past loss. I chose to hold onto the pregnancy test. It still showed positive.

I could have thrown it away when I first felt Hannah move. She was clearly proof in herself that thus far God had chosen for us to keep the child. But I left it put just for a little while longer. It still showed positive.

And when we came home from the hospital holding our precious Hannah in our arms, the test got pushed to the back of the cabinet some sleepy morning in search of the toothpaste. It got lost somewhere in the new challenge of raising three little ones, on a handful of hours of sleep. It still showed positive.

—

I fished the test out of the trash. [Don’t freak out, it was on the top. (hehe)] I just wanted to take a picture. So I grabbed the sonogram pictures from the fridge door and brought them over to the swing. I laid them on her sleeping little body, beside the “gangrene test”, Matthew and I had joked about. I took a picture.

Sure you can count me weird.

But I just wanted to remember how it felt…

to be standing in front of an answered prayer. ”

– Thanks be to God.

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Thanksgiving

God, thank You for a country where I don’t fear for my girls’ physical safety throughout the day and at night.

God, thank You for a community where I can leave laundry on the line and toys out in my yard and they’re still there in the morning.

God, thank You for the freedom to read books about struggles that are so far removed from me.

God, thank You for safety and Your hand of protection on my family.

God, thank You that when the burglar broke in through the nursery window, entering and exiting through the girls’ room last May no one was harmed. Thank You for allowing the girls to sleep through it all and be oblivious to the danger You saved them from. Thank You that they still sleep soundly and safely in their room to this day.

God, thank You for a government that even in it’s sinfulness, still stands on most terms of protecting life and governing those who threaten the quality of life.

God, thank You for sparing my direct family from direct involvement in the utter destruction and soul-ripping pains of human trafficking. We didn’t get to pick where we were born, so thank You for this undeserved blessing.

God, thank You for sparing us, thus far, from the utter horrors of child soldiers, sexual abuse, torture, in-country combat war, abandonment, violence, rape, slavery and so many of the other ways mankind can find to inflict terror upon each other. Lord, don’t let me take it for granted that You have spared us from this, thus far. Please don’t let me get lost in my little world of blessing that I’d become so sheltered from the pains around this world… and please help me to fight the real battles, leaving the civil arguments amidst warm houses filled with more than we could ever need. Lord, please help me to run HARD after You, promoting Your justice to save us, mankind, from ourselves.

God, thank You so much for ALL that You have given me and opened my eyes to.

Now, Lord, help me to use that wisdom to fight the good fight, win the race and keep the faith.

You are more than enough.

Where You lead me, I will follow.

I love You, Lord.

– Amen.

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So Demanding! ;)

I went to a Le Leche League meeting with a friend Tuesday night. I can certainly see the value in asking questions should your kid be having some odd behavior or you have some nursing complications. I have been blessed by Hannah’s wonderful nursing skills (though we did have our hiccups too) and Abi’s past success, but I certainly don’t take them for granted (remembering the struggles with Rachael and ultimate weaning at 6 weeks).

But there also is a danger in sitting around in a group that won’t tell you “no.”

Please hear me through on this one…

Support is important. Support to excel and succeed can certainly help a Mom “go the distance” in the nursing world. But support is only healthy if the behavior supported is healthy.

I believe breastmilk is the best option for a baby – for certain. But I think the question moves from “best nutrition” to “overall health” when looking to wean a child. Biblically kids were weaned around three years old, but we must also take into account a child’s expectation and cultural skill level at three years old 2,000 years ago verses now.

I tend to fall on the side of babyhood and breastmilk falling together (if possible) while toddlerhood, when nutritional value is found in food over drink, and breastmilk should be a “weaning onto other things” policy. There has been a recent trend in “prolonged” or “extended” breastfeeding into preschool age.

First off, I begin to wonder what is fueling this need. Is it really the child or is it the parent projecting a need onto the child?

I sat beside a woman who was still nursing a child Rachael’s age (turning 4 years old this winter). Now while I am not making the family decisions for her household, I began to wonder if feeding a stubborn will and a perceived skin-to-skin need was indeed healthy. She herself acknowledged the nutritional need ending long ago and the need to establish boundaries.

I also sat across from a woman who in an effort “just to make her happy” was still getting up multiple times per night to nurse her co-sleeping toddler.

[Sidenote: A child is capable and healthily able to sleep through the night once they return to birth weight, though emotionally they may not be ready initially.]

I think it depends on how you view breastfeeding. Is it nutritional or attachment or both?

I’d venture to say in the beginning that it is both. I agree in wanting your child to be happy, but to what extreme do you do it?

It’s the same argument for the pacifier. Or the special blanket.

And I would argue that it is the parent’s job to make sure the habit is remaining healthy. See, when a child’s stubborn will is exerted over a parent, the habit’s not healthy. When “no” is not accepted characteristically, the habit is not healthy. And when a parent views a child’s needs as demand-oriented, drop-of-the-hat, child-controlled, the habit is not healthy.

I don’t think it’s my job to set a nursing age standard by any means, please understand. But I do call to question the evaluation and parenting method of demand-oriented comfort, regardless of the method.

See, I think there’s a sickness going around the parenting world that the child is the authority and ruler of the household or child-rearing. I think it’s the same sickness that drives parents to merely entertain verses interact. I think it’s the same sickness that sets a child up for even greater selfishness.

No one had to teach my kids to be selfish, we all came into this world with those resume skills. 😉 But instead it is the job of the parent to foster a child into “otherness” without fear of their own true needs being met. And it’s not the immature child that dictates the true needs. Oh, they can vocalize their wants all they desire… and they will. But we create an unsustainable world by demand-oriented parenting.

I’m not arguing to rip the special blanket from a child’s arms by any means
(and I was a blanket kid – and still do love my adult blanket and pillow’s feel of normalcy). But I am arguing the need for constant evaluation as to a habit’s transition from nurturing to defiance or dependence.

What do you think?

Feel free to share in the comment section.

=)

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Ninepence’s Less

I sat down to read the usual Adventure Missionary reading while the girls fell asleep. Hannah, who had waited patiently for her lunch, snuggled in for her feeding as I rocked, read and fed. Rachael and Abi laid silently in their beds, initially twiddling a finger here and there and later fast asleep.

I love reading the Christian Heroes: Then & Now series to the girls. I love that in one effort my little ones get to fall asleep to my voice, have a specific and daily set-aside time to hear the testimony of heroes of the faith, and that I get the privilege to soak in some “beyond picture books” reading.

I read this today and it really resounded in my heart:

Gladys realized that she could not leave the little girl to possibly die in the hands of such a heartless person. She stopped and turned and stared at the woman. “I don’t have that much cash, but I will give you what I have in my pocket.”

The woman smiled slyly. “And how much would that be?” she asked.

Gladys fished around in her jacket pocket and pulled out a few copper cash coins, equal to ninepence in English money. She held the coins out on her open palm for the woman to see.

“Done,” the woman declared, grasping for the money. “Take her away.”

Gladys took the hand of the little girl, who she decided must be about four or five years old. Together they continued on down the street. By the time Gladys reached the inn, the enormity of what she had just done began to dawn on her. She had just bought, or adopted, as she preferred to think of it, a little girl. Just like that, she had become a mother. 

Ninepence, as the girl quickly became known, gulped down every scrap of food she was given. Within weeks she had turned into a healthy, happy little girl. She loved living at the inn, and Gladys never had a moment of regret that she’d followed her heart and not the mandarin’s command. 

One day, after Ninepence had been living at the inn about six months, Gladys was standing on the upstairs balcony. Suddenly, she saw Ninepence come running through the gate into the courtyard.

“Ai-weh-deh [name given to Gladys by the Chinese and translated: “virtuous one”],” Ninepence yelled, “are you hungry tonight?”

Gladys thought the question rather odd, but she answered it. “Yes, I am, and Yang is making us a delicious millet stew.”

Ninepence looked up at her. “I’m going to eat a little less at dinner. If I eat a little less, would you eat a little less, too?” she asked. 

“Why would we do that?” inquired Gladys. 

“I found a boy out here, and he is hungry,” Ninepence said, pointing to the gate. “If I eat less, and you eat less, and we put those two lesses together, we would have enough to feed him, too.”

Gladys smiled to herself. Ninepence was always on the lookout for children in need. “Yes, I will eat less with you, and the boy can eat with us. Bring him in,” she said.

 And so it was, that an eight-year-old orphan boy also became part of the family. 

 – excerpt from “Gladys Aylward: The Adventure of a Lifetime” by Janet & Geoff Benge

It just got me to thinking and praying…

Lord, that I would eat less.

Lord, that more would eat less. Then we could put our lesses together to feed others and bring them into the family. 

… Amen.

– To God be the glory.

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When the Answer is ‘No’

I’m not even sure where to start these swirling thoughts. It’s a lot to still take in.

I got a phone call a few months ago and we all celebrated quietly. We didn’t want to the news to slip out, but we were joyful at the life conceived after a hard run.

My dear sister in law had already lost three, two in a row and the most recent’s surgery still fresh on our minds. And then the news came. And we rejoiced quietly, so as not to announce anything before passing that first trimester window.

Things were trucking along, with understandable conversations of laying anxiety at Christ’s feet. For those of you whom have ever miscarried, you know that passing the last miscarriage date feels more secure… it’s like a deep breath can happen more freely.

And with the close of the first trimester, we were excited to see our prayers being answered favorably. Thanks be to the Giver of life who knits our very fragile selves together in the dark, quiet comforts of our Moms.

Then all at once she felt something was wrong. She told me of the multiple attempts from nurses and even the doctor to find little one’s heartbeat. I remembered that drop in the pit of my stomach when the same thing happened to me. She knew the baby was gone.

With another surgery scheduled, the healing phase begins again. Only this time with the hurt of having more children in heaven than here. We’re left with the ‘why’s to lay at His feet. And why four? The hurts. And the questions that we fight to keep from eating away at our sanity. Faith  is not shaken, but hurt is inevitable. Loss. The grief season.

So what are you supposed to do when the answer is ‘no’?

Again.

You hug each other
and hold each other
you come over to distract
and bring dinner
You pass off the baby when she needs snuggle therapy
And keep the baby quiet when she needs to forget
You listen
and listen
and listen some more

You hurt with her hurts
And cry with her crying
And you laugh with her laughs
because life still has joy
You go for walks
and drives
and celebrate what He has given her
with an arm around her at what has been taken away

And you both stand in the hope of Christ
a Hope that heals the soul

a Hope that breathes peace into the mind
and calm into the depths of the pain

a Hope that offers Life
when death seems to surround us

He is that Hope
and that Perfect friend

And so you just pray Him over her

because He is everything she could ever need…

… to heal.

… and to thrive through this storm.

– Love her so.

– to God be the glory. Forever. And Ever.

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Maybe…

Maybe it’s in pulling out the winter blankets for the girls’ beds.

Maybe it’s in realizing how much Rachael has learned in last year’s homeschooling as I flip through this year’s homeschooling outline.

Maybe it’s in the realization that Abi no longer fits pants I got out last month.

Maybe it’s in hearing her add “certainly” and “presumably” to her 3 year old vocabulary.

Maybe it’s in watching Hannah’s eyes now open daily and soaking in her world.

Maybe it’s in overhearing Abi use words, “it’s ridiculous!” instead of screaming every time she’s frustrated (evidence of growing self-control).

Maybe it’s in the realization that Rachael will be 4 years old in just a few months.

Maybe it’s in noticing Abi’s face elongating and planning for potty training in just a few weeks.

Maybe it’s in the realization that Hannah’s 5 weeks old already.

Maybe it’s in contemplating bunking the beds after Rachael’s birthday.

Maybe it’s in looking into the “new kid room” and wondering who will be joining us
… and when
… and feeling like it is so soon
… and that I need to redress the beds in there sooner than later.

Maybe it’s a combination of all these things, but today they all just feel so big… so old… so “growing like weeds”.

Rubbing my hand through Hannah’s soft red-tinted hair takes me back to Rachael’s newness
 … like it was just yesterday.

And then I see her, Ms. Long-legs, dancing down the hallway with Abi squealing and chasing her. Free and so alive.

– In the blink of an eye…


– Snuggling a little extra today.

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