Category: that’s just life

In the Morning.

Today I am feeling really beat down by orphan care. Between the bickering, twin 2’s constant discontentment and downright screaming today, my Hannah’s undoing of her sleep training (be it due to the added stress of our household, the addition of Twin 2 in our room for the 1.5 months before we moved him out, or her own demise), and now round 3 of lice as discovered once again in my two year old’s hair after the culprit being our oldest foster son. Today I just want to run away. I want to take my biological family and run away. I want to hide from the constant beat-down. I want to hide from the sicknesses of twin 2. I want to hide from the chaos of five kids. I want to hide from the constant battles and struggles. I just want to take “my kids” and run away from all of this orphan care.

I won’t. But I just want to be honest.

Not every day is glamorous. And this Mommying is really hard. And it hurts. And it brings me to tears. And there are moments I just want to run away. It’s hard to love someone so much that you want to run away from them and yet take them with you as well.

Today I want to blame someone. I want to call up his Mom and ask her how she could do this to them. I want to call up his “Dad” and ask him why this was ever okay. I want to yell at someone for the harm they have done to these kids. And I want to cry and hold them and just run away.

And I want to yell at someone for how little of a Mom I have left to give to my girls after dealing with the babies. I want to cry to someone about how much it hurts to tell my four year old that no I can’t play with her AGAIN because I have another diaper to do, or a baby to calm, or I just can’t think straight after another hard night of being up every 45 minutes. And I want to cry to someone as my baby screams at bedtime because she’s overwhelmed and tired and just flat out mad – coping with all the changes. And I want to take my favorite blanket and hide away at the bottom of my closet because it all feels like too much and it all won’t stop swirling.

I may sound like a wimp. I may sound like a fool. But I just wanted to be honest.

This hurts. And this is really hard.

And I want to fall on my face again before God and ask Him why. Why is it so hard? Why does it have to be this way? And what will I possibly do if after seeing my utter raw self these boys go home?

There’s silence.

A lot of silence.

But I know He’s listening. And I know He cares.

Joy will come in the morning…. it just has to!

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Dearest Blog,

So much to write about and so little time right now. Promise I’ll be back soon.

No, I haven’t forgotten you. 😉

Sincerely,

Mommy of five needers

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Open Letter

To the Table of Moms sitting beside ours at the children’s museum,

First of all, congratulations on expecting your second children in the household. The thrill of a miracle growing inside of you is indescribable, even in those last few months of “bumping into everything”. And your toddlers may not have any idea what’s coming, but they’ll learn to enjoy the company of another little smiler.

But even in your excitement my heart breaks for you both. I saw your glances and while it would be easy to brush you off as judgemental, my heart is really saddened.

Yes, Big Guy spilled his cup of juice because he wasn’t paying attention. He’s only been to a children’s museum twice that I know of and it’s a lot to take in, even when wolfing down lunch in anticipation of playing with legos. Yes, Little Man was fussing. What you didn’t know is that he had already been fed and freshly diapered, he was just having an impatient moment while I was nursing Hannah. And yes, the boys do not look like me… or my girls. In fact, to a deeply judging eye they could mark me to look like an unfaithful woman… or a woman in a really biologically confusing mess.

But my heart breaks that you didn’t really see my kids. You didn’t see Abi’s utter bliss at the chocolate covered pretzels we got as a special treat from the shop downstairs. And you didn’t see the twinkle in Big Guy’s eyes that even though he forgot his money that he brought to buy a special snack, he got to share a bag of Buggles with all of us after eating his cheese and crackers (the unsoggy ones). And you didn’t see the progress that Little Man has made in only fussing a bit and being responsive to my touch and my words to calm himself down.

You didn’t see where my boys were two months ago and how much they have moved from being constantly attention-seeking and fearful to secure and excited.

Yes, we are a noisy bunch sometimes… many times around eating time. And there are still needs to remind Big Guy to sit still and that just because he’s not touching it right now doesn’t mean he’ll never get to. And there are still needs to balance nursing my Hannah with rocking Little Man into comfort.

But my heart breaks for you, Moms, that while you may be there in your hearts some day to take in a child that needs someone while their world gets a little more under control… you’re not there right now. But right now there are Big Guys and Little Mans out there… waiting for Children’s Services to intervene and remove them from their crumbling worlds.

Tomorrow we’ll probably still be noisy, and a little bossy sometimes, and a little over-the-top excited and needy, but I am so thankful to God that tomorrow these precious boys know that they’ll still be safe. And loved. And snuggled. And told that “we’re praying for your Mom and your Dad” while they wait to see who will rescue them and who will fade away into a memory.

Sweet pregnant moms, my heart breaks for you.

Please take another glance.

Please.

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For Good

The boys will be back in a half hour. Their visit is almost done and they’ll be dropped off by transportation. We drive and drop off. They bring home. It helps us since they scheduled the visits on the one day we requested to not.

The nights are long and I’m napless, despite hopes. The babies are so random at sleep and are many times keeping each other up.

And honestly, it is REALLY hard right now. I could stack a skyscraper high of one-block-at-a-time struggles. We’re all still adjusting to this new norm. Some better than others.

And while I have moments of just wanting things to go back to normal or at least find some consistent number of wake-up calls in the middle of the night from the two babies,

And while there are moments I am fed up with paying for someone else’s awful parenting choices,

And while there are moments I would love to sell my own kids on ebay,

I know that this is what God has for us right now. This is what He has asked of us.

This is the cup we are to drink and find delight in and splash onto his feet in tear-filled prayers.

And I just want to be honest that the sacrifice hurts many times. My pride and selfishness wants “me time” and the ability to accomplish getting 5 on a schedule to allow “just me” time.

I can complain and kick and pout as well as my two year old… if not better.

But at the end of the day, even the long days, I am still thanking God that He has given us the opportunity to love these boys.

In the good, the bad and the ugly.

God IS working this for His good.

This is the reality of our normal.

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6 Little Secrets of a Sleeping Baby

6 Little Secrets of a Sleeping Baby | Science of Mom.

This is one of the smartest and most holistic studies of sleep training I have read in a long time. It’s child driven, developmentally appropriate and self-soothing encouraging since all children need to learnt o cope with stress in life.

It is a conglomeration of my personal sleep training parenting as well as allowing the flexibility of a family defining their sleep needs.

Bravo! Well done!

(there are 6 posts in the 3 month research conglomeration study. This one starts the study.)

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