Never underestimate the peace in a quiet half hour to catch yourself and pull it all together. And never underestimate the joy in being kicked for that half hour as a reminder that despite the stresses, there is coming a joy that cannot be put to words. Never underestimate the peace that comes from a silent cry to our Lord for patience and words.

God is good. All the time.
And all the time. God is good.

Even when we can’t see how these pieces are going to fit together.

Thanks to those who listened and sent their phone-mailed hugs yesterday.

… one step at a time… one step at a time…

and soon I can look behind and see how I’ve gotten there one step at a time…

So friends, I’m going to be honest here. This past week at work has been hard. I’ve stayed late at work nearly every day of this past week. And on Friday I put in an 11 hour day. While this proved to move the week through quite quickly, exchanging time with my husband for no addition to my paycheck is difficult for me. Friday hit a bit hard since baby and I didn’t get anything close to a good eating schedule in light of the craziness of work. And that poor eating schedule mixed with sheer exhaustion contributed to an early Saturday morning sickness episode. Odd how when your body needs nutrition you can’t seem to keep it down. I met my match this past week. And I guess the thing that makes it harder is that I’m not very assured that this new standard of “staying late” to complete the new paperwork requirements is going anywhere anytime soon. As one who likes to give their best and their all, it’s a frustration to leave projects unfinished. But I must admit that my limit has been altered over these past months. The conflict between the standard that I used to be able to hold and the standard that I can now hold is a bit frustrating at times. But I am reminding myself again and again that I am now making decisions for more than just myself.

Either way, I just wanted to share the honesty of the struggle between loving a husband with all your efforts and the desire to dive directly into bed at the end of each day. I’m sure many of these seasoned moms and wives have felt the similar strain of helping provide and love their family as Christ asks. It just begins to concern me regarding caring for my family and keeping this current job in light of last week’s (the past few weeks) requirements and the fact that baby is fairly easy to care for right now. The struggle is hard and real some days. But i am so blessed to have a weekend to live my real priorities before entering back into the grind of things.

Love your family and sacrifice accordingly. Even when the going is tough.

The other week I looked out the window and saw our dog dragging a 6-foot tree branch across our yard. Let’s just face it friends, our dog is cool. And Matt was right, no dachshund could accomplish such yard organization.

We need to invest in the “Our dog could eat your preschooler” bumper sticker of pride.

“Where’s the dog?” I questioned realising I had not seen her in a while.
“I don’t know.” Matt’s response rose from the intense computerized poker game.
– silence-
“Maybe outside?” he suggested.
(laugh) “Did you put her out there?” I questioned.
“I don’t know.” came a distracted response.
-silence-
…”It sounds like something I’d do.”

Well it’s been a week and she’s been quite tolerant of my extra lovings (in fact I think she likes it all the more). I do miss Cheddar, but I had closure so that really helps. I haven’t cried in a week. But I’m no longer concerned about crying. (yes, Robin… I did just say that.) I just take it as it comes. Oh but did I mention that I missed him cause I do.

For the past two mornings I’ve woken up before my alarm clock and felt semi-rested. Jackie, a friend, has been having contractions just not close enough together yet to bring their daughter into the world. She’s hoping come Sunday (her deceased mother’s birthday) she’ll have a good reason not to be sitting in the familiar pews. I’m looking forward to her and her family’s new addition. “This’ll be you in a few months,” she has said throughout this journey. She’s such a sweet woman and her husband could not be more thrilled about the upcoming birth of his fourth little girl.

Things have just been trucking along here. I’ve been doing more cooking and my end of the deal when it comes to loading the dishwasher (trying to put on the illusion that we’re trying around here). Matt and I bathed the puppy last night so this morning she is good and squeaky clean and soft… for the morning rain that she refuses to pee in.

Rain seems fitting today. I welcome the mellowness it brings.

I was talking to the baby yesterday while in the car (yes, I look crazy). I had forgotten that the baby could hear the outside world for a few weeks and figured I’d flex the insanity to say “I love you.” Opened my eyes a little more to a reality that Matt and I are going to be riding in a few months. Family has taken on so much in trying to plan to care for someone we’ve never known and yet have always known how to care for. Again, it’s like a huge guessing game and little one hasn’t even showed their face yet. We’re so excited at the idea of ruining another’s life (just kidding). But it still feels surreal sometimes, despite the strong kicks, flips, and protruding belly.

Fall has arrived. Thanks be to God. how I love the fall. The nip has returned to the air. Pumpkin this, pumpkin that and the fall festivities are in full float. Corn mazes and all. I just love the fall. I can’t explain it. It’s just so awesome even though we don’t really participate in the typical fall activities too frequently. It’s just such a wonderful season of beautiful death (I’m talking about the leaves here). =) Yes, indeed, fall is to be thankful for. (Thankful enough to end a sentence in a preposition. – that one’s for Robin.)

Okay… better finish rambling and get ready for another “office day” filled with “office stuff” and then real life can happen. =)

Enjoy your day today, all.

I got a chance to do some cooking last night. It was nothing special and I’m sure it tasted likewise. But it was neat, nonetheless, to feel like I was contributing to my family in a way that I enjoy without time restraints. We had a bit of a later dinner and my potatoes/creme of mushroom/shredded cheese was of no great hooplah, but again, it was nice to serve Matt and our little baby with a home-made treat.

I’ve really enjoyed spending time with Matt lately. He was singing Dancing Queen to Dakota the other night. It’s surprising how much life he is able to find in between his sniffles and nose-blowings. That’s right… we’re catching the sick bug around here.

I’ve been thinking a lot about family and have found a new level of “us” in thinking about how to best serve my family. That’s right, this selfish thing is thinking of actually helping out more. Don’t get your hope up too much, world, I’m sure it’ll fade in a week (just teasing).

Thank you to all whom have called to check-up on me and share your love. I am so blessed by all you caring people (Robin, Jenney, Lydia, Renee, Pastor, Aunt Yvonne, Mom, Dad, Amanda, Jes, and anyone else that this clogged mind fails to mention that is no longer going to ever peak to me again for not putting their name in this entry).

Enjoying normalcy as it becomes a new kind of normalcy. Saturday Matt and I get to play chauffeur for Sarah and her boyfriend, Dexter as they travel to their first homecoming dance. I’m excited to get the chance to ride sidesaddle as Matt schmoozes them and parades about. Maybe I can even steal Jenney’s camera and get a few pics of the joy. It still makes me smile to think that Sarah asked Matt to chaperon them and transport them. That’s right… Matt made the cool charts again! (Insert “Dancing Queen” chorus)

Enjoy the weekend all ye people of cyberville. And I hope you all find the joy in normalcy.

God bless.

This morning at 9:30am Cheddar took his last breath as he was put to sleep. My daddy was there with me to give and receive my sweet furry. And while there is a hurt in knowing that his lifeless body awaits his burial when Matt gets home tonight in it’s shoe box, there is this sweet peace that I did all that I could do for him. That we did all that we could do for him.

The house is quite quiet today. But Dakota provides good company, especially for this “not a dog person.” The game of fetch has provided much comfort and her movement about the house has helped me a lot. Makes me want to hug her a little closer sometimes.

I miss him. But there is a strange normalcy in this lack thereof. Seasons are changing. The leaves turning colors and the air a bit crisp today.

The wind welcomes my thoughts as I sit on the rusty rocker outside. Dakota running about the yard. And there has been much to think of, and a few good friends to talk to on the inconsistent volume of our land-line. Grocery shopping to be done. The familiar kicks from inside. And the thoughts of how much these seasons really are changing. And how much they have already changed. I said goodbye to my furry today and have cried a few times missing him. But again there’s this weird reminder that nothing that I expected is anything like I expected. And for the first time in a while I am reminded yet again that I have no idea what spring will bring, not even the consistency of the flowers.

Family has taken on new meaning over the past week. Priorities anew. And there’s this odd feeling of choice in and amongst the chaos.

Seasons are changing. And Dakota and I are going to go outside to watch. What we’re looking for, I’m not sure. But watch we must. For tomorrow it may all be different.