Category: Uncategorized

In Fine Linen and Purple?

WHAT a task!!!

I woke up this morning and God spoke to me instantly…

much is coming,

much to be excited about.

Funny thing? The message came in a hidden picture. I was looking online for a website that Tamara had suggested for personal studies. Being as how my personal studies really bite the big one lately… I wanted to find some Bible Study material to learn myself. Being a big ol’ nerd… I was really looking forward to sinking in to study, study, study the Word. But I couldn’t find the website. So.. I’ll be contacting Tamara soon.

Nonetheless, I did find a random website that made me wonder about Apex’s site. So I turned to Apex’s site and looked under the “listen” section to check out Rob’s sermons. I scrolled down the page a bit and realized that the page went much further than I imagined. I smiled a painful smile as I read the sermon titles that I sat throught. A little hurt grew up in my heart as I thought about leaving it Apex. Then there was a time period that I wasn’t familiar with. Way back in 2002… April 21… “When God gets ahold of Estrogen”. It was funny but I wondered what Rob sounded liek when Apex started. Back in the dark ages… in the beginning…. of Apex. I clicked on the sound clip and my friend’s voice blared from the recording. I smiled thinking of how “little” Rob sounded. And how poorly it was recorded. Rob introduced Proverbs 31, the first half, and promised to continue the second half the following week. But a few words rang in my ears… words in passing… “I just wanted to thank all the people who helped in moving us in here this week…” the congregation cheered. A biginning was established.

I thought about Matt’s beginning. I thought about the opportunities Matt has right now to preach, even prior to him attending Seminary. God is truly at work in him. But in that statement, fear arose… I just don’t feel I’m good enough. I just don’t feel like I’m that kind of women. Ever felt inadequate for God’s work? I really do. And I allow it to scare me.

“How big is God?” I used to ask the kids at work.
“He’s bigger than…” began their train of thought as they proceeded to list everything big that they could think of.

Monica, How big is God?

A beginning has such an adventurous start, such an exciting start… and when I get fearful, I wish I’d look at how big God is and stop relying on my sight.

Oh, but I’m not going to lie… my sight is often my default. “Just have faith” a pastor could say… oh and it wouldn’t be untruthful.

But sometimes I just feel… inadequate.

But I will go. I will go. Lord, I will go!
And I will learn what “by faith and not by site” truly means.

For the glory of the Lord
[I surely can’t do it.]
For the glory of the Lord!

And I need to hold to that.
Oh, how I need to hold to that.

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Hasn’t Grown Cold

This is a beautiful song that has been swimming in my head this morning. I keep singing the chorus over and over and watching the beautful sky that God has given us. The sunlight, the rolling clouds and the blue sky…. I can’t keep from singing.

The thing about this song is that it is sung in a low, reassuring melody that winds and falls with it’s slow accompaniment.

See, winter is a time of hibernation for some, but for others… life goes on and much is required. Winter can be a hard time [And it was.] of dark days. It’s funny how te weather can affect your mood when you allow it. But even through “hard seasons”, this song… it just fits… it just works…

My Love Hasn’t Grown Cold Bethany Dillon lyrics

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things

Because oh, my love does not tire
I’m awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren’t sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn’t grown cold
For you

You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies

But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your headI am here

Lo and behold
My love hasn’t grown cold
For you

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speakI know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery

And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me

Lo and behold
My love hasn’t grown cold

For you

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Slush – to be shoveled


Slush fell from the sky last night

that was the night I was trying to give the car back
that was the night my windshield wiper tore
that was the night I couldn’t see through the windshield
that was the night I turned around
that was the night I gave up

that was the night I went to bed crying
that was the night I woke back up and called you
that was the night I told you not to tell me “the obvious”
that was the night you said “fair enough”

that was the night I called her back to tell her I couldn’t make it
that was the night I became her disappointment
that was the night she made me feel useless

that was the night I needed a hug
that was the night I didn’t want to let go
that was the night I wished you were there
that was the night I didn’t want to feel alone

Slush fell from the sky last night.

And it hasn’t gone.

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Into Hiding


I was reading Andi’s post about being old and it brought back my similar feelings.
I have borrowed a friend’s 1980 (guess) Buick Park Avenue which is blue as opposed to the brown car in the link. Um, for those of you who don’t know, my grandmother had a similar car and I remember sitting in the back seat. Now, I’m driving it (of course only for about a week). [In case you are puzzled why I am driving it, my car broke down 6 weeks from this coming friday and I have been borrowing friend’s cars since.]

I don’t feel like I can connect to this generation anymore.

I was emailed by a dear friend about her wedding photography. She does beautiful photgraphy. I’m pretty sure we can’t afford her, but if you geta chance, please do look at her pictures.
In looking through her pictures myself I realised a few things…
1. She does amazing work
2. Our wedding isn’t going to look anything like any of those gorgeously expensive ones
3. We probably can’t afford my friend’s photography
4. I’m looking at weddig photography critically as to whether or not I can purchase it = I’m getting old.

Today has been a pretty blah kind of day.
Blah morning.
Blah afternoon.
Blah foggy rain.
Blah.

And it’s giving me blah thoughts.
And blah feelings.
Blah.

I’m old.
Blah.

I’d prefer to go into hiding today.
Blah.

I think I’m going to go to bed at 8:30p.

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Gave Out

At what point, O Lord, do you move us? At what point in our walk do you separate us for leadership or not for leadership? At what point do you say ‘no’? At what point does leadership become more than just a leader’s task? At what point does the responsibility become other’s responsibility as opposed to the responsibility of others’ placed on our shoulders? At what point do we do enough to be seen as good leadership? “Good job” if said at all is always an afterthought. Are we always bad leadership? More, more, more is asked of us as if we do nothing right. As if we try never. As if we desire to fail. At what point do we do enough to be seen as good leadership? At what point? Or do we break before that point? Do we give up, shut off, and silence our desire to serve? Do we become so overcome with tasks in which we are told through silence that we fail that the spirit within us dies back as it touches acidic attitudes? More, more, more. How can we? How can we without support? How much loner until we give out so much that we turn around and realize we gave out all of our character and nothing is left?

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