God woke me up early again this morning. And I’m talking early- ten til 5am again. It always starts with having to pee (which is quite often the case being prego) but then my mind won’t shut off and God has taken the opportunity yet again to remind me of the work He wants me to do. And I find myself stuck somewhere between a Jonah (rebel) and a David (complainer). Wonder how many mornings He’s going have to work on me still?

Do you remember Jacob in the Old Testament? He was quite the waverer when it comes to God, but there was his one shining moment in which God renamed his Israel. You remember that night depicted when he wrestled with the Holy Spirit all night and then the Spirit touched his leg where there would forever be a reminder of his wrestling? I’ve been looking for my scar lately too but I have yet to find it so maybe that means the wrestling is far from over.

It’s like there’s a place in my mind that knows the fruit in obedience, I’ve tasted it. Yet this Philistine inside me trembles at the Goliath before me. And the more time passes, the more I convince myself that partial obedience will satisfy. “Maybe I’m just not meant for winning this battle.” I settle in my unrighteousness. And that comfort breathes relief for a night or two, but then the morning comes – especially the early morning.

Matt and I had a great conversation about the conflicts of man and God. It’s always fun to pick your brain with another and sharpen iron. This time the focus was on the fallacy of the Word. It’s incredible to me how many churches can pick and choose what they want in God’s character, in other words, saying parts of Scripture are and are not true. It’s as if it’s a menu, “Yes, I’ll take that platter, but hold the onions, forget the red sauce, I’ll have the cheese sauce instead and yes, can I substitute the fries with a side salad?” Who do we think we are in telling God what is and what is not in His character? But when you boil down to the roots of it, the primary struggle is not just one of having an improper view of Deity, but that of trying to elevate ourselves to a god status. “I know a loving God wouldn’t..” Really? Do you really venture to say you know the mind of God? Are you really that good to know the mind of the creator of all things? Have you really fooled yourself so? For surely if you know the mind of God, then you yourself must be God. And then how can one save themselves from themselves? How come we think we are so big to dictate that we will accept the salvation of the cross and yet were chucking out the wrath part, or the part where it says man is not to sleep with another man, or the part where it says we’re to have no other gods before God? How really have we fooled ourselves into believing we are wise enough to choose for ourselves what is and is not good for us from God?

And yet again I find myself at the same stumbling block, stuck somewhere between a Jonah and a David. My rebellion calls out: I don’t want to open this can of worms, I just want to stay here and be comfortable… look no real harm is coming to me thus far… this must still be not too bad. Ho easy it is to rationalize where I’m at and still dream for the reward given to those who step out in faith.

“All right, all right,” I finally tell God. “You are right. I will do it. I’m scared as all get out and I’m not comfortable and I’m one of your whiny ones, but I’ll be an obedient whiny one.”

I remember my mom telling me one piece of advice around my wedding time and she repeated this same piece of advice around Rachael’s birth time: don’t pull away from your friends completely and only focus on your family because one day you’ll realize you needed your friends.

I have pondered with Miranda what has made our friendship last. What did we do to bypass change with normalcy? When did we both reside in our hearts that even a once every three month conversation was worth more than letting go of our friendship? What made us last as friends during the constant changes?

Even the greatest intentions of friendship and the greatest promises of “standing by each others side” don’t necessarily remain through the changes.

I remember promising so many California friends that I would always write and would miss them terribly. Yet as was true to my 3rd grade character, writing wasn’t always fun – it took work. And it seemed as if life just went on when we left and so did our lives. Two different worlds spinning simultaneously and yet feeling like they were so out of sync.

Elementary school proved its own friends that would “always be there” until Jr. High hit and the big building seemed to swallow them alive. And then there’s the “we can make it, our friendship will last” pep talks we gave to our Jr. High friendships as we crossed the road to the High school. When we reached the other side, I realised I was alone.

The High school signatures with the “we’ll always keep in touch” meant nothing to me after watching so many friends disappear. I remember even telling one of my sister’s friends who said she would keep in touch, “No, you’ll probably keep in touch for a little, primarily though my sister, and then after a few months you’ll carry on with your life and me with mine.” I remember how offended I made her feel. Yet those words became truth regarding me. She’s still an active friend of my sister’s though.

College is nothing but change, growing and learning lessons. Seems like each year your friends changed but just a few remained – maybe a small handful. And your identity was so much tied into your friends. Finally you found the people you would always live your life with, share your joys with and grow with. And then graduation. Some made the awkward transition into life and most either returned for grad school or ventured off into the unknown.

And when it’s all said and done and you start to settle in the comforts of “your own little world” and your normalcies you begin to wonder… what made these few friendships last? Look at the odds they faced!

Investment. Who wants to invest in something vanishing? Who wants to see their time given to something that fails? How conditioned are we for the win? And part of me is grateful to have spent time getting to know so many people. And part of me wishes I would have just spent my time investing in the few that stayed.

It’s odd how graduations, marriages, moving, children, pets, extended family, and so many things break apart otherwise good friendships.

I wonder if friendships fall apart because the friend has been replaced. I think this can be the case in marriage for certain. Some people can only handle so many people being close to them. So when there is the option of friends who are “here and now” verses an old friendship, there will be obvious weeding out. Some people are quite the opposite where they pick their few and no matter what happens they will always be their friends. And yet, how can the two types of friends exist together in one friendship? I guess it just depends on how long the second friend will tolerate their depth of friendship not being returned. Oh how complicated friendships can be. And if I were honest, some days I just don’t want to try. Some days I just want to flock to the easy friendships and bail out on the harder ones.

Time is so limited. You don’t find time, you MAKE time. But even so you can only make so much time in one day. And with that made time, I truly want to spend that time on friendships that will last.

“Just give it some time,” I’ve been told in wisdom.

But time is so hard to afford sometimes.

Friendship can be so worth it… and so …. not.

– just some rambling and thinking… –

I find it easier to explain things in terms of a future conversation I may have with Rachael. So much of our world is a new place to the child that I’ve often thought about how I would explain it all to Rachael. Often times I think we get so caught up in our daily lives that we parents forget that little eyes are trying to learn all about their world from our example. And honestly, when God catches me and reminds me of that I wonder if Rachael could learn much better from someone else.

Pastor Steve preached a sermon today that touched my heart. Mom talked about it a bit at lunch today and I remained silent because so much of me was still processing it. Pastor spoke of suffering for Jesus. Now as soon as the topic arises I realize it comes with a bunch of groaning and moaning from those who have heard so many similar sermons. I too had to stop myself from brushing off the teaching as “not about me” or “not for me” since I am not some heroic missionary burning at the steak or spreading the gospel in Africa. Persecution is something I don’t claim to fully understand in terms of the severity of the persecution in the past and, despite hushed away reality, the persecution of today. Pastor explained that persecution is on a scale from a simple slander thrown at you for choosing righteousness all the way to death for the sake of Christ.

This sermon was not merely for the purpose of informing us that we now have a new addition to our list of complaints in all the times that we have been persecuted, but instead flipped the script. If we are not being persecuted in any way in our lives, where’s the proof for your righteousness? Righteousness in Rachael terms, which really help me to practically understand, can be described as working toward perfection in Christ (sanctification) or just resolving for today that you will choose Jesus when given every opportunity. Oh the flesh is given every opportunity to glorify itself throughout the day, from the small frustrations to the “why does this always happen to us” moments. But righteousness is choosing in each opportunity to glorify Jesus. In your mind, you have stricken yourself only to choose a path glorifying to Christ. Some days are easier than others.

You see, faithfulness is what we should hope to attain. When we stand before Christ someday what will He say? Will it be a powerful, yet merely “through the blood, you may enter” or will He say, “well done, good and faithful servant”? I think I often get overwhelmed by the thought of faithfulness, especially after I screw up yet again. I can feel that I have busted my track record yet again and wiped the slate clean of any accrued faithfulness and I’m back to square one. But I am sure those ‘old faithful’s and even Paul himself felt like utter failures in their lives. I know my motivation is what Christ would say, but Christ’s words are often so contrary to my feeble mind’s understanding that I have no idea if I am being faithful or not. So I find myself wondering what other Christians who really are wanting Jesus would say about my life. Would I be called a faithful follower of Christ? One who’s “on fire” for Jesus? Oh don’t get me wrong, my thoughts of what others would think of me do not consume my pressing on, but sometimes it’s just easier for me to understand success and failure in common sense terms. Ultimately I know that nothing I can do will change how God feels about me. Yet still a prize awaits us, a prize that will be thrown at the feet of Jesus because we still remain unworthy of the Lamb that was slain.

Righteousness includes so much more than just your gut reaction, though your gut reaction can say a lot about where your foundation lies. But righteousness is a daily choice – a daily mindset. Some days I find it easier to firmly plant my feet in righteousness. The environment is so loving and nurturing of my growth. The day just seems to steal my mind away to Christ. And then there seems to be “every other day” when righteousness is a fight. Choosing Christ is contrary to my sin nature. Choosing Christ’s mind is contrary to my selfishness and fleshly wants. Christ will always be contrary to the darkness for Light cannot have darkness in it. Light is the absence of darkness and Light exposes darkness for its ugliness. Yes it’s easier to hide away or “try tomorrow” to be righteous because suffering through persecution (no matter how minimal persecution may be) has a cost and hurts. But there is only gain ahead of us. Who else can say that apart from Christ? No one. There is only gain in all that awaits those who endure this world. For joy comes in the morning. And there will be those who “just barely made it” into heaven through the blood of Christ and then there will be those who God’s word describes in Revelations as the martyrs and those oppressed for the sake of the Gospel. No bragging rights come to those with extra jewels on their crowns to throw at Christ’s feet for all crowns will be cast. But who wants to half live? Who wants to spend their days here on this earth and have nothing to show for their efforts? Who wants to merely waste their time here? Isn’t Jesus worth so much more than that? Isn’t Jesus worth not only our obedience, but our willing and faithful service? Or has the cross become merely a casual conversation of the past? Has the suffering and dying of Jesus Christ for us “while we were yet sinners” become merely a Truth in which we can build our coach-potato lifestyles of comfort and ease?

Please don’t think that I am speaking only to others and not of myself as well.

Is Christ not more than enough?

Is Christ not more than worth it?

Have you ever experienced a crafty drive? I know Jes has because some beautiful workings have come from the “need to make something.” Well the nesting period only intensifies the want to use my creativity to benefit another. So now where to start…. too bad I’m not all that crafty….

It’s this odd crafty vibe that hits during two other times; a time of desire to make a change and a time of desire to have a lasting impact. Talk about not knowing where to start. =)

Oh I don’t expect to accomplish all of these, but I do feel pushed to do more than a farkle game can accomplish.

I think it’s time to reprioritize. I have found myself caught in the same trap of “wasting time” while I’m waiting instead of using the time well to accomplish a lasting task. I won’t pretend that n one else out there has never found themselves in this same position. But still I find the need to re-evaluate my use of time and the affect of that time usage.

And then the 3 drives mentioned ahead make me want to take a long walk with Rachael – only the snow and ice seems to throw a wrench in that category. Maybe I’ll find some solace in a mall walk – a thinking walk, a planning walk, a reorganizing walk. But first… a shower.

This morning I went in to check on her. She had been calling out “Dada” over the monitor for a while, but was now quite silent. Sure enough she put herself back to sleep. But as I peered over the crib rail I saw her anew. She’s gotten so big. She’ll always be my baby no matter how many join our family, but she just looks so big. She takes up almost half her crib now. I remember when we could turn her sideways and she would fit in that monstrously HUGE crib. How that crib seemed to swallow her in her first night in the “big bed.” And now she’s so tall and so big.

I told Matt on our drive home from my birthday dinner, “I wonder what our family will be like a year from now.” Crazy to think. And yet so wonderful to think.

We set our ultrasound date for baby2 for February 2nd, in two weeks. So much of baby2 excites me. I wonder who he or she’ll be. I am quite happy to wait until 20 weeks before having an ultrasound. (Rachael had her first ultrasound at 16 weeks and things were a bit small and hard to see.) At 20 weeks I wonder how tiny and yet huge this new little one will be. Coming to this point in the pregnancy is like being on the brink of excitement. We’re hoping to find out if baby’s a boy or a girl, but we already have the names picked out and will be thrilled regardless. The youth have asked me what I think this baby is. I told them I have no idea. It’s funny how a toddler seems to occupy so much of your thought to the point that this pregnancy just hums along. On top of it, who wants to set their hopes up for one over the other only to find disappointment? I’d rather just build all my thinking after findng out and rejoicing either way. But how exciting to be on the brink of baby’s movement and on the brink of seeing our child’s development.

And who says God doesn’t do miracles today?

“My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work. Do you not say, ‘There are yet four months, and then comes the harvest?’ Behold, I say to you, lift up your eyes and look on the fields, that they are white for harvest. Already he who reaps is receiving wages and is gathering fruit for life eternal; so that he who sows and he who reaps may rejoice together. For in this case the saying is true, ‘One sows and another reaps.’ I sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored and you have entered into their labor.” (John 4:34-38).

What kind of legacy are you leaving?

You know I read this passage this morning and something clicked. I’ve heard it recently, nearly a month ago now, and it is still swimming in my mind. Generations of God’s people left generations of legacies. And until we make it personal we leave the labor to another and the harvest to another. I want Rachael and our other children, should God bless us, not to speak of Jesus as impersonal or my faith, but be compelled toward Christ from watching my love for Him. “Let them choose for themselves” is a standard hogwash offered by the community, but I want Rachael to choose the only One that satisfies. I’m not going to force her, but I want my life to compel her, that she would desire nothing else.

So often I find myself feeding along the sidelines of God’s work. That’s so much easier than the hurts of the calloused hands and sore back of the labor and harvest. Oh it’s far easier to watch others labor and critique their labor. But I stand beside my lost neighbors in the long line of wallflowers. It’s easy to plow a little here and there, but then take a break for the sake of eating and drinking and resting. Then I read the above passage. And I ask myself, where is my energy coming from? Where is my supply? Oh even Christ rested, but not during the laboring and harvesting. He was so in step with the Father that He knew the best time to rest and the best time to be alive in work.

And then in my laboring I desire so much to see the harvest instantly. And I find that my motivation is all wrong. Does the seeing really compel my drive to labor? No wonder Christ said, “ye of little faith.”

But instead of his teaching promoting hiding in the back, these realizations compel me to return to the very Discipliner and say, “You’re right, please change me again and again that I may be more useful toward Your Kingdom work.” Who cares what I look like to the world. I’m sure not gaining much approval on my own anyway. And at some point the bench gets quite crowded. So I find myself again, encouraged this morning to labor hard today, not for any glory I may ever see, but for the sake of laboring for the King who drew me to Himself. And oh that the legacy I leave from today might compel another to the throne.

Thank you for the teaching again today, Jesus. May more days come with this laying down and taking up. I love you.