It has been a moment since my last entry. You will see why in my next handful of entries. But for now I just wanted to share something I posted on facebook this morning in my overwhelm of gratitude.

I am just plain thankful. Thankful for a husband who loves the Lord first. Thankful for conversations about further intentionality with our brood. Thankful for encouragement and pushing forward together in self-discipline, devotion and lifestyle worship. Thankful for the quiet of the early morning to just feast on the Word beside my fellow brother seeking His Daddy too. Thankful for a teammate in Christ-honoring discipleship of our children. And thankful for the Hope only God gives that when we’ve erred in glorifying Christ in areas in our home (and oh how we’ll err again), we get another chance. And another chance and another chance. I am just plain thankful for a God with open arms who just says, “Come.” – Learning to come better, by the grace of God. – Undeserving.

 

Freshly back from my high school 10 yr reunion mixed with thinking about the boys and their, what appears to be, approaching reunification. Then add in some furniture moving/reorganizing in the dining room/ homeschooling room to prep for Rachael starting Kindergarten (dies) this year in homeschool. Oh and my baby turning 1 soon. And then the shocking reality that the Haiti trip my husband was planning as his first international mission trip with the youth group fell through when the travel agent called back a week before departure to report that the tickets never transfered over between contract changes and there were no flights available. And now a possibility to go with the team on the post-poned trip. And the canceling of a trip to see my sister, which was another little hurt of reminder that I miss her. A. Lot. And her quirky little laugh. And regressing to elementary school sibling pokings. And her heart for Jesus. And just sitting back and watching her take the world head on.

And leaving my three if I do get to go to Haiti. And the fact that there may not be 5 by then. And what that means for our three. And the reunified two. Whatever their life will be like then. And the run-down whirl wind emotions of needing a break from the rollercoaster of foster care. Just 4 days of “away” with our “originals”. …

Good grief, people… this Mommy is swimming in emotion. … and hurt… and yet peace.

(Sigh) We’re all growing up…. so fast. Innocence preservation is only possible for some.

– Hard to walk in the footprints of an orphan.

– To God be the glory. In ALL of this.

Rolling gone awry.

What do you do when you find out the county lied about the placement case you accepted?

You feel shocked.

You repeat the new information that changes the odds of working toward adoption in an unfavorable way.

You feel frustrated that your clearly stated desires were blatantly ignored.

You call your out-of-town sister in a mixture of confusion, frustration and shock.

You feel betrayed, stabbed in the back and stuck in a situation that either you or the children will pay for, not the ones that misrepresented the case.

You ask the baby, “what is going to happen to you?” in disbelief and uncertainly while bouncing him.

You put on a movie for the older kids because you’re emotionally spent.

You go for a walk when your husband gets home so you can try to clear your head and come to terms with the new conditions.

You call your husband on the walk so he can talk to you while making dinner because some things should not be shared with children.

You cry until your baby looks up at you in the front carrier with bewilderment.

You leave your mom a message since she’s one of your best friends and is unavailable.

And you just walk in the quiet, cold, asking God, “what now?”

Then you come home in time for dinner.

Do bath night assembly lines as usual.

And hug your boys goodnight.

Because even when you’ve been disrespected, two little people are worth more than shifting stability and the very ugliness of a case you would not choose to accept, had you been told the truth.

So who knows what tomorrow holds for all of us in this equation.

But I do know this… I can’t do this.

But Christ can.

And will.