You know, there are some bitter sweet moments in life that take your breath away. And then there’s some hard moments in life that cause you to take coping deep breaths.

It’s the end of the quarter and the lasts are creaping in. I am taking my last exam on Thursday, I have attended my last Crosswalk, I just attended my last “class”, and my last is all I can give. I can’t give anymore to this quarter. And you know what? I’m really okay with that. In fact, it brings much relief. Much relief.

This summer will be hard; one class, practicum and work back to back (and even overlapping at times), and then life. It will be a challenge. Truly a challenge. It’s the last sprint for my degree. And while it may feel like it is dangling over my head, attached to a wire on my back, eventually I’ll reach it. And another checkmark will be placed on the list of life.

My Refuge has brought rest. Much needed and much appreciated.

I came home to a bouquett of roses and a “just because” letter. How he blesses me. And I agree, taking time for the simple is a must… and it’s so needed. Thank you, Matt.

More thoughts that crossed my mind today revolved around a little girl. A classmate brought her daughter into class. Her daughter, Rose, must have been a good 2 years old. Rose was a healthy two, laughing, interrupting class, rolling on the floor, and talking to another five year old child drag-along for the day. My classmate shared with me and another aquaintance, “I wanted two and I knew it was now or never.” She also expanded upon her teenager that’s back at home. This woman, now in her mid thirties/early forties had this little one. And the smile on this woman’s face? Her little one was her world. And it was so cute.

Kinda made me want to be a mom. Later… but I looked forward to if God would ever grace me with the oppotunity to love Matt and my little one to pieces. We’ll see in time. I’m in no rush.

I thought of Ellen and wondered how she was doing. I miss seeing her regularly. We’re going to meet up and hang out sometime later this week so we can pack her up for her move on June 16th. And maybe I’ll even get to hold my neice a little. But, I’m not going to lie, as much as I love my neice to pieces, I really do love her mom and I care more about how her mom was doing than my neice. As cold as that sounds, Ellen’s a friend and i really care about her.

I also got an email for Andi a few days ago. She can’t come to Matt and my wedding. That was really disappointing because she was one of the few people that I really wanted to be there. Oh but I completely understand that she can’t come. I COMPLETELY understand. My, my how God has grown her and Ben. It’s amazing to watch. Praise God for His grace and His love. But in and amongst the wonderful things God is doing, there are little hurts that happen too. And Andi not being able to come to my wedding. That’s just one of them.

Well, the cats are all sprawled out, napping on Robin’s bed. And as tempting as that looks, I think I’m going to go for a run. It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten to just run. And I look forward to it.

Hope you are seeing the Lord’s blessings in your life today.
To God be all the glory and honor and praise forever and ever.

Amen.

So sometimes when you get bad news you just have to cry.
It’s funny how finances never seemed to bring good news for me.
But bad financial news is never easy to carry.
See, finances are tied to nearly every struggle Matt and I will face in the next upcoming year. And, as Matt mentioned, finances are the number one cause of divorce.

Before you think Matt is a jerk, I am overwhelmingly confident that Matt will never divorce me, so this matter-of-a-fact statement does not scare me.

…

Today has been a hard day. Cheddar kept me up last night and between him and my allergies, I’m just plain exhausted. I began the day thirty minutes behind and got to church 15 minutes late. So, in an optimists world, I shaved 15 minutes off somewhere. Some days you’re just late. And that’s life.

Once I shook off my grumpy streak and found myself back at home in comfy clothes, I gave Matt a call. That’s when I learned about the path God is providing for us. I am not going to lie, the news of not being able to afford an apartment and needing to live in Matt’s parent’s house for at least the first year of our marriage was quite hard to hear. At first I took it well, kicking into survival mode. “We can make it.” My thoughts denied my emotions. But some things you just have to work through. It’s like the idea of leaving Apex, it just must sit with you a while so you can grieve it and move on.

But I can be honest, the news of our financial stability did not stop there. Next year is going to be so much more challenging than this past one. All the people at Matt’s house, the thought of not being able to keep Cheddar (my coping strategy), the thought of Matt being busy a lot, and a new job, and even if the Stauffers do let me keep Cheddar, the thought of not being able to find him in a huge house when I need him the most brought tears to my eyes. How can my world fall apart like this? Suddenly the thought of all the furniture God has provided didn’t matter anymore. Where will we put it? I just sat in my room holding Cheddar (despite him not wanting to be there) and let it all out. Poor Cheddar got a shower. I got covered in cat hair. And my nose ran uncontrollably. – I just had to get it out.- I haven’t cried that hard in a very long time. I don’t think I ever grieved Apex that hard before.

Dear friends, it doesn’t mean God is any less of a providing God. It doesn’t mean God’s provision of furniture isn’t a promise of what’s to come. It doesn’t mean that He doesn’t want us to be together. It just means that it’s going to be a challenge and some days I’ll do well with it, and other days I will drench my cat in tears.

…

I have never been spoiled by glamorous photos. I’ve never taken Senior pictures because they were far too expensive. I don’t have a senior class ring and I can’t even find my high school diploma anymore. I won’t be walking at my college graduation and I haven’t done any other monumental thing. But one thing I will be blessed with and that’s getting engagement pictures taken with Matt tomorrow. No, we can’t afford ridiculously expensive photography-quality pictures. (We won’t even have them at our wedding). But a dear friend of mine, Chris, has happily volunteered to take his best photos for the price of the film. So, in light of my past, this means a lot to me. So much that I got a bit vein about my two zits. Oh well, that’s life for ya. You don’t have super huge zits until you’re doing a “once in a lifetime” thing. [I expect to have zits in my wedding pictures too. ] I wanted to get my hair trimmed, but I can’t afford it, so I think I’ll cut off some split ends on my own. Maybe Robin can help. Matt didn’t have time for a haircut, but knowing how much it meant to me, he called to tell me that he’d made a trip to the mall and would even be shaving tomorrow since it looked like a porcupine hit him in the face.

I am so in love with Matt and so blessed that he cares so deeply about me that he’d struggle to find extra time to get “cleaned up” and “nicely dressed” because it means something to me.

…

So today’s had it’s ups and downs. This basket-case is continually on the verge of tears and completely overwhelmed by the joy of loving Matt at the same time.

“We’ll do just fine.” He said today. “It’s just going to be a big challenge this next year. But if you can’t find a job, I’ll quit school and get another one. We’ll survive. And then the next year, after I’m done with school, it won’t be drastically different, but it’ll be a little better than the year before. … It’ll be okay. I love you.”

– I love you too, Matt.

I know God will pull us through.

Yesterday = 17 months and 94 days.

Today = 93 and 17 months + one day.

If 93 days, then it will be 20 months.

3 to go.
93 to go.

And to think what it used to be…

Thanks be to God!

I don’t understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my soul
Give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer and
Pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I’m not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I’m desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I’m needing
I will say to You…

It’s gonna be worth it
Gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it all

I don’t understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my soul
Give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer and
Pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I’m not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I’m desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I’m needing
I will say to You…

It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it all

It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it all
I believe all my pain (It’s gonna be worth it)
All my joy (It’s gonna be worth it)
It’s gonna be worth it all

And around every corner
And up every mountain
I’m not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I’m desperate in seeking, Lord, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I’m needing
I will say to You…

You’re all I’m needing Lord, You’re all I’m needing
I will lift my voice to You and say…

You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it all
I believe know.

– “Worth It All”
song by: Rita Springer