To the child who’s stranger appears after 6 years of silence and calls himself Dad when the family you have learned to call Mom and Dad and who bought you that new swingset were getting ready to have your last name too: I understand that you can’t seem to verbalize the flood of confusion, hurt, and fear you feel and I promise to knock over the blocks with you and look the other way when you yell at the ball as you kick it repetitively into the wall. I also will never judge you for wetting your pants because your Dad’s face reminds you of a past you couldn’t be saved from in time enough to protect you from the hurts.

To the child who’s Daddy hurts his Mommy and all you can think to repeat during play is “Run, he’s coming!” And as Mommy pretends to understand Daddy’s English while she secretly plans to leave the country with you and return to your big family, I completely understand why you are running out of the room more and shrieking without consoling. I promise to run after you in reminder to you that you matter enough to me to pursue, and to speak back to you in movie quotes and song lyrics because your Autism reverts to that familiarity.

To the child who is sad because “Mommy forgot” again to feed you and you are wearing the same shirt from yesterday. I understand when you need to scream about your belly hurting, even when your screaming looks like cussing at me and trying to kick me. I promise to always have breakfast and to pursue you with that breakfast because I want you to know that it matters to me that your belly needs a “morning snack.” And I also promise to sit with you and read stories to you as you rest on the couch because you “didn’t sleep well.”

And to the other five children in my group and those across the hall that also join my group, I promise to find out what you are looking for and what it is that you are trying to say through your kicking, hitting, screaming, scratching and biting – even when you are doing those things to yourself.

And to the baby girl that I am leaving “at home” to tend to these others…

i miss you.

and thank you for letting me hold you close as I remove my work shoes.

Many times grace is only seen in light of “saving from hell” as if grace has no further purpose. It’s so easy to see salvation as a one-shot deal. Once and for all. While some beliefs are born of the idea that one can lose their salvation – as if they have that much control over what can or cannot stay in the grasp of God’s hand – many see salvation as a mere point in time without a continuum. Paul speaks of salvation as a past, present and future aspect (past – a point of acceptance, present – sanctification, and future – when Christ returns). But this morning God opened my eyes to another blessing of grace. This is grace, an invitation to withstand the Potter’s kiln. Grace not only allowed mankind to be saved from hell, but grace also gives mankind a justification to stand on. By justification I don’t mean “for only in Christ we are justified”. This is true. But I speak further in the word justification such as Paul addresses in James – Grace through works. We cannot earn salvation. This is evident for who of mankind can say that they are perfect. For through perfection- withholding God’s word to perfection – Christ made a way for mankind. But after receiving this free gift of salvation, grace offers the chance of standing before God with works that do not burn up in the kiln. In the word, the day of judgement will be split into two judgements so to say. One judgement for those who have not accepted Christ. And then a second judgement for those who have accepted Christ. In that judgement for those who have accepted Christ, Psalms speaks of God’s judgement in terms of bringing an offering to a Potter’s kiln. In a kiln all the defect is burnt away and the pure remains.

This is grace, an invitation to withstand the Potter’s kiln.

Grace, therefore, opens an invitation to all those whom have accepted Christ to build a life of righteousness that will withstand the fire of the Potter’s kiln. Works have always been preached as an extension of a Christ-centered heart – that Christ’s sacrifice would spurr us on toward works as we desire to tell others more and more of Jesus’ love. But even beyond the mere obedience to His call of discipleship, it floors me that God opens this invitation of rewarding our obedience on both earth and again in heaven. What is mere man that God would lavish this grace on us? God’s Grace’s complexity continues to baffle my mind. For while God commands us to obey Him in discipleship, His grace makes a way for us to even enter His Courts and also enter His Courts with offerings. One can accept Christ in that form of grace and never move beyond merely an acceptance. While others can accept Christ and continue to stand on the foundation of grace to build righteous works that will withstand the kiln. For this is truly freewill. For if you choose not to do works, the foundation is not taken back. It’s just that the crown you cast at His feet will be void of a lifestyle of obedience and purpose. If all you do is give your heart to God, He is thrilled at His child coming to Him. But all the more God is delighted in His children who do righteous works for the glory of His Name’s sake.

For this is Grace, an invitation to withstand the Potter’s kiln.

We all want to be justified in our choices and our ways.
“He did that because he is thoughtful.”
Or “She did that because she is kind.”
We want our choices to speak volumes of our goals, dreams and families.
We sincerely hope that when our lives are boiled down to words that somewhere in the mix the good outweighs the bad. We all sincerely hope that someone else will see the intent behind our words and actions. That our purpose would not be hidden in the dark.

These things have gone through my mind constantly over the past week and a half. If you look at my life would words like sacrifice, faithfulness, and determination come from your lips? No, I’m not living to please you or anyone else for that matter. But I just want my purpose to be obvious. My drive to be backed by real meaning.

We’re testing out some more budget restraints in an effort to work toward our family goal this coming January. And I’m finding that with a goal readily in mind it’s easier to deny small temptations when you already have what you need in your hands. When weighing the costs and benefits, I find it easier to say no to extraneous non-goal driven expenses. But it also makes me ponder my goal/purpose drive beyond finances.

Is my life purpose obvious? Or could my words and actions leave others guessing?
Am I just wasting time and energy in smelling the flowers when the garden needs so much work?

I find it necessary to step back sometimes and say, “Is this working? Is this where I should be? Are my intentions justified?”

But evaluation is nothing but smelling the flowers, unless it’s used to help the garden grow.