Category: my heart

Open Letter

To the Table of Moms sitting beside ours at the children’s museum,

First of all, congratulations on expecting your second children in the household. The thrill of a miracle growing inside of you is indescribable, even in those last few months of “bumping into everything”. And your toddlers may not have any idea what’s coming, but they’ll learn to enjoy the company of another little smiler.

But even in your excitement my heart breaks for you both. I saw your glances and while it would be easy to brush you off as judgemental, my heart is really saddened.

Yes, Big Guy spilled his cup of juice because he wasn’t paying attention. He’s only been to a children’s museum twice that I know of and it’s a lot to take in, even when wolfing down lunch in anticipation of playing with legos. Yes, Little Man was fussing. What you didn’t know is that he had already been fed and freshly diapered, he was just having an impatient moment while I was nursing Hannah. And yes, the boys do not look like me… or my girls. In fact, to a deeply judging eye they could mark me to look like an unfaithful woman… or a woman in a really biologically confusing mess.

But my heart breaks that you didn’t really see my kids. You didn’t see Abi’s utter bliss at the chocolate covered pretzels we got as a special treat from the shop downstairs. And you didn’t see the twinkle in Big Guy’s eyes that even though he forgot his money that he brought to buy a special snack, he got to share a bag of Buggles with all of us after eating his cheese and crackers (the unsoggy ones). And you didn’t see the progress that Little Man has made in only fussing a bit and being responsive to my touch and my words to calm himself down.

You didn’t see where my boys were two months ago and how much they have moved from being constantly attention-seeking and fearful to secure and excited.

Yes, we are a noisy bunch sometimes… many times around eating time. And there are still needs to remind Big Guy to sit still and that just because he’s not touching it right now doesn’t mean he’ll never get to. And there are still needs to balance nursing my Hannah with rocking Little Man into comfort.

But my heart breaks for you, Moms, that while you may be there in your hearts some day to take in a child that needs someone while their world gets a little more under control… you’re not there right now. But right now there are Big Guys and Little Mans out there… waiting for Children’s Services to intervene and remove them from their crumbling worlds.

Tomorrow we’ll probably still be noisy, and a little bossy sometimes, and a little over-the-top excited and needy, but I am so thankful to God that tomorrow these precious boys know that they’ll still be safe. And loved. And snuggled. And told that “we’re praying for your Mom and your Dad” while they wait to see who will rescue them and who will fade away into a memory.

Sweet pregnant moms, my heart breaks for you.

Please take another glance.

Please.

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Music Monday: Step Intentionally

This is a humorous song written by Sara Groves that actually holds a really good point. This song talks all about the church running from the conflict of the world – fleeing to the moon in a moment of “I don’t want to deal with this”.

I have always enjoyed this song (even though Matt laughs at me sometimes due to it’s silliness) because it speaks to a reality of the foolishness of avoiding the world’s sin. There are many times I just wanted to run and hide – be it a frustrating conversation challenging my faith or a discouragement in watching a fellow believer take Scripture way out of context and represent a characteristic of God that in inaccurate. I’m sure I’ve caused many others to smack their own heads as well as God is continually modeling and shaping me to be more like Him and less like my sinful self.

Just as this song touches on the irony of running from the world, it’s been a helpful tool in remembering to look at the large picture of Christianity and the faithfulness of God to work amongst us broken and sinful people. What a great God that He uses us losers as tools to reach the lost!

So in those moments that I want to rein it in, pack it up and run away from conflict, frustration and “the log in another’s eye”, I am thankful that God uses people like Sara Groves to point out the silliness in that philosophy.

Afterall, how will they hear or see if no one shares Christ?

You have to get into the muck to help another out of the muck.

– Step intentionally.

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Music Monday: When the Saints

“When the Saints” by Sara Groves:

I don’t think it could be said better.

This world is so full of sin and injustice.

The only hope is Jesus.

But how will they hear if no one tells them?

…

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Music Monday: Be Still

I remember sitting on the floor in my room, well before the household awoke and listening to this song each morning. It was still frosty and cold and I had to get going to make it in time to High School. But I made it a point to sit, sometimes praying, sometimes reading the Word during that time, but many times just sitting with open hands and letting the song pray for me.

He is God.

Then when I went off to college I remember sitting in the hallway outside my dorm room. It was too early and my roommate wouldn’t let me keep a light on, so I sat in the hallway, in the corner of our fourth floor dorm building each morning at 5, just praying and reading the Word. Since my french class started at 8a I got up every morning at 5a, going to bed early despite the bustle of college, so I could spend however long the Holy Spirit led me to pour over God’s Word.

It was still.

Not a soul was awake on the floor.

The showers were vacant and the fall air crisp on that Tennessee morning.

After a quick shower, sometimes foregoing one because I ran out of time, I walked across the campus to this soundtrack.

Frost hung in the cold breeze. Hardly a soul in sight as the campus slept.

It was still.

And I knew that there was, and is, and will be forever… God.

This song is very dear to my heart.

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Home

It’s more than a location. It’s more than a storage unit.

I want this to be the place that he longs to return to.

The place where he can enjoy the delights of fairy tales with his little girls, dress-up play and wild hair after wrestling tickle-fights.

The place that he thinks about when he’s gone to work.

The place he desires to be the spiritual leader and can’t wait for the next mid-van ride theology lesson or late-night conversation.

 

I want this to be the place they long to return to.

The place where giggling, squealing and frolicking live.

The place they think about when they’re cleaning up at a friend’s house.

The place they find that “one spot” on the couch to curl up for adventure readings, and that “special place” where the nursing ticks are acceptable while they fall asleep.

The place where they desire to be the ballet dancers, concert soloists and award-winning princesses.

 

I want that for them.

 

And even more I want this to be a place of growing and walking together in the Lord, feeling out the hard trials and facing the struggles of being Light in darkness together. The place where humility finds us on our knees at the altar and passion pushes us out in boldness to the lost and dying world. The place, the hub where compassion is flooding through our missions readings, world vision sponsorship letters and prayer board. The very place where Kingdom work take higher presidency than self-fulfillment.

 

I want this space to be home.

Not just any home, but God’s home.

 

So you’ll find me here on my knees, begging the Lord of Life to be more and help me be less.

 

please come join me…

 

 

– love them so.

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