Still on the Playlist

I had a conversation with a dear friend, …oh it must have been a few weeks ago by now. The girls were all sleeping, my friend’s kids were knocked out as well, and we enjoyed the quiet households giving us the opportunity to share in each others’ lives.

I don’t even remember quite how we got onto the subject, but we blasted back to the very beginning of our marriages. I enjoyed learning about my dear friend’s transition from her Mother’s house to making a home of her own with her husband. And it was fun to take a walk down memory lane with her back to the old one-bedroom apartment that Matt and I stepped foot in after saying our ‘I do’s.

Well after the phone conversation ended, the memories swirled.

That broken bathtub drain clogged with a washcloth so I could do the mounds of dishes piled up, evidence of no dishwasher and a cutting-board sized counter space. Two full, full-time workers and then school and then internship. The late night hours waiting for Matt to return resulting in me falling asleep on the couch.

When we got married it was not in ignorance. We had seen divorces have their affects on families and kids. We were blessed to have also seen marriages, our parents, held together by Christ and prayer. We knew the statistical odds. We knew it’d be work. And we knew it’d be worth it.

But never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined it’d be this good.

Here 5 years later, rocking my youngest of three daughters, the praise of our Lord pours from my heart. Thanks be to the God of firm foundations. Thanks be to the God of uniting hearts. Thanks be to the God of hope and forgiveness. Thanks be to the God who has built our marriage on Him and Him alone.

I remember my roommate and best friend at the time putting together our wedding slideshow. She gathered together the old baby pictures of Matt and I, infusing two separate stories and sharing the years of memories captured in the hearts of our friends and families in attendance. She asked me to pick the background music. A few songs came to my mind that she easily found on my music playlist. Then by some near mistake, she came across the song. The song that captured the very heart of the commitment we were offering each other. “We Build” by Nicole Nordeman.

I wanted to share this song with you, but could only find it in terms of a past flood video so please enjoy the words and ignore the pictures for the purpose of this blog. 😉

“It’s bigger than we thought
It’s taller than it ought to be
This pile of rubble and ruins

The neighbors must talk
It’s the worst yard on the block
Just branches and boards where walls stood

Did it seem to you
Like the storm just knew
We weren’t quite finished with the roof
When it started?

So we build
We build
We clear away what was and make room for what will be
If you hold the nails, I’ll take the hammer
I’ll hold it still, if you’ll climb the ladder
If you will, then I will, build

On any given day
We could simply walk away
And let someone else hold the pieces

The lie that we tell
Says it’s better somewhere else
As if love flies south when it freezes

What I’m trying to say
In some clumsy way
Is that it’s you and only you for always

What I’m trying to say
In some clumsy way
Is that its you and only you, not just for now, not just today
But its you and only you for always

So If you hold the nails, I’ll take the hammer
I’ll hold it still, if you’ll climb the ladder
If you will, then I will, build“

“We Build” speaks of emerging from the tragic moments, the tougher trials and challenges and choosing to build. Matt and I don’t have a pessimistic view of our marriage, but we do know there will always be trials and challenges and circumstances outside of our ability to rise from.

But instead of accepting the lie that “it’s better somewhere else” we must choose to build… together.

It’s that security of choosing the mindset that “it’s you and only you, for always”. When you start there the choice is to build now or have a harder time building later. But not building is not a choice.

Matthew, I love building beside you and with you. I am blessed beyond measure at the graciousness you extend to me through Christ. Thank you for teaching me with a humble heart how to build. Thank you, Lord, for breathing your truth into our marriage. Please, Lord, help us and hold us together because it’s so easy to be “prone to wander” when we look to ourselves to keep this marriage healthy.

I wish I could convey to you the reassurance I see in his eyes. It’s something that just can’t be put into words unless you have felt that kind of commitment. So many walk into relationships with a “hope this works out” mentality. And I must tell you that not one day of our marriage have I ever, nor will I ever, fear Matthew leaving me for “something else” or “someone else.”

So many times this confidence has been laughed at as naivety or immaturity. But I find it quite the opposite. I know that Matt’s soul is the Lord’s. His commitment to me is through his level of commitment to Jesus. For it is through Christ that he is even able to offer me a lifelong commitment. And just as it is a daily denying of self for the cause of Christ, Matt has chosen to daily work on our marriage. (And I likewise).

Sometimes daily working on our marriage looks like ignoring my flaws. Sometimes it looks like grace. Sometimes it looks like holding me accountable… even when I don’t want to hear it. Sometimes it looks like sitting next to me, holding my hand and not asking me to talk. But it always looks like, no matter what the day has held for us, it always looks like snuggling each other before we fall asleep.

See, no matter how flawed and frustrated and annoyed and selfish we have been, we have chosen our “for always” here on earth to be together. It’s not a commitment that can be changed by circumstance. It was decided once … until death. And it’s that commitment that keeps us coming back to apologize. We can joke, because otherwise the next 90 years are going to be mighty quiet and frustrating if we don’t apologize now. 😉

It’s hard for me to put into words. It’s hard for me to convey my appreciation, adoration and confidence in my husband’s heart. He chose our marriage in his mind. And he is one stubborn man. 😉

And I’m so blessed… so very blessed to build with him… no matter what.

– we build.

November 1, 2012 0

When the Answer is ‘No’

I’m not even sure where to start these swirling thoughts. It’s a lot to still take in.

I got a phone call a few months ago and we all celebrated quietly. We didn’t want to the news to slip out, but we were joyful at the life conceived after a hard run.

My dear sister in law had already lost three, two in a row and the most recent’s surgery still fresh on our minds. And then the news came. And we rejoiced quietly, so as not to announce anything before passing that first trimester window.

Things were trucking along, with understandable conversations of laying anxiety at Christ’s feet. For those of you whom have ever miscarried, you know that passing the last miscarriage date feels more secure… it’s like a deep breath can happen more freely.

And with the close of the first trimester, we were excited to see our prayers being answered favorably. Thanks be to the Giver of life who knits our very fragile selves together in the dark, quiet comforts of our Moms.

Then all at once she felt something was wrong. She told me of the multiple attempts from nurses and even the doctor to find little one’s heartbeat. I remembered that drop in the pit of my stomach when the same thing happened to me. She knew the baby was gone.

With another surgery scheduled, the healing phase begins again. Only this time with the hurt of having more children in heaven than here. We’re left with the ‘why’s to lay at His feet. And why four? The hurts. And the questions that we fight to keep from eating away at our sanity. Faith is not shaken, but hurt is inevitable. Loss. The grief season.

So what are you supposed to do when the answer is ‘no’?

Again.

You hug each other
and hold each other
you come over to distract
and bring dinner
You pass off the baby when she needs snuggle therapy
And keep the baby quiet when she needs to forget
You listen
and listen
and listen some more

You hurt with her hurts
And cry with her crying
And you laugh with her laughs
because life still has joy
You go for walks
and drives
and celebrate what He has given her
with an arm around her at what has been taken away

And you both stand in the hope of Christ
a Hope that heals the soul

a Hope that breathes peace into the mind
and calm into the depths of the pain

a Hope that offers Life
when death seems to surround us

He is that Hope
and that Perfect friend

And so you just pray Him over her

because He is everything she could ever need…

… to heal.

… and to thrive through this storm.

– Love her so.

– to God be the glory. Forever. And Ever.

October 23, 2012 0

Three

I wanted to share this from an email I sent to a friend who asked how things were going in our neck of the woods:

We’ve been finding our balance times we can go out (between feedings) and times I need the privacy of our home to avoid meltdowns (of the children, of course. LOL). [She says while bouncing the newborn, typing with one hand and juggling the pacifier the baby keeps spitting out.] I’ve also been mastering the art of nursing the baby while: making lunch, folding laundry, problem-solving, cleaning, and mediating. I tell ya what, that Hannah sure has a good latch. Most of our nursing sessions are not done with aerobics at the same time, but at least once daily requires some “skill”.

I have found that three kids keeps me more homebound with great value in everything being here w/o requiring me to have brushed teeth. 😉 I have been keeping up on the laundry (doing 1-2 loads per day and nearly getting them all folded and put away as well). This makes me feel great accomplishment. =D Funny how accomplishing a load of dishes, laundry or a shower before noon makes you think about writing in to the Noble Peace Prize for a nomination.

I, like you, have been focusing not on how to get a large amount of things done, but on how to get things done well. It’s more than just listing off desired behaviors louder than the frustrated screams, but making the time to explain why we should want to serve our family over ourselves in two and three year old lingo. It’s finding that extra special way to show each one of them love daily in the way they understand love. It’s strategizing your day so you’re nearby to listen in and encourage respectful play amongst sisters, ready to model kindness and clear communication. It’s nursing the baby while making lunch sometimes, but it’s also sitting down and having an extra rocking session without concern for the washer’s transfer needs. It’s settling into the balance of productivity mixed with the reality of a pajama day. It’s dancing in the accomplishment of timeliness being defined as only 5 minutes late when two poopy diapers announced themselves at the exit door. It’s saying “no” to extras and “yes” to help without falling into the trap of feeling useless in motherhood. It’s seeking opportunities to serve others from your living room or drop off some encouragement when the kids are already strapped into the car. It’s letting go of nap-teased hair and laughing at the new shapes hair takes as it dances in the afternoon breeze on the family walk. And it’s engaging the girls in dollhouse play while vacuuming the living room with the baby strapped to your chest.

It’s a whirlwind, a challenge and an utter, laughable joy that both keeps me going and knocks me off my feet. It’s three. And I love it!

I was born for this. =)

Hannah’s now 3 weeks old as of yesterday, sleeping 4-5.5 hours at a time at night (thanks be to God) with an occasional odd 3hr shift in there every few nights, and gives us eyes for about a total of 2 hours daily. She continues to be a peaceful, predictable, and patient baby that I’m praying she doesn’t “grow out of” next week. She has her moments of “help me fall asleep” exhaustion 1-2x per day, but with a little bouncing and extra snuggling she knocks out within 10 minutes. She has never returned to that crazy shrieking scream that was unable to find a solution (referring to day 3 and 4 of life). And grateful cannot resound any more from my lips.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that we’re nuts to have had three so close together. Makes me want to pull out a picture of your family. 😉 But, honestly, it doesn’t feel like too much to handle. It’s just like a fun Tetris puzzle – figuring out which piece goes where to get everyone’s needs met today. I’m thankful for no hormonal weirdness leftovers. I’m thankful for calm, quiet Jesus music setting the background for patience and peace in our household. And I’m thankful for the hope of good seeds producing good fruit when I sit down and take the time to teach life lessons, over behavior avoidance.

So thanks for asking. And for caring.

And for loving us.

September 27, 2012 0

The Projected Normal

* This is a sample of my current schedule mashed with our old schedule. And therefore the reason for the blogging silence. 😉

Thanks to my Mom staying for over a week, we have not run this schedule but for two days thus far. That being said, we are grateful and yet have found that this schedule is now in full swing with some obvious adjustments should Hannah add in an extra growth-spurt feeding and should there not arise any additional snuggle/teaching needs for the older two.

We just play each day by ear, but at least in this household this is what we’ve found to be most affective for this current phase of having a 3.5 year old, 2 year old and a newborn. Tweaking, obviously, occurs daily. 😉

Between 12:30 and 1:30a – Hannah wake-up feeding #1 (feeding takes 50 minutes to an hour and fifteen minutes depending on her level of sleepiness). Change diaper and reswaddle before putting her back in her bassinet.

Between 4:30a and 5:30a – Hannah wake-up feeding #2 (see above). Change the laundry to the dryer (if applicable).

Between 6:30 and 7:10a – Depending on Hannah’s level of sleeping from previous feeding depends on when I, Ms. Roadkill, drag myself out of bed. Hannah feeding #3 (feeding only takes about 30-45 minutes this time). Change Hananh’s diaper.

Between 7 and 7:30a – Rachael and Abi awake. Mommy’s morning devotion time. (If I don’t get in my devotion at that point then I add it to a Hannah feeding somewhere else in the day).

Between 7a and 7:15a – Matt awakes, sets coffee pot, and showers.

7:30a – Retrieve Rachael and Abi (or send Matt to do likewise). Abi’s diaper change. Encourage girls to go to the table for breakfast or go play while breakfast is being made (depending on our level of breakfast involvement). Put soiled Hannah/Abi diapers in hamper. Take laundry out of dryer. Start folding previous day’s diaper laundry that I never got around to yesterday.

8a – Breakfast for girls (Matt usually makes it). Then Matt’s devotion time while they eat.

8:30a – Remind girls that breakfast is for eating, start girls’ bathwater, settle Hannah into swing or bouncer. Think about showering. Check facebook, email, pinterest (optional).

8:40a – Aid girls in getting into bath. Scrub a dub children. (On the non-bath days, aid the girls in picking out play from the magnet board and getting them on task.) Prep Hannah’s bath. Pick out Rachael/Abi/Hannah’s clothes/lay them out.

8:50a – Hannah’s bath.

9a – Dress and rediaper Hannah. Say goodbye to Matt (maybe asking him to feed the cats or bring out the trash on the way out if he can).

9:10a – Settle Hannah into swing or bouncer. Get Rachael/Abi dryed off/dressed. “Hair and teeth” for Rachael and Abi. Set out diapers to sun (if needed).

9:40a – Think about a shower again and try to strategize how to get one.

9:50a – Hannah feeding #4. Read 400 books to Rachael/Abi during Hannah feeding via their initiative.

10:40a – Encourage independent play or cooperative play or (mood-pending) watching a movie so I can get a shower.

10:50a – After gathering clothes, change Abi’s now poopy diaper, change Hannah’s diaper and settle everyone in so I can take a shower.

11a – I get my shower (victory!) and get dressed for the day while Hannah hangs out in the bouncer.

11:30a – Lunch prep while encouraging the girls to clean up.

11:40a – Rachael/Abi sit down to lunch and I attempt to tidy the house a bit.

Noon – Check facebook, email, or pinterest (optional) or do something for a few seconds “away” while the girls finish their lunch. Turn on nursery fan to aid Abi in transition to nap time. notice that Hannah’s starting to squirm a little. Snuggle time with Hannah. Bring in diapers from sunning (if applicable).

12:05 – 12:10p – Matt comes home for lunch. I usher Abi to say her “hi’s” and “goodnight’s” to everyone while encouraging Rachael to finish eating (she’s slow) and then go to the bathroom in prep for nap. Put Abi down for nap (diaper change and story reading).

12:15p – Hannah diaper change. Hannah feeding #5. Matt helps to usher Rachael to her bed if Hannah won’t wait for me to do it first. Matt makes “Mommy and Daddy lunch”.

12:20 – 1:05p – Lunch/feeding Hannah.

1:05p – Clean up from lunch. Bathroom break. Tidy up a bit (there always seems to be something on the “to do” list). Then settle Hannah in for her nap (usually not hard since the child sleeps constantly).

1:30p – Mommy nap (optional). Otherwise, make wipes, clean something, fix something, laundry needs, etc. as needed. Begin typing or just thinking about possible blog post (may or may not complete it in this 24 hour time period).

2:30p – Notice Abi is starting to stir a bit. Conclude what I am doing or continue to sleep because she’s yet to wake me up on the baby monitor.

3p – Abi awakes and stealthily climbs into Rachael’s bed. Rachael moans and groans. I either wake up (if I was napping) or realize that my productive time is drawing to a close. Hannah feeding #6.

3:10p – Both girls are now fully awake and no longer in the groggy wake-up phase. Listen for their cue to come let them out (they knock on the nursery door) when they’ve decided bed playing is done. Hannah diaper change.

3:30p – Girls are up and out of their rooms. Abi diaper change. Read books to girls while continue to feed Hannah.

4p – “Daddy’s home from work!!!” Participate in celebration and take opportunity to settle Hannah into the swing or the bouncer and “get some things done” tidying, cleaning, decluttering, or whatever that I didn’t get done b/c I was napping or because I ran out of time.

4:30p – 5p – Try to entertain two hungry children and keep them from driving Daddy crazy while he cooks. Change Abi’s diaper. Check Hannah’s diaper and change as needed.

5p – Set table with girls and help them clean up from anything they got out to play with.

5:15p – Dinner

6p – Hannah begins to get uncomfortable for her dinner. Scramble to get dinner cleaned up and prepped for another 50 minute round of Hannah feeding.

6:15p – Hannah diaper change. Hannah feeding #7.

7p – Last leg of play/family activity before bedtime routine.

7:30p – Start bedtime routine. Cleaning up any left-over toys. Pajamas for girls. Brushing teeth. Two books.

8p – Lights out for the girls.

8:10p – Breathe. 😉 Hannah diaper change. Moment to talk to Hannah while her eyes are temporarily opened.

8:30p – Begin bulk-feeding Hannah, getting comfortable because I’ll be here on the couch for a while.

8:30 – 10:30p – Matt/I hang-out time while I’m bulk feeding Hannah. Hannah diaper changes and bedtime prep. Somewhere during this time I pass out cold on the couch. It’s uncontrollable. I have just hit empty. A 20-30 minute nap gets me through the rest of the evening.

10:30p – Hannah bedtime. Kisses, swaddling, fans on, and “goodnight” small baby.

10:45p – Gather all necessary items to make it through the night (diapers -if not refilled, wipes, diaper rash creme, flannel inserts, extra cover, nursing pillow, etc) and make sure they’re bedside since I don’t want to be wandering the house all night long with a crying baby when I could be sleeping. Update blog (setting completed post, if applicable, to a scheduled date). Start cloth diapers in wash.

11p – Brush teeth, think through scheduling needs of next day, start laundry if needed, feed cats – especially if they were previously forgotten to be fed (my bad), last minute tidy-up. Transfer diapers to dryer or finish wash cycle.

11:30p – Fall over dead into bed… or a few minutes after 11:30p cause something else needed my attention.

*** Scroll to top of the post and repeat tomorrow. =D

September 17, 2012 0

Born from the Sometimes

Sometimes you just need to cry.
Palm on your forehead,
Face buried in your blanket,
Laying alone in your bed.

Sometimes you just need to stare off.
Disappointment not taking on words,
Fuzzing out of reality,
The bassinet still empty.

Sometimes you just need to lay quietly.
Drowning out the unwanted commentary,
“Helpful” others due date predictions,
Filtering out prying stares.

Sometimes you just need to close your eyes.
That blurry burning in your eyelids,
Headache incurable,
Months of tension in your lower back and shoulders.

Sometimes you just need a moment.
Replaying hospital discharge words,
Medical assistant’s “common” classification rolling so easily from her tongue,
Lip quivering and that lump welling in the back of your throat.

Sometimes you just need to stop counting.
Fake progress’ painful contractions surmounting nothing,
Distance allowing the illusion of control,
Ripping up the latest record sheet.

Sometimes you just need the silence.
Just alone without expectation,
Letting down the game face,
Months of others’ Hallmark hope sayings falling from your mind.

Sometimes you just need to not know what you need.
Heart-ripping frustration rolling from your cheeks,
Not even understanding yourself,
Welcoming the isolation of pregnancy in the moment.

Sometimes you just need to hurt.
Months of sleeplessness and silent symptoms dealt with alone,
Patience statements from well-rested, comfortable others,
Endless pain welling over the brim.

Sometimes you just need to cry.
Outpouring of honesty to a responseless audience,
Frozen in space and time,
A blender of misunderstood and brushed off.

Sometimes…

Then the sometimes ends,

And you go back to your normal,

Filing the sometimes in honesty and growing into a newness.

… A newness born from the sometimes.

August 21, 2012 0

Just Today

Well, I haven’t spoken much about Hannah’s pregnancy on here. It’s not because it hasn’t been exciting or because I haven’t enjoyed it. It is because I am now to the “rough it out” end.

Now thus far Hannah’s pregnancy end has not been as physically taxing as Abi’s last few weeks of pregnancy. Abi’s pregnancy came with pinched nerves, which I can say hands down were FAR more painfully consistent than anything I’m feeling today with Hannah.

I think the greatest challenge in Hannah’s pregnancy has been happening for a long time now. It’s the constant “You’re not going to make it to your due date,” comments from, honestly, the second trimester to now. I think people sincerely mean well in wanting to share in the pregnancy by adding in their opinion. It’s just hard to hear that repeated message over and over, have early labor symptoms arise (been doing these for 3 weeks) and have no progress.

It’s that kind of combination that puts a damper on the joy of getting out and washing all of Hannah’s newborn clothes. It puts a little tinge on packing a hospital bag for us both as well. See, it doesn’t make it feel like she’ll wait until her September 5th induction date when I am experiencing daily and hourly mild laboring symptoms. And while these symptoms could amp up at any time, in any place, unexpectedly, they could also just not. And it could just be like this for the next 3 weeks. It’s like showing a kid a picture of an ice cream Sunday and then saying, “I’ll give it to you later.” “But when?” “Later.”

Today I’m 36 weeks pregnant. One more week to go until she’s full-term.

Part of me is thrilled that she has not come with the first signs of pre-labor threats. And part of me wishes I could just hold her and have my body back.

I think about the sleepless nights and wish they were that way because I was caring for Hannah, not just trying to get out of bed because my lower back can’t take it anymore and I need to pee.

You know, I’ve been told so much “it’s all in God’s timing” usually from those well-rested, comfortable people who have lost touch with the hurts, annoyances, and anxieties of the last few weeks. I’m not trying to be a bitter person who finds nothing but complaints. I’m not trying to downplay the miracle growing within me. I’m just being honest and trying not to only “put on a happy face” when someone asks how things are going. There is a reality of the situation, not to downplay the miracle, but to come along with the entrance of the miracle. A waiting. And I’m not always patient. – As you can tell.

We have a Dr. appointment on Thursday morning. I’m hoping to learn of some progress from the 25-30+ Braxton contractions I’m now having daily. I’m also hoping to hear of even just the tiniest progress from the amped up lower abdomen pressure and pinches and pains added to the mix this week.

And if I hear of no progress, I’m going to learn further the lesson of waiting amidst the hurts for the promise to come.

That promise is so close I can almost taste it.

So close.

So close…

August 14, 2012 0